The Elusive Boyfriend

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: orteil perdu

[Both are painting a small apartment a light powder pink. The colour is an exact match to the clothes Bruce is wearing. A Canadian flag hangs in the window.]

Bruce: This colour's perfect for this apartment. You know, this apartment's perfect for us and we're perfect for each other, don't you think?

Mark: [non-committedly] Yeah, sure.

Bruce: Our new apartment. [taking Mark's arm lustily and lying on the floor] Let's make love in it right now.

Mark: Nah, let's finish painting.

Bruce: . . . Okay. Are you having an affair?

Mark: No, I'm not having an affair.

Bruce: [laughing it off] Of course you're not having an affair.

Mark: Why do you ask?

Bruce: Why do I ask? Well, I mean, I'd want to know. I mean, I'd have to do something.

Mark: Oh yeah? [genuinely interested] What would you do?

Bruce: I'd move out.

Mark: Oh, move out. [dismissively] Yeah, that'd be too bad.

Bruce: Listen, you have to promise to tell me if you're cheating on me, alright?

Mark: No!

Bruce: No? Listen, you have to promise to tell me, alright?

Mark: [sarcastically] Alright, I promise.

Bruce: So you'll tell me if you meet another woman.

Mark: Well, in all truth, probably not.

Bruce: Are you seeing someone now?

Mark: No, I'm not seeing anyone now.

Bruce: But you could be lying.

Mark: Oh god, yes, I could be lying. But I'm not, I swear.

Bruce: But you would swear if you were seeing someone.

Mark: Oh god, yeah. Even harder.

Bruce: Even harder than when?

Mark: Well, even harder than normal.

Bruce: Normal? What's normal for you?

Mark: Umm . . .

Bruce: Swear that you love me.

Mark: Ooo, bad choice. I could be going through the motions there too, honey.

Bruce: Well did you take out the garbage this morning?

Mark: Yeah.

Bruce: Then swear it.

Mark: No. Go look out the window. I'm not going to swear about taking out the garbage. Kids swear about taking out the garbage.

Bruce: [putting on a puppy face] You could tell me, I wouldn't mind.

Mark: Yes you would.

Bruce: Wouldn't you want me to tell you if I was having an affair?

Mark: Nope. Your business.

Bruce: Well I'm having an affair!

Mark: [chuckling] No you're not.

Bruce: I could be. I'm quite attractive.

Mark: Yes of course you are - but you're just not the type.

Bruce: Well I think you're having an affair and I'm going to treat you accordingly.

Mark: Hey, wait a minute. C'mon, look. I am not having an affair . . . at least I'm innocent until proven guilty. C'mon, that's in the Charter of Rights. Honour the Constitution, baby! Honour the flag that hangs in our bedroom window as temporary curtain!

Bruce: Bastard.

Mark: Hey, you can sulk if you want to, but you got no case. You got no concrete or circumstantial evidence. Habeas corpus, baby: you got no body, you got no case.

Bruce: Let me see your wallet.

Mark: [becoming serious for the first time] What?

Bruce: Let me see your wallet. I'd kinda like to look through it.

Mark: No.

[Bruce starts moving towards Mark, who dashes into the bathroom and locks the door. Bruce knocks on the door as Mark frantically flushes receipts down the toilet]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video