Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast-
Transcribed by: [Anon]
[Setting: a court room]
- Bruce- District Attorney
- Scott- Francesca Fiore
- Kevin- Mr. Tisane
- Dave- Bruno Puntz Jones
- Mark- Judge
- Man- Bailiff
Bruce: Mr. Tisane, how would you describe your relationship with Mrs. Tisane?
Kevin: Not good.
Bruce: Would you elaborate please?
Kevin: [meekly] She hits me.
Kevin: She hits me.
Bruce: Your wife hits you?
Kevin: Hits me hard.
Bruce: No more questions your honor. I'd like to call to the stand Mrs. Tisane.
Man: Calling Mrs. Tisane to the stand.
[Music plays as Francesca Fiore makes a glamorous entrance into the courtroom with photographers snapping shots.]
Man: Put your hand on the bible and repeat after me-
Scott: No! Peasant! Go, go, go!!
Bruce: Mrs. Tisane,-
Scott: Hey is not Mrs. Tisane. Is Miss Francesca Fiore. I keep my maiden hand.
Bruce: Fine, Miss Francesca Fiore. Your husband is suing you of divorce on grounds for physical abuse
Bruce: Now let's go back to the beginning shall we? Why did you marry your husband?
Scott: I marry him for canadian citizenship. In my circle is very shiek. Besides I get to study woodland animals. I like the beaver, but the wolverine is my favorite. Only one who kill for pleasure!!!
Bruce: So you're admitting you didn't marry your husband for love?
Scott: No, of course not. Ay!
Bruce: If he knew that why do you think he married you?
Scott: I told him to.
Bruce: Miss Francesca Fiore, do you beat your husband?
Scott: [gasps] What?! No. Maybe. Yes, but is hard not to hit him.
Bruce: I rest my case your honor.
Scott: No!! Judge, just look at him.
[Bailiff sniffs around Mr. Tisane and then hits him.]
Scott: There is just something that he give off like a gas or pheromone which make you want to hit him. Have to hit him!!
Bruce: Objection your honor!
Scott: Is true. I take to scientists they weigh him and everything.
Mark: Mr. Tisane would you please approach the bench?
Kevin: Uh oh. [Kevin gets up but only comes halfway.]
Mark: Mr. Tisane please come closer, I have no intention of hitting you.
[Kevin approaches the bench. Mark sniffs at him and hits him with the gavel.]
Scott: I rest my case.
Mark: I'm sorry Mr. Tisane, it appears that no matter who you're with, they'll hit you. It's scientific. I see no reason to grant-
Dave: I have reason!!
Bruce: And who are you?
Dave: I am Bruno Puntz Jones. And I am married to that woman.
Mark: Miss Fiore, is this true?
Scott: Well, maybe is true. But we were 12 only!!!
Dave: No Francesca I was 12. You were 26.
Bruce: Really, that would make you forty-
[Dave shoots Bruce]
Scott: Bruno!! Bruno!!
[Mark pounds gavel and yells "Order!" in the background]
Scott: You still love me!!
Scott: Oh Bruno!
Dave: But why you want to become canadian?
Kevin: Well Canada does have the best health care system in the world.
Scott: Yes. Is true.
Scott, Kevin, and Dave: Canada does have the best health care system in the world!!!
[Canadian national anthem plays.]