Looking For Frank

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: orteil_perdu@hotmail.com
Cast: [A phone rings. Kevin, just out of the shower and wrapped in a towel, answers it. Split screen with Dave]

Kevin: Hello?

Dave: Oh hi, is Frank there?

Kevin: Sorry, you must have the wrong number.

Dave: Oh jeez. Is this 555-6767?

Kevin: No, this is 555-7676.

Dave: [politely] Gee I find that hard to believe. See, I never make a mistake with numbers [abruptly] so I'm forced to assume you're lying. Put Frank on!

Kevin: Look, there's no Frank here! Good-bye. [Hangs up the phone. It rings two seconds later. Kevin frowns and picks up the receiver]

Dave: Look buddy, you better put Frank on the phone right now, okay?

Kevin: There's no Frank here, alright?

Dave: Listen! What you're selling I ain't buying! So put Frank on the phone right now or I'm gonna--

[Kevin hangs up again. Sure enough, the phone rings. He answers]

Kevin: Hello?

Dave: Listen Sonny Jim! If you don't put Frank on the phone right now I'm gonna call the cops. *In fact,* I am dialing the police right now as we speak.

Kevin: Oh yeah? Tell me something. If you're dialing the police, how can you still be talking to me?

[Dave is obviously stumped. He hangs up in contempt. Kevin, feeling triumphant, hangs up and begins to walk away. The phone rings. He picks it up]

Dave: Okay. You wanna know how I can be talking to you *and* dialing the police? Well I'll tell ya. I've got two phones! That's right pal, you're dealing with Steve "Two Phones" Mackabe! So if you've killed Frank, then just-- [breaks down] just tell me what you did with his body, man. [begins to sob]

Kevin: [visibly disturbed] Just a second. I'll see if Frank can come to the phone. Frank! There's a call for you! [Pauses, then covers the mouthpiece and talks in a silly falsetto] I'm in the shower! Can you take a message? [Normal voice] Frank's in the shower. Can I take a message?

Dave: Not good enough. I'm still dialing.

Kevin: Still?

Dave: Yeah . . . it's long distance. Yeah, you don't know the meaning of hell till you've dealt with the Tokyo police, pal.

Kevin: Look Frank, he really wants to talk to you. [Silly voice] Okay. Just let me get out of the shower and dry myself. [Sings] I'm drying myself, drying myself. I'm at the top of the stairs. Doo de doo de doo . . . Hey! Who put that rollerskate on the - AAHHH! Boom! My back! My back! I'm pretty sore - can he call later? [Normal voice] Frank is pretty hurt, could he call you back later?

Dave: Put Frank on the phone!

Kevin: He's really set on talkin to ya, Frank. [Silly voice] Okay, coming! Doo be doo be doo . . . Frank's the name, don't wear it out.

Dave: Well it sounds like Frank's voice . . . but I'll tell you what. I'll ask you a question that only the real Frank would know the answer to. In high school, was I a popular kid, or unpopular?

Kevin: Um, I would have to say unpopular.

Dave: [jubilantly] Frank! You're not dead! [Angrily] How the hell could you take Bonnie from me, you bastard?!

Kevin: [continuing to play along as Frank] But maybe you should have spent more time worrying about *her* needs.

Dave: Look Frank, I don't need to take this from you. I'm going to kill you Frank, y'hear me? You're a dead man Frank, a dead man! [Hangs up]

[Kevin slowly hangs up, shaken. His girlfriend enters the room]

Woman: Who were you talking to?

Kevin: Oh, just a wrong number.

Woman: Could have sworn I heard Frank's voice.

Kevin: WAAAUUUGGGHHH!!


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video