Deer By The Water

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Joshua Moore
[Scene: Kevin and Mark, two idiots from New York, with very heavy New Yorker accents, are driving through a forest road. Mark, driving, has red hair, in a ridiculous Afro-style haircut. Kevin is sitting in the passenger's seat; he is wearing a leisure suit, and has black hair that is standing straight up. He is sprinkling salt on a hard-boiled egg, while Mark is singing a very stupid song.]

Mark: [singing] Dap-dah-duh-duh, da da da da duh-duh-duh, duh duh dup da duh-duh, da-da da da da-da, da duh duh duh duh, DA DA DA! [hits sterring wheel three times on last da's.]

Kevin: [looking over at him, with a slightly annoyed look on his face.] Ya want another hard-boiled egg?

Mark: Okay, but I've already had four.

Kevin: [angry] Four!? But I made six, three each!

Mark: Hey, you know 'ow much I love my hard-boiled eggs.

Kevin: But, I did all the work! I boiled the water, I peeled the eggs...

Mark: Well, you kept handing 'em to me. Why'd you gimme four?

Kevin: I wasn't counting. I'm gonna eat this one.

Mark: Ey, do what ya do.

Kevin: [looks out the window] STOP THE CAR! [Mark brakes, the car skid to a halt. The forest background stops. Kevin points out the window.] There's a deer by the water.

Mark: What?

Kevin: There's a deer by the water.

Mark: Where?

Kevin: There.

Mark: A what?

Kevin: A deer.

Mark: At's not a deer, at's a bear.

Kevin: No, it's a deer.

Mark: Where?

Kevin: [pointing] There, by the water.

Mark: Hey, no-- dat is a bear.

Kevin: Well, whatever it is, I'm gonna get a picture of it for the girls. [Says it "goils."]

Mark: What?

Kevin: I'm gonna get outta the car, and I'm gonna get a picture of it for the girls.

Mark: But, it's a bear!

Kevin: Even so, don't you think a bear is a worthy picture for the girls?

Mark: Ey, I wouldn't get out of no car to get a picture of a bear.

Kevin: [looking at him, annoyed.] I'm gonna get outta the car--

Mark: Uh-huh?

Kevin: I'm gonna take my camera, and I'm gonna get a picture of the deer, *or bear* by the water. Are--you--coming--with me?

Mark: No, 'cause in my heart of hearts I know at's a bear.

Kevin: [getting out] Okay, just don't eat my last hard-boiled egg.

Mark: Okay-- but, if the bear eats you, then can I eat your hard-boiled egg?

[Kevin stares at him in disbelief. Mark looks away, rolling his eyes, and sighing.]

Kevin: [getting out and running away] This's gonna be beautiful!

[Mark is sitting there, waiting. His eyes pass over the hard-boiled egg that Kevin left on top of one of the coffee mugs that is on the dash.]

Mark: Ooooh, at's a good-lookin' egg! [He grabs it and starts eating it.]

Kevin: [a few yards away] Here, pretty deer; here, pretty deer-- BEAR!!! CHARGING BEAR!!!

[Mark looks around, trying to swallow the egg. Kevin rushes back, jumping in the car.]

Kevin: [rolling up the window] Start the car!

Mark: I told you it was a bear! [Outside the car, two very-fake-looking bear claws start rocking the car back and forth. Kevin looks at Mark in disbelief.]

Kevin: Did you eat my last hard-boiled egg!?

Mark: Ey, I thought that the bear was gonna eat you!

Kevin: Is that any reason to eat your best friend's hard-boiled egg?

Mark: Well, call it a funeral egg, I don't know.

[The scene ends with a shot of the car's NY license plate. The car is still being rocked back and forth.]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video