Dean and Lex: Prison

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: orteil perdu

[Scene: a prison exercise yard. One prisoner is thrown up against a fence by another, who punches him in the face]

Man 1: Now maybe you'll understand that when you owe me money, I expect you pay it back on time. [He punches the guy in the stomach and turns to the yard] What about you, punk? [Shot reveals who he's addressing, from behind. He is holding a broom and absently going through the motions of sweeping] You got that money you owe me?

Kevin: Slipped my mind.

Man 1: You have any idea what I do to people who don't pay me what they owe me?

Kevin: I'm just sick about this. I'll tell you what: tomorrow I'll have your money plus an autographed picture of Gavin McLeod.

Man 1: You promise?

Kevin: Will do.

[Scene: a prisoner is strapped into an electric chair. The warden looks anxiously at a clock on the wall which reads 11:59]

Man 2: No word from the governor, huh warden?

Mark: I'm sorry Pete. The governor hasn't phoned yet. [He walks over to the phone, which Dean is using. He really wants to tell Dean that this is an emergency, but seems too polite to ask]

Kevin: Just a mo'. I'm on hold. Phantom tickets. [At that moment, sparks fly and an anguished scream is heard. The warden walks away in resignation as Dean sticks a finger in his free ear to drown out the noise]

[Scene: Lex is being searched for metal objects in a prison hallway. The metal detector screeches when passed over his shoe]

Dave: It's just bus fare. [The guard holds out his hand. Lex empties a ridiculous amount of change out of his shoe. The guard lets him by]

[Scene: Lex and Dean talk to each other through glass in a standard prison visiting room]

Dave: Wow. Prison.

Kevin: Lex, you gotta get me out of here. I'm at my wits end. [A guard hands him a cup of tea, with saucer] Thanks, Roger.

Dave: I could never survive in prison. I'd just never be able to take it. I'd just - I'd go berserk.

Kevin: Good. Then you'll do me this favour.

Dave: I don't know. What is it?

Kevin: I want you to bake me a cake with a saw in it.

Dave: Sure, I could do that. I mean, I've done that before. It was an accident, but I'm sure I can figure out what it was I did wrong and do it again. But I wouldn't want to get into any trouble. Because I could never survive in prison. I could never - I can't pee in front of other guys.

Kevin: Trust me. I would never let anything happen to you.

[Scene: the prison hallway from the view of a security camera. Lex comes down the hallway with a box. He stops by the guard and automatically empties the change out of his shoe. He tries to slip past the guard, but the guard stops him with the metal detector. It screeches over the box. Lex is almost hysterical with fear.]

Dave: It's just a cake. It's just a birthday cake! It's Dean's birthday for chrissakes!

Man 3: Is it? We'll have to talk to the warden about that. [Hauls Lex, who is whimpering and struggling to get away, down the hall]

[Scene: The warden's office. Dean is sitting at a desk, with the cake in front of him. Lex stands at his side. The warden and several guards are there.]

Mark: [singing] . . . for everything is beautiful when it is your birthday. [Everyone pats Dean on the back and congratulates him. Dean tries to blow out the candle on the cake, but it remains lit. He gives Lex a look.] Well, cut the cake.

[Dean makes the first slice. Shot dissolves to the same cake, but later on. All that is left of it is a very obvious outline of a handsaw.]

Mark: I didn't get any cake.

Dave: [grabbing Dean's knife] Aren't you a bit chubby for cake?

Mark: One slice is allowed.

Dave: [cracking up] Look, I said no, okay fatso?

Mark: Gimmee that! [Grabs the knife, cuts the cake, and hits the saw]

Kevin: It was Lex Hare who put the saw in the cake.

[Scene: a prison cell. Lex is locked up with Dean]

Dave: Geez man, you said you wouldn't let anything happen to me.

Kevin: Oh did I? It must have slipped my mind.

Dave: At least we're in here together.

Kevin: No, not really. I'm being released this afternoon.

Dave: [having a conniption] Well why'd you ask me to bust you out then, man?!

Kevin: I had a morning appointment. But don't worry, I'll just be a little late.

Dave: No! No, you're the most selfish, self-centred . . . selfish, self- . . . s-

Kevin: [already in the hallway, with suitcase] Ta.

Dave: You'll visit, won't you?

Kevin: Will do.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video