Drunk as a Crow

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
[Bruce and Kevin are in adjoining hotel rooms. Bruce sits in a chair smoking a cigar, and Kevin sits on his bed, as they talk to each other on the phone.]

Bruce: What!

Kevin: [obviously very drunk] What?

Bruce: What!

Kevin: What?

Bruce: Stephen, you're drunk!

Kevin: What?

Bruce: Stephen, you're drunk and you're stupid, get off this phone!

Kevin: How can I go to bed when you keep calling?

Bruce: Stephen, you called me, you called me because you're drunk and you're stupid.

Kevin: You're...ugly.

Bruce: Stephen, your responses have been dulled by drink, drink and stupidity. Read a book and go to bed!

Kevin: You must've called fifty times.

Bruce: And you're drunk fifty times, and you're stupid as well. Stephen, get off this phone, it's for sober smart people.

Kevin: I love this phone, it's my phone.

Bruce: Stephen, it's a hotel phone.

Kevin: I'm not in a hotel.

Bruce: Yes you are, Stephen, go- go look at the towels, go look at the little soaps, maybe that will sober you up, Stephen.

Kevin: I know I'm in a hotel.

Bruce: Oh, good for you, Stephen, you're drunk, you're stupid, and you're in a hotel, are you happy, Stephen, are you happy?

Kevin: I am sober, fatso!

Bruce: Yeah, Stephen, I'm fat, I'm very fat. Tell me, are you drunk because you're stupid, or are you stupid because you're drunk?

Kevin: Quit quackin'! I'se thinkin' 'bout stuff.

Bruce: Oh, did it hurt, Stephen? Did it hurt to think? That's an old joke, Stephen, but you won't recall it because you're drunk and stupid and forgetful, and my God, how're you gonna fly on forty hours' sleep?

Kevin: Like a dove. [makes a flying motion with his hand]

Bruce: Like a drunk dove, like a drunk crow, hang up the phone, drunkard- Stephen, you're a disappointment. Not a surprise, but a disappointment.

Kevin: I know why I'm callin'! [gets up from the bed]

Bruce: Oh, good for you, Stephen! Welcome aboard to the human race, you can take off that mokey head now, Stephen! Welcome aboard, Stevie, welcome aboard!

Kevin: I know why I'm callin'!

Bruce: Why?

Kevin: May I borrow your minibar, sir?

Bruce: What?

Kevin: My minibar is empty- it's so small! [looks at the empty minibar]

Bruce: How'd it get empty, Stephen?

Kevin: I emptied it.

Bruce: Why?

Kevin: Consumption.

Bruce: Well, my minibar is empty as well.

Kevin: Ah-ha! You're drunk! [loses his balance and falls back onto the bed]

Bruce: Yes I am, but I'm not stupid, Stephen. Now listen, all I've got left is the champagne, the playing cards, and the cashew nuts. Now, do you want them?

Kevin: Yes.

Bruce: Alright. I'll send them over, Stephen, but listen, Stephen, for God sakes, don't play cards for money because you're drunk, and don't drink the champagne to celebrate how stupid you are. Eat the cashews and go to bed, and when you wake up, which'll be a half an hour from now, you'll say, "My God, I got drunk and spent eleven dollars on a handful of cashew nuts, boy am I stupid, luckily I'm no longer drunk."

[Kevin snores into the phone - he's fallen asleep with the phone balanced on his face.]

Bruce: You're drunk, you're stupid, and you're asleep on my phone line, what a frightening apparition you are.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video