Bruce: The Hangover

Obtained from: Kids in the Hall FAQ
Transcribed by: kurts@infinet.com

Bruce: The details are cloudly. Luckily in my haze I took notes. The events I can speak of only now, but I can taste it like it was yesterday. The reason I survived? Perhaps to tell the tale...

The Hangover.

Day One:

At 4:00 p.m. I wake up. By 9:00 p.m. I can make out shapes. I swear on the bible, although I don't actually own a bible, never again.

Day Two:

I am suprised to find a man asleep on my couch. He tells me he shares the same hangover and that he works with me. He teaches me this game called "Screaming Numbers," and we play until the neighbors complain.

Day Three:

Yay! I can move my head! I can move my head!

Day Four:

I take a short walk. I go to my answering machine. I check it. Good news. Only one person called. Bad news. It's my girlfriend and she called 17 times, referring to herself oddly as my "ex-girlfriend."

Day Five:

Finding a reflective surface, I am happy to note that my teeth have not been, in fact, removed with a hunting knife. I play a game of screaming numbers to celebrate. 11! 32! 9!

Day Six:

An angel appears. He brings me a pizza. He wants only paper for it. How beautiful his eyelashes are. Looking at the pizza I note I am now color blind. I fall asleep thinking of all of the old black and white films I have enjoyed--and will watch again.

Day Seven:

Hey, something smells!

Day Eight:

Today I suspect I am not hung over at all, but, in fact, an old man. An old man and I have been trapped in a hammock, spun around, and left to die. Left to die by people I do not remember and can't hate them by name.

Day Nine:

Further exploration of my answering machine reveals (although I have no recollection of this) I went into work. I went into work just long enough to play a game of screaming numbers and picked up what turned out to be my last check.

Day Ten:

Call a press conference. Only Steve Anthony of City TV arrives. I decide not to let him in.

Day Eleven:

I go to my ex-girlfriend's house and propose marriage. She does not accept. Neither does the man she refers to as "the new guy." After three hours she vows to take me back if I vow to stop drinking. Have small drink to celebrate. Snowflake becomes blizzard.

Day Twelve:

See day one.