Licking The Lobster

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by:
Cast: [In a business office]

Kevin: Aren't you nervous at all?

Dave: Nope.

Kevin: Aren't you worried I might get this promotion instead of you?

Dave: I've got this promotion. It's in the bag.

Kevin: What makes you so sure?

Dave: I licked a lobster.

Kevin: What?

Dave: I licked a lobster for luck.

Kevin: You licked a lobster for luck.

Dave: Yep. [Opens his briefcase and pulls out a lobster] This baby's never let me down before. I licked the lobster, you didn't. Therefore lady luck is on my side. [Starts licking the lobster] Come on lobster. Come on lobster.

Kevin: Look, forget it. Licking a lobster isn't going to help you. You don't have a chance at this job. You have a terrible work ethic. Socially, you're inept. Plus, I have far more experience than you.

Dave: Oh really? But I get the job [lick], he don't. I get the job [lick], he don't. I get the job-- [Kevin snatches away the lucky crustacean] Let go of my lobster!

Kevin: See how much luck you have now. [Starts to lick the lobster] Look what I'm doing now, huh? Guess you're screwed, eh? I'm licking your lobster! I'm licking your lobster! Who's lucky now? Huh? Huh?

[Enter Mark, out of his office, behind Kevin]

Mark: Simms! I was going to give you the job, but I see you're busy licking a lobster. [Shakes Dave's hand] Congratulations. Job's yours.

Dave: Thanks. [Aside to Kevin] I knew that lobster would be lucky for me.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video