Gezbo, The Video-Selling Clown

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
[Bruce, as Gord, is standing in front of a door. He takes a handfull of pills.]

Bruce: It's showtime.

[Bruce opens the door and enters a room full of children in their pajamas sitting on hospital beds. He crunches the pills, takes a drink, burps, and presses play on a stereo to start a short piece of upbeat music that ends as he starts speaking. Bruce goes over to a table at the front of the room. On the table are a book, a video, and a box, all labeled with a picture of a clown in a business suit.]

Bruce: Hi! I'm Gezbo, the video-selling clown! Could I have a big hand for myself for no reason whatsoever?

[The kids all clap.]

Bruce: Alright. Now, it is clown day here at St. Farrell Hospital, and more important for me, it's rent day. Rent day. D'you have any questions about that at all? Great. I'm a happy clown. I used to be a cynical clown, but you know what I did, kids? I went and bought [gesturing to the items as he speaks] a video, a book, and something in a box. Alright? Yeah. Oh, I almost forgot, on the way here today, I ran into baseball legend Roberto Alomar.

Kids: [amazed] Wow.

Bruce: [under his breath] That's "Alommmar" with three M's, legally I can proceed. [full voice] And gee, what were the Latin hero's exact words? That you kids, if you wanted to get well, should buy [gesturing] a video, a book, and something in a box [picks up the box and shakes it gently so whatever's inside rattles]. Now, how many of you sickly kids enjoy videos?

[All of the kids raise their hands.]

Bruce: All of you, great. And we've all read rhyming books that make us feel good, and something in a box- gee, what could that be, eh?

[The kids clap.]

Bruce: Yeah. Now listen, you kids carry any money on you at all, in your robes or bandages, any kind of cash at all?

Kid #1: You don't look like a clown!

Bruce: Didn't you notice my slightly oversized $400 shoes?

Kid #2: The last guy had us sing songs, and then made balloon animals.

Kid #3: Yeah.

Bruce: Are there bouncers in a children's hospital at all? [laughs] Great, great, great. Now, turning to the financial part of the fun, how many of you kids are interested in Gezbo's fun products?

[Mark enters and comes forward, in a wheelchair and wearing pajamas.]

Mark: Geez, I'm interested.

Bruce: Wow, you're a big boy.

Mark: Yeah!

Bruce: How old are you?

Mark: I'm eight.

Bruce: And, what's your name?

Mark: Sparky.

Bruce: That sounds realistic.

Mark: Yeah. Geez, Gezbo, do you mind if I tell you something about myself?

Bruce: Wouldja? Huh? Spark?

Mark: Okay. Y'know last summer, when I was seven, I got a very sick tummy, and at first, I thought it was because I was bad and looked at underwear ads. And I thought my parents didn't love me because I was bad. And then one night, after I cried myself to sleep-

Bruce: Wow, real tears rolling down the poor tyke's face. Can you picture it?

Mark: I was visited by an angel dressed just like you!

Bruce: Dressed like me? Did he speak?

Mark: Yes, he did. He said that if I wanted my parents to love me, I should buy a video, and book, and be more curious about thinkg in boxes.

Bruce: Hold it, Sparky- that's like our offer here today!

Mark: [under his breath] Hey, not to be confused with the offer he made last night, huh?

Bruce: [under his breath, laughing] Wow, those stewardesses sure could guzzle margaritas!

Kid #3: Hey, this is worse than Rafee!

Kid #1: You're a terrible clown!

Kid #2: You're a rotten clown!

[The kids all boo.]

Bruce: Hey, hey- would you sickly kids enjoy a scavenger hunt?

Kid #1: That sounds like fun!

All of the kids: Yeah!

Bruce: Okay, so what we'll do is we'll send you out of here, the ones who can walk, and you'll go and get some nice cartons of cigarettes and videocassettes, and the one who brings back the most will get something in a box. Alright, let's go, come on!

[The kids all get up and go toward the door.]

Bruce: And be back by midnight, 'cause Mr. Landlord gets grumpy around then.

All of the kids: Okay.

[The kids all leave. Mark grabs the box from the table and shakes it.]

Mark: So Gezbo, what's in the box?

Bruce: Let's just say that one of those stewardesses forgot her dial-a-candy.

Mark: Birth control pills?

Bruce: You're growing up, Sparky, growing up.

[Mark laughs.]

Mark: You take next.

Bruce: Okay.

[Bruce gets in the wheelchair as Mark exits.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video