Detective Peter Prince

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Laura Cihocki
Cast: [Kevin, dressed as an elderly woman, runs out the front door of a large mansion.]

Kevin: Somebody has taken Kitty!

[Kevin faints. The scene fades out, then fades back in on Kevin standing on the front porch talking to two policemen, who are taking notes.]

Kevin: ...Then I noticed Kitty was gone. Nothing was taken. Her bowl was still there, with the milk still in it!

[A convertible pulls up in front of the house. Scott gets out of it and approaches the porch.]

Scott: My name is Prince. Peter Prince...Detective Peter Prince. They call me Fingers, but I don't play the piano.

Kevin: Well perhaps you could help me, Mr. Prince...the police don't seem much help at all. You see, Kitty's all I have in the world. Who would have done such a thing? What is happening to this city? Why don't you stop them? You have to--

[Scott silences Kevin's rising hysteria by kissing him.]

Scott: [still right in Kevin's face] Now, I want you, very calmly, to tell me everything you did in the last twenty-four hours.

[Cut to Kevin and Scott on chairs in a sitting room.]

Kevin: ...And then I noticed Kitty was gone. Nothing was taken. The bowl was still there, with the milk still in it. What are you going to do, Mr. Prince?

Scott: Well, I think the first thing I'd like to do, ma'am, is talk to everybody who lives in the house.

Kevin: Well, alone.

[Mark comes over and leans down toward Kevin.]

Mark: Your toilet is flushed, ma'am.

Kevin: Thank you, Baltimore.

Scott: I thought you lived alone, Mrs. Gold?

Kevin: Well, there's the butler, but he doesn't count! He's hardly a person! [She laughs, then looks serious.] Kitty's all that matters to me, Mr. Prince.

[Mark goes to leave the room.]

Scott: Not so fast, Mr. Baltimore! I'd like to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind.

Mark: Ma'am?

Kevin: It's all right, Baltimore. He' to help.

Scott: Okay, what's your story? [He holds a pacifier, tied around his neck, up to his mouth and sucks on it.]

Mark: Well, at first I noticed that Kitty was gone, but there was nothing missing. Her bowl was still there, with milk still in it.

Scott: Hmm. [He removes the pacifier.] Thanks, old man.

Mark: May I get you a fresh pacifier, sir?

Scott: I'm fine.

Mark: Perhaps something more....risque?

Scott: Thanks, but no thanks.

[Mark leaves.]

Kevin: [standing] Well? Any luck?

Scott: Nope.

Kevin: We'll never find Kitty! I just know it! We've got to do something! Anything! Why don't YOU do something? You're the private detective! Isn't that why I hired you? Come on, you're the private--eeeeee...

[Kevin breaks off as Scott puts a hand on his breast.]

Scott: I'd like to conduct a thorough search of the premises, if I may, ma'am. [loudly] Kitty? Kitty? [then back to his normal voice] She's gone!

[Scott goes out onto a balcony and looks down to see a Boy sunbathing on a chaise longue by the pool. The Boy lowers his sunglasses.]

Boy: You must be the detective.

Scott: Who might you be?

Boy: Well, I'm not Kitty.

Scott: I didn't say you were. Can I, uh, ask you a few questions?

Boy: And I'll tell you a few lies.

[Kevin joins Scott on the balcony.]

Kevin: Well, Mr. Prince, I see you've met my cabana boy, Carlos.

Scott: I thought you lived alone, Mrs. Gold.

Kevin: Aren't we...all alone, Mr. Prince?

[Cut to the house's front hall. A clock chimes. Scott walks through, passing the Boy, who is sitting on a sofa and wearing a robe.]

Boy: Leaving so soon?

Scott: Why don't you give me reason to stay?

[The Boy uncrosses and recrosses his legs.]

Scott: That'll do. So, what's YOUR story, Beautiful?

Boy: Well, I noticed Kitty was gone. I mean, nothing was taken; her bowl was still there.

Scott: Wasn't there milk in it?

Boy: It was empty.

[Scott looks puzzled. Then, Dave comes running in, carrying a carton of milk in a paper bag.]

Dave: Hi! I'm back!

[Scott turns around to face Dave and holds his pacifier to his mouth.]

Scott: Kitty?

Dave: [interested] Yes!...And you are?

Scott: My name is Prince. Peter Prince...Detective Peter Prince. They call me F--

Kevin: [running into the room] Yes, Fingers, Fingers, Fingers. We heard it all before. Kitty! Where were you! One minute you were there, and were not!

Dave: I just went to the corner store; I told Carlos.

[All look at the Boy.]

Boy: I forgot.

Kevin: You forgot? You forgot. The only thing you're good for is [censored]. Get out of my sight! [The Boy starts to walk away.] Well, thank you, Mr. Prince. You must feel proud, another case solved.

Scott: Just doing my job, ma'am. Kitty. [to the Boy] But there's still one thing that bothers me, Carlos. Why'd you lie about the milk?

Boy: I said I'd tell you a few lies.

[Cut to a bedroom. The Boy is handcuffed to the bed, smoking a cigarette. Scott sits on a chair, holding a drink.]

Boy: Hey, I thought you said I was under arrest, Detective Prince.

Scott: Well, you ARE in cuffs, aren't you? They call me Fingers.

Boy: Why?

Scott: You'll figure it out. Everybody does.

[Scott drains his drink. The Boy takes a drag from his cigarette. Scott puts his pacifier in his mouth. Fade out.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video