Progress in Food

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Kate Wilson
Cast- [Scott is in the kitchen when the door bell rings.]

Scott: Oh! OK Gordon don't worry I'll get it. -- Oh!

Woman: Hi Fran.

Scott: Hi Doreen!

Woman: Fran, could I borrow a cup of salsa?

Scott: Ah..cup-a-cup-a-what?

Woman: You know, salsa! The spicy dip.

Scott: Oh. I don't know that I do.

Woman: Salsa for the nachos.

Scott: Oh. [enunciating with bad accent] No habla espanol!

Woman: It's alright Fran, I'll see if the Vankeekans have any.

Scott: Okay! Poor dear.

[Bruce barges into the kitchen and startles Scott.]

Bruce: Fran!

Scott: Ah! Gordon, please, jeez, oh!

Bruce: Fran, I was just thinkin. I'm tired of mustard. How bout some spicy peanut sauce tonight on my burger. Thought I might perk it up a bit.

Scott: Peanut sauce.. for a burger.

Bruce: Yes.

Scott: Gor-pea- [slaps him on the shoulder] you mean peanut butter, silly sir.

Bruce: No I don't Fran, get with it. You know every-- oh I'd like to stay and fight but-- The game's on. [walks out]

Scott: Gordon-what--

[Scott walks to fridge and opens it; camera shows Scott's head from inside the fridge as he gathers food]

Scott:In the beginning, there was Miracle Whip. One kind of cheese, and fish came in sticks. Bread was white, and milk was homo [there is a carton of "homo milk"]. Our condiments were mustard, relish, and ketchup. Our spices were salt, pepper, and paprika. These were our sacraments. [closes fridge]

Garlic was ethnic. Mysterious. Something out of the Arabian Nights. And then one day it happened. Food exploded. People, yeah, people put down their Alan's Apple Juice and share of pudding, picked up a bowl of tofu, slathered it with President's Choice spicy Thai sauce, yeah, and washed it all down with a mango-guava seltzer.

You know, there are so many new products nowadays and I confess half of them I can't identify. I guess it's like that with people too. You know I can't tell a pita bread from a cactus pear or a Korean from a Filipino. I feel left behind. I do. I'm not *modern*.

I'm embarrassed to buy water in a bottle unless it's for the iron. And I still believe-- call me square but I still believe that tangerines are just for Christmas. You know what? I think it all started with marble cheese. I do! Yep. Well, think about it 'cause right after they introduced that, they came up with salt and vinegar chips. Then it was sour cream 'n' onion, homestyle, before you know it chips were being sold in a tuuube. Where will it all end?

[Dave enters the front door]

Dave: Hey mom.

Scott: Oh Brian.

Dave: Hi. [dropping coat and rushing off] I won't be eating any food I'm just gonna go to my room and study.

Scott: Brian, your coat like that really jeez I-- [discovers a bottle of pills in Brian's coat] Brian! Get back in here.

Dave: Whaaat-

Scott: What are these in aid of?

Dave: Oh those aren't mine they're a friend's I was holding them for a friend whose name I can't remember cos he left the country suddenly.. but I was just holding them as a favor ok? [laughing nervously]

Scott: Brian, tell the truth.

Dave: OK mom. Those were given to an astronaut. That's right mom, that's what astronauts eat when they are away on long space missions.

Scott: Oh! A meal in a pill!

Dave: Yes exactly mom totally.

Scott: I knew this day was coming.

Dave: I know mom. And they call it progress mom. [leaves kitchen]

Scott: Yeah, hoo-hoo! Oh well. Gordon, dinner is on! [puts a pill on each dinner plate]

Bruce: [runs into kitchen] Great!

Scott: Yep.

Bruce: What's this?

Scott: That's your dinner.

Bruce: [grabs pill] Fran, it's a goddamn benny. -- Drugs!

Scott: What?

Scott and Bruce: Brian! Get back in here!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video