Mark: The Secret Of Nudity

Transcribed from: CBC
Transcribed by:
Mark: Hi. Over the past four years that the show has been on the air, I've noticed that myself and the other guys have been getting a lot of letters you know, which I figured was a natural result of being on TV for so long. So you can imagine my surprise when I heard the other guys referring to their letter as fan mail. I decided I'd take a little peek and see what sort of stuff you guys are writing to them. So, here's a sample.

[takes out a letter from his pocket and reads]

Dear Dave, you are so hunky-wunky, cutie-pootie, lovey-dovey, sexy-wexy and you're my fave. Signed Brenda, Erin, Cathie, Michelle, etc, etc, etc. Hey, not too bad for the ego. Well, my fan mail invariably goes something like this. [takes out another letter from his pocket] A-hem! Dear Mark, I thought I was alone until I saw you on TV. Having no sex appeal must be hard for you, too. I'm curious, how do you live? How do you love? Please work your answer into a monologue as I don't want to sign my real name. Thanks. PS. Please don't kill yourself. (laughs) Well, you know. I've never contemplated suicide, but I do want to say to you people who have written me these letters that if you worry like me that you don't have any sex appeal, then perhaps it's time you do what I did, and unlock the secret of nudity.

[takes off his shirt]

That's right. I found by using the safe and natural method of nudity I was able to change those sort of letters-or taunts-from "Hey, do you have a pulse?" to "Wow, look at the naked guy!" Now, nudity may not be for everyone. [takes off his shoes] But, tell you what. If you're sitting at home watching me tonight, try this simple test. Take off one sock. [takes off his socks] Just one sock, and mail it to me with a stamped, self addressed envelope and a picture of yourself. Now, I'll examine your sock and determine if you have any potential at all [starts to undo belt] to achieve full or partial nudity. [takes off his pants] Trust me. It's done wonders for me. You, know, people pay attention when I walk into a room. And hey! maybe I'll get a different type of fan mail now. [takes off boxers-is completely naked. He holds up his boxers, gives a thumbs up, and walks offstage.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video