Transcribed from: Comedy NetworkCast-
Transcribed by: orteil perdu
- Bruce- her
[Both are painting a small apartment a light powder pink. The colour is an exact match to the clothes Bruce is wearing. A Canadian flag hangs in the window.]
Bruce: This colour's perfect for this apartment. You know, this apartment's perfect for us and we're perfect for each other, don't you think?
Mark: [non-committedly] Yeah, sure.
Bruce: Our new apartment. [taking Mark's arm lustily and lying on the floor] Let's make love in it right now.
Mark: Nah, let's finish painting.
Bruce: . . . Okay. Are you having an affair?
Mark: No, I'm not having an affair.
Bruce: [laughing it off] Of course you're not having an affair.
Mark: Why do you ask?
Bruce: Why do I ask? Well, I mean, I'd want to know. I mean, I'd have to do something.
Mark: Oh yeah? [genuinely interested] What would you do?
Bruce: I'd move out.
Mark: Oh, move out. [dismissively] Yeah, that'd be too bad.
Bruce: Listen, you have to promise to tell me if you're cheating on me, alright?
Bruce: No? Listen, you have to promise to tell me, alright?
Mark: [sarcastically] Alright, I promise.
Bruce: So you'll tell me if you meet another woman.
Mark: Well, in all truth, probably not.
Bruce: Are you seeing someone now?
Mark: No, I'm not seeing anyone now.
Bruce: But you could be lying.
Mark: Oh god, yes, I could be lying. But I'm not, I swear.
Bruce: But you would swear if you were seeing someone.
Mark: Oh god, yeah. Even harder.
Bruce: Even harder than when?
Mark: Well, even harder than normal.
Bruce: Normal? What's normal for you?
Mark: Umm . . .
Bruce: Swear that you love me.
Mark: Ooo, bad choice. I could be going through the motions there too, honey.
Bruce: Well did you take out the garbage this morning?
Bruce: Then swear it.
Mark: No. Go look out the window. I'm not going to swear about taking out the garbage. Kids swear about taking out the garbage.
Bruce: [putting on a puppy face] You could tell me, I wouldn't mind.
Mark: Yes you would.
Bruce: Wouldn't you want me to tell you if I was having an affair?
Mark: Nope. Your business.
Bruce: Well I'm having an affair!
Mark: [chuckling] No you're not.
Bruce: I could be. I'm quite attractive.
Mark: Yes of course you are - but you're just not the type.
Bruce: Well I think you're having an affair and I'm going to treat you accordingly.
Mark: Hey, wait a minute. C'mon, look. I am not having an affair . . . at least I'm innocent until proven guilty. C'mon, that's in the Charter of Rights. Honour the Constitution, baby! Honour the flag that hangs in our bedroom window as temporary curtain!
Mark: Hey, you can sulk if you want to, but you got no case. You got no concrete or circumstantial evidence. Habeas corpus, baby: you got no body, you got no case.
Bruce: Let me see your wallet.
Mark: [becoming serious for the first time] What?
Bruce: Let me see your wallet. I'd kinda like to look through it.
[Bruce starts moving towards Mark, who dashes into the bathroom and locks the door. Bruce knocks on the door as Mark frantically flushes receipts down the toilet]