Extreme Argument

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Renee Messick
Cast: [Christine enters a small diner and walk to the table Raj is occupying.]

Scott: Hi Christine.

Mark: Hi Sorry I'm late but it's like they built the subways just to confuse me.

Scott: I know. So what's up?

Mark: Do we have to sit here?

Scott: But we always sit here.

Mark: Yes, I know. In the back, in the dark, alone. And each time we do a little bit of me dies, ok?

Scott: You want to move?

Mark: Yes.

[They get up. Raj points to a nearby table.]

Scott: How about there?

Mark: Yeah I love it already.

[They sit.]

Scott: Hey Christine, there's something strange about you today. Did you change your perfume or are you in a bad mood?

Mark: [Lighting a cigarette] Look Raj, I don't want to talk about it. I'm just too freaked.

Scott: Christine..I can't imagine life without knowing.

Mark: You're right. Okay, but listen no one can know I mean no one can know. If anyone found out I would have to die, and I have the pills and I know how to swallow.

Scott: Your funeral would be such a zoo.

Mark: I know. I'm so tempted some days.

[They stare off into space]

Scott: [Snapping out of it] Where were we?

Mark: Oh yeah..Do you remember the guy I met at Lacey's party? The black guy?

Scott: Nooo.

Mark: Yes.

Scott: I mean I don't remember.

Mark: What? Well he was the guy in the kitchen. You know-

Scott: Ben!

Mark: [looking confused] what?

[A cute guy in a leather jacket walks up to Raj.]

Guy: Hey Raj.

Scott: Hi. [They hug] So how's your show?

Guy: It was great it was great. Don said to say hi.

Scott: Really? I thought he hated me.

Guy: [shy or stoned] No, he's totally in love with you.

Scott: Wow, ok so...

Guy: So uh I gotta get going.

Scott: Ok bye.

Guy: Buh-bye.

Scott: [turning away from Ben back to Christine] I have to have him. Isn't he gorgeous?

Mark: No I thought he look dull and stupid. You couldn't introduce me?

Scott: Christine. I talked to him for like one minute. I'm sorry if you felt ignored.

Mark: Oh excuse me Raj? You didn't just ignore me. That was abuse. You have abused me Raj. You of all people have abused me.

Scott: Oh. [Butters his bread]

Mark: Don't you dare threaten me with a knife!

Scott: I wasn't threatening you with a knife. You're being immature.

Mark: I'll decide if you were thank you.

Scott: You are such a bitch.

Mark: And I have just realized something very important about you Raj.

Scott: What?

Mark: You're going to die in a hole.

Scott: Oh?

Mark: Yes I've had a vision of you Raj. It's you standing in a hole with a bunch of people around you who do not know you so therefore they feel no sadness for you personally just a general sadness for a stupid ignorant club kid who could die alone in a hole. It's your future live it.

Scott: [Looks as though he will cry] So this is what our friendship has been all about? I let you get to know my strengths and weaknesses. I trusted you Christine. And all along you've been working for the Nazis.

Mark: I'm sorry Raj but while you were talking I was away on another planet. But I'm back now.

Scott: Oh well don't bother to unpack your bags because you don't live in my solar galaxy anymore.

Mark: Good. I guess we understand each other perfectly.

Scott: And I have a perfect hatred for you.

Mark: And I care exactly zero.

[Raj Starts to get up.]

Mark: No! I get to leave! [Stands up and walks out]

Scott: And I get to stay [lightly slams his fist down on the table]

[On screen: Five minutes later]

Mark and Scott: [back at their original table and hugging] I'm sorry!

Scott: I'm sorry Christine. I know exactly why it was we fought.

Mark: Why?

Scott: Because we didn't sit at our usual table.

Mark: But Raj..what would have made me pick such an evil table?

[They stare at the evil table.]

Mark and Scott: Ooooh.

Mark: Raj promise me that you'll never let us switch from our regular table again.

Scott: Promise. Cross my heart and hope to die. [Crosses his heart]

Mark: I mean these are the 90's right? There are certain people you shouldn't sleep with. Certain tables you shouldn't sit at. And certain cabs you just can't afford to get into.

Scott: Cabs! Oh no! [Jumps up and runs out of the diner]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video