The Fraud

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Laura Cihocki
Cast: [A group of businessmen is seated around a conference table. Dave stands next to a chart, holding a pointer.]

Dave: Man's best friend is not a dog. Man's best friend...is a good year in sales. As I think these figures more than prove. Now, it's important to understand where the increase began, so that you can understand the importance of long-term blah blah blah...

[Dave continues to blah blah blah while we hear his "thoughts."]

Dave (V.O.): Look at these smiling faces. They just don't have a clue. Look at them! Don't they know that I don't know what I'm talking about? How long is it before I'm finally found out? When is someone going to expose me for the fraud that I am?

[Kevin raises his hand, as Dave continues to blah blah.]

Dave (V.O.): Uh-oh, this is it. This is the moment I've been waiting for. He's going to expose me! The jig is up.

Kevin: Ed, aren't you worried about last month's unexpected drop in sales?

Dave: You know, that's a very good question, Tom! [Kevin laughs.] But blah blah blah...

[Dave continues to blah blah again until Kevin's next line.]

Dave (V.O.): I wouldn't know a good question if it was stuffed down my throat and pulled out my ass! God, that was close! I thought for sure he was going to expose me! I can't believe they let me stand here and talk, when I clearly--

Kevin: Wait a second! You don't have a clue what you're talking about, do you?

Mark: You're just standing there faking it! You're a complete and utter fraud!

Mark, Kevin, and other businessmen at table: Fraud! Fraud! Fraud! Fraud! Fraud! Fraud! Fraud! Fraud! Fraud! Fraud! Fraud!

Dave: Yes! Yes, it's true; you're right. Thank you! Thank you all so much! You have no idea what a relief this is for me. It's like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you! [He sighs.]

Mark: Great presentation, Ed! The best one yet. I think we've found our new east-coast sales manager, haven't we, guys?

[Applause and "Yeah!"s from the table. The camera zooms in on Dave's face.]

Dave (V.O.): Nooooooooooooooooooo!


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video