Francesca Fiore and Mr. Tisane: Divorce Court

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: [Anon]
Cast- [Setting: a court room]

Bruce: Mr. Tisane, how would you describe your relationship with Mrs. Tisane?

Kevin: Not good.

Bruce: Would you elaborate please?

Kevin: [meekly] She hits me.

Bruce: What?

Kevin: She hits me.

Bruce: Your wife hits you?

Kevin: Hits me hard.

Bruce: No more questions your honor. I'd like to call to the stand Mrs. Tisane.

Man: Calling Mrs. Tisane to the stand.

[Music plays as Francesca Fiore makes a glamorous entrance into the courtroom with photographers snapping shots.]

Man: Put your hand on the bible and repeat after me-

Scott: No! Peasant! Go, go, go!!

Bruce: Mrs. Tisane,-

Scott: Hey is not Mrs. Tisane. Is Miss Francesca Fiore. I keep my maiden hand.

Bruce: Fine, Miss Francesca Fiore. Your husband is suing you of divorce on grounds for physical abuse

Scott: What?

Bruce: Now let's go back to the beginning shall we? Why did you marry your husband?

Scott: I marry him for canadian citizenship. In my circle is very shiek. Besides I get to study woodland animals. I like the beaver, but the wolverine is my favorite. Only one who kill for pleasure!!!

Bruce: So you're admitting you didn't marry your husband for love?

Scott: No, of course not. Ay!

Bruce: If he knew that why do you think he married you?

Scott: I told him to.

Bruce: Miss Francesca Fiore, do you beat your husband?

Scott: [gasps] What?! No. Maybe. Yes, but is hard not to hit him.

Bruce: I rest my case your honor.

Scott: No!! Judge, just look at him.

[Bailiff sniffs around Mr. Tisane and then hits him.]

Scott: There is just something that he give off like a gas or pheromone which make you want to hit him. Have to hit him!!

Bruce: Objection your honor!

Scott: Is true. I take to scientists they weigh him and everything.

Mark: Mr. Tisane would you please approach the bench?

Kevin: Uh oh. [Kevin gets up but only comes halfway.]

Mark: Mr. Tisane please come closer, I have no intention of hitting you.

[Kevin approaches the bench. Mark sniffs at him and hits him with the gavel.]

Scott: I rest my case.

Kevin: Ouch.

Mark: I'm sorry Mr. Tisane, it appears that no matter who you're with, they'll hit you. It's scientific. I see no reason to grant-

Dave: I have reason!!

Bruce: And who are you?

Dave: I am Bruno Puntz Jones. And I am married to that woman.

Mark: Miss Fiore, is this true?

Scott: Well, maybe is true. But we were 12 only!!!

Dave: No Francesca I was 12. You were 26.

Bruce: Really, that would make you forty-

[Dave shoots Bruce]

Scott: Bruno!! Bruno!!

[Mark pounds gavel and yells "Order!" in the background]

Scott: You still love me!!

Dave: Francesca.

Scott: Oh Bruno!

Dave: But why you want to become canadian?

Kevin: Well Canada does have the best health care system in the world.

Scott: Yes. Is true.

Scott, Kevin, and Dave: Canada does have the best health care system in the world!!!

[Canadian national anthem plays.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video