Answering Machine

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: I
[Bruce and Kevin are recording a new answering machine message.]

Bruce: This is Jack Nicholson. You've reached the answering machine of Randy [Kevin squeaks a plastic frog] and his belle [Kevin rings a bell] Christine. Listen to old Jack, he's not gonna snow ya [Kevin blows through a tube]. [Bruce stops the machine] Listen can we do this, please?

Kevin: What do you mean?

Bruce: Well, the bell was late, it's all just really ragged.

Kevin: The bell was not late. Look, can we just finish this and go out dear?

Bruce: Fine, fine. Let's try, okay. [Bruce turns the machine back on] This is Jack Nicholson. He's not gonna snow ya, citizen. [Kevin shakes a maraca] We're out at a Lake...[Bruce stops the machine again] And what are you going to use to represent a Lakers' game?

Kevin: The little ball.

Bruce: Could we please get into this?

Kevin: I am, it's just...

Bruce: It's just what?

Kevin: Well, I just don't think your Jack is well, very strong.

Bruce: Well, the gloves are off, aren't they?

Kevin: Look, can we just leave a straight message for once saying we're not home, please leave a message after the beep?

Bruce: A straight message? Old people leave straight messages, government clerks leave straight messages.

Kevin: All right dear.

Bruce: No no, I don't think you know how important our answering machine messages are. We've set a standard. People love our answering machine messages. People call up just to hear our messages.

Kevin: Well, it used to be more fun when we started living together.

Bruce: Well, it's always fun at first but please understand, sweet Christine, that Picasso didn't feel like getting up every day but he did and he spoke French and he painted.

Kevin: It's an answering machine.

Bruce: Yes. An answering machine, the most important creative outlet of the 90's.

Kevin: Answering machine!

Bruce: Yea, yea, but if William Shakespeare were alive today, he wouldn't be writing plays, he's be writing answering machine messages.

[The phone rings.]

Kevin: What?

Bruce: Hello? No, it's me. It's not ready yet. Ya happy? Fine, fine, you're dead to me, I'll do it myself.

Kevin: Go ahead.

Bruce: Why don't you just put on a jazz tape and I'll improvise a little something.

[Bruce starts the machine, the music plays and Bruce doesn't say a word. He slams the machine off.]

Bruce: I'm not in a rut!

[Kevin turns the music off.]

Kevin: I'll do it.

Bruce: What? You can't do it.

Kevin: I'll do it.

Bruce: You can't do it.

Kevin: Why?

Bruce: Cause you're a girl.

Kevin: What?

Bruce: Everybody knows girls don't make good answering machine messages.

Kevin: That's ridiculous, get up little man.

[Kevin sits down and turns the machine back on]

Kevin: We're not here right now. We're somewhere else. [Kevin stops the machine]

Bruce: It's not as easy as it looks, is it?

Kevin: Shut up!

[Kevin starts the machine again]

Kevin: Eek! Eek! We're out monkeying around and can't come to the phone. Please leave a message after the Eek and we'll swing on by.

Bruce: See, you never finish anything you start.

Kevin: Shut up!

Bruce: You dropped out of college, you only took one vegetarian cooking class, it's a joke.

[The phone rings and plays back ...]

Message: Eek! Eek! We're out monkeying around and can't come to the phone now. So if you leave a message after the Eek, we'll swing on by. See you can't finish anything you start, can you? Shut up! No, you dropped out of college, you only took one vegetarian cooking class, you can't finish anything. [Machine beeps and Dave leaves a message]

Dave: [laughing] Hey, that's great. That's the best one yet. That's better than the (??) screening our calls one. Okay, see ya.

Bruce: Oh, I'm sorry.

Kevin: Don't touch me.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video