Visit From Santa Claus

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
Cast: [A living room, with a Christmas tree set up behind the couch and a fireplace to the left. Kevin and Scott sit on the couch wearing matching turtleneck sweaters in different colors. Scott hands Kevin a small box.]

Scott: Merry Christmas, Babs.

Kevin: [quietly] Wonder what it is...

[Kevin opens the box and pulls out a diamond tennis bracelet.]

Kevin: Diamonds! Thank you, sweetie!

[Kevin and Scott kiss.]

Scott: I should've given those to you twenty years ago.

Kevin: What, when I was seven?

Scott: Yeah.

Kevin: Oh, honey.

[They kiss again. Suddenly, they hear soft grunting noises coming from the fireplace.]

Scott: Someone's breaking in!

Kevin: Well, just don't sit there, get the club!

[Scott goes to the back left corner and picks up a bat. Kevin puts the bracelet down on the coffee table and stands in front of the couch, looking toward the fireplace. Mark enters through the chimney and climbs out of the fireplace, dragging a large sack behind him. He laughs throughout almost the entire scene, always in the characteristic "ho-ho-ho" manner of Santa Claus.]

Mark: [laughing] Hello. Merry Christmas!

Kevin: Now!

[Scott comes up behind Mark and hits him over the head.]

Mark: Oh! Who hit Santa Claus?

[Kevin points at Scott.]

Mark: Oh, don't be scared of me, young man, I'm Santa Claus!

Kevin: Santa Claus?

Mark: Yes, and I've brought presents! Sit down, sit down!

[They sit, Scott and Kevin on the couch and Mark in a chair to their right.]

Mark: Oh, now let's see, who do we have here, hm?

[Mark takes out his list and scans it.]

Mark: Charles and Barbra, a nice married couple. Five years married, congratulations!

Kevin: Thank you.

[Mark takes a teddy bear out of his sack and puts it on the coffee table, under his arm.]

Mark: So, how many children am I leaving presents for, hm?

Scott: Santa?

Mark: Hm?

Scott: We don't have any children.

Mark: No children?

Scott: No.

Mark: That's ridiculous!

Kevin: I'm sorry Santa, but we don't have any children.

Mark: Oh! I understand, come on, skootch over, come on now, alright.

[They move over, and Mark sits on the couch next to Kevin.]

Mark: Alright, listen very carefully, 'cause I only have a minute. Little boys have a doo-doo, and little girls have a hoo-ha, and in the spring, you rub them-

Kevin: Look, Santa, we know how to make children.

Scott: Geez.

Mark: Oh, good, well let's say you make some children!

[Mark tries to push them together on the couch, as they both struggle against him.]

Scott: Stop! Come on! Please! We don't know if we want to be parents!

Mark: What?

Scott: We both come from dysfunctional families-

Mark: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah! Your lips are flopping, but you're making no sense! All you need to know is that children are wonderful! They are! Why, I have several of them myself, and each time one of them calls me Daddy, a little part of my just melts, yes it does! Now, that might sound like a cliche, but it's not!

Scott: Santa, that isn't the problem.

Mark: Oh, so there is a problem. Alright child, come and sit on Santa's knee.

Scott: No, I-

Mark: No, no-

Scott: I-

Mark: Come now-

[Scott grunts in frustration and reluctantly sits on Mark's knee.]

Mark: Let's see our little boy, how are you? Okay, now tell me - does your doo-doo not stand up when your wife's hoo-ha wants?

Scott: Geez!

[Scott jumps up and darts across the room. Kevin stands up.]

Scott: Santa Claus!

Kevin: There is nothing wrong with my husband's penis!

[Mark jumps up, stomping his feet and holding his hands over his ears.]

Mark: Oh, Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!

Kevin: I'm sorry, Santa, but we don't want any children, so screw you and the deer you rode in on! Take your presents and leave!

Mark: Alright then, I'll take my presents and leave!

[Mark grabs his sack and goes toward the fireplace, but stops and turns to address Scott.]

Mark: But, but tell me this- if you don't have any children, who will play with the other people's children, huh? No one's children? Sounds like a pretty sad party to me.

Scott: Santa, you're ruining Christmas.

Mark: Yes, so let's say you have some children!

Scott: Get out!

[Mark climbs back up the chimney.]

Mark: [sadly, fading as he exits] Sad Christmas, sad Christmas, sad Christmas.

[Kevin sits on the couch and holds the teddy bear, looking sad all of a sudden.]

Scott: What's wrong, honey?

Kevin: Maybe Santa isn't so crazy.

["5 YEARS LATER" appears on the screen. We flash forward to the same room, but with a different tree. Bruce and Dave sit on the couch, with a little girl between them.]

Girl: So that's how I came to be born?

Dave: Yes. Isn't that neat?

Girl: And then my parents sold me?

Bruce: Well, you came with the house.

Dave: Yes, we got you and the house all in the same day.

Girl: I love you.

[The girl puts her arms around Dave and Bruce. They both look somewhat uncomfortable.]

Dave: And we're learning to love you, too.

[The image of Mark laughing is superimposed over the screen, with the sound of sleigh bells in the background.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video