Dull Since the Heart Attack

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Heather Jones
[Mark and Bruce are two aging men.]

[Mark is at a health club, shaving.]

[Bruce comes in mumbling a tune...]

Mark: Hey, you know what's really terrific?

Bruce: Getting up so early in the morning you don't have to rush?

Mark: Yeah, yeah, that's terrific, but what's really terrific is you go out for a nice supper.

Bruce: Oh, that's just super.

Mark: Idn't that great? You know, we went to this one place last week, it's not too far, it's not too crowded, you can park the car, we had a beautiful time.

Bruce: Yeah, we went to this one place, it was just fantastic. They serve up really a tremendous meal. It's one of those Japanese places where they serve up the food right in front of ya.

Mark: Now that sounds fabulous.

Bruce: Yeah, it's one where the guys are there, work their knives, and the things they do with those knives, it's-it's a show, it's just-it's fantastic. It's super. It's entertaining as hell. It's a hoot is what it is.

Mark: Yeah, you know what's really, really great? I find is, you get up first thing in the morning, that's so super.

Bruce: Oh, that's fantastic.

[The word "DULL" appears on the screen.]

[Bruce mumbles a tune as he and Mark sit down.]

Bruce: Oh yeah.

Mark: Ahhhh..

Bruce: Here's something that Doug Lake used to do a lot.

Mark: Oh, yeah.

Bruce: You get up first thing in the morning, you have your normal tremendous meal--

Mark: Oh, sounds fabulous.

Bruce: You get dressed and you drive to work.

Mark: Yeah, sounds great.

Bruce: No, no, but listen to the truly terrific part. You drive to work, and the radio's playing one of those fabulous old tunes, you know, and you're humming maybe--

Mark: Yeah.

Bruce: And my God [inhales], the air. You get to work and you drive right by.

Mark: Huh?

Bruce: It's Saturday.

[Both laugh and "DULL SINCE THE HEART ATTACK" appears on the screen.]

[Both groan as they stand up.]

Mark: So, listen, I hope I'm gonna see you at the Christmas party.

Bruce: You kidding? You'd have to drag me away from that shindig. Nice band, nice spread-- wow, it's gonna be fun.

Mark: Yeah! Last years, wasn't that great? What a hoot. This year-- got a suit picked out, nice shirt, fantastic.

Bruce: Terrific.

Mark: Yeah, it's gonna be fantastic.

Bruce: Fantastically terrific.

[Under Mark, "4 years until the next heart attack", and under Bruce, "11 days until the next heart attack".]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video