Chicken Lady: House I Grew Up In

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (

[Setting: Rural Farmhouse: Day. A farmer and his wife are sitting down for lunch and are saying Grace.]

Woman: For what we are about to eat, we give thanks. Amen.

Man: Amen.

[Farmer begins to eat when he looks out the window and sees something.]

Man: Mother?

Woman: Yes dear?

Man: There's something out there.

Woman: We aren't expecting anybody.

[They move to the window in the door to get a better look.]

Woman: I don't see anyone dear.

[Mark suddenly moves into the shot of the window from the side of the door.]

Mark: Hello!

[The farm couple scream as Mark enters the house.]

Mark: Can I come in? Hi. I used to live here. Can I come in and look around?

Man: Well, actually we're in the middle of our...

Mark: Oh, thanks. Ohh God, the memories, eh? [? They feel like...?] .. like memories.

[Mark moves into the kitchen.]

Mark: Oh look at that, eh? The old cupboards. Lovely little cupboards. Oh, hi cupboards...Do you remember me? Do you remember me?

Man: [whispering] What is it, Mother?

Woman:[whispering back] I don't know.

[Mark now holds a knife and a wooden box of knives.]

Mark: You shouldn't have these out. I'm not allowed to play with these. These gotta go away. [he drops the knives in the sink and picks up a wooden spoon and a metal pan] [singing] Oh give me a home, where the... [stops and drops the pan, looking at the spoon] hey, I don't remember this.

Man: That's because it's ours.

Mark: Oh yeah? It's really nice.

Farmer and Wife: Thank you.

Mark: You're welcome. [drops spoon as he sees the table] Oh, the table! Know what? I was born right here on this table. [freezes up and rolls his eyes like he's going to explode.]

Woman: Are... Are you allright dear?

Mark: Memories(?)..... [starts to shake]

[Cut to the past: Dave and Kevin are an old farm couple. Dave is holding a mallet and part of a big eggshell.]

Kevin: [astonished] What is it?

Dave: [slowly] Well, it's a chicken. But it's also a kid. It's a chicken kid.. it's a girl....

Kevin: [looks off camera at someone across the table] [quietly] What have you done? [a bit louder and more astonished] What have you done?!?!

[Cut to Mark, looking very stupid and redneckish.]

Mark: [stuttering] How dare you say....

[The baby chick peeps and Mark gasps, turning tail and running out into the dark and stormy night, never to be seen again among non-chicken-lovers.]

Dave: 'Spose I should leaves you alone, so ya can kill it.

[Dave exits, leaving Kevin alone. He picks up a frying pan and gets ready to kill the chick The baby starts clucking and peeping, as if it knows what is coming.]

Kevin: Stop squirmin' you ugly....

Baby: Ma-ma.

[Kevin drops the pan and moves to embrace and kiss the chick.]

Kevin: Oh... BABY!

[Cut back to the house, in the present. Now we're in the bedroom.]

Mark: Oh! This is the room where my mom and my stepdad used to sleep.

Man: You shouldn't be in here.

Woman: This is OUR room.

Mark: Oh, do you have sex here? [the farm couple both looked shock, as if they don't know the meaning of the s-word.] [slyly] Have you had sex?

[Mark convulses again and goes into another Flashback.]

[We see the same room in the past. From a bed we hear moaning and see the squeaking springs under the mattress, the bedknob banging against the wall, and the bedside cabinet, which is covered with liquor bottles shakes a little. Scott eventually comes into view from under the covers panting. Then Kevin. Suddenly, Scott gets more active and we hear the spring squeak louder, the bedknob bang harder and the bottles roll off the moving cabinet.]

[Scott keeps pushing, and turns around seeing a young Chicken Girl watching them, stopping instantly.]

Kevin: [surprised at the sudden stop] Hmmm?

Scott: Damn brat's in the room.

Chicken Girl: [looks at them a bit closer] What are you doing?

Scott: Get out!

[Scott tosses a shoe at Chicken Girl, which she ducks under. It hits the lamp and knocks it over.]

[Cut back to present. The farm couple is slowly backing away from Chicken Lady, towards the front door.]

Mark: And high school was hard for me, cause I was really unpopular. Wonder why? Cause I'm special. Yeah, my mom said so. She said all the other kids (?were going to hell?) ...Hey! That's where I used to catch my bus! Right down there! [points to the window as he goes back into a flashback.]

[We see Mark dresses as a young farm girl, at the bus stop. He wears a plaid skirt, pig tails with pink ribbons, glasses, and carries a lunch pail. The bus drives right past her and we see Mark run after "Wait!". We then cut back to the present, where Chicken Lady has come to a door.

Mark: This is it! This is my room! [tries the door to find it locked] Could you open it up? I've just got to see it!

[Farmer's Wife shakes her head.]

Mark: [smiles] I met my first boyfriend here.

[Mark pushes against the door with his body, nudging the door open. Cut to a group of drunken, teenage guys pushing the same door open. One of them, Bruce, is blindfolded and pushed into the room. The other guys are hooting and hollering and acting like.. well, drunk teenage guys as they push Bruce into the room and close the door behind him.]

Bruce: [smiling] Hey! Where am I? Wha... wha...What's that smell....

[He takes off the blindfold and apparently sees a hormone crazed, teenaged Chicken Lady. Thankfully we don't see it, thanks to the POV shot from the camera. Bruce smiles at the camera as it moves closer, frantically trying to get the door open.]

[Back in the Present.]

Mark: They say the experience left him scarred for life.

[Farm Couple look at her in horror.]

Mark: I'm sorry, I'm a little thirsty. Can I go drink out of your toilet?

[Cut to Mark getting kicked from house.]

Woman: May God have mercy on your soul!

Mark: Yeah. You too, he? Thanks. Bye.

[starts to move towards car]

Mark: Aww... goodbye porch. Goodbye tree. Goodbye pathway! Goodbye little bush! Goodbye House! Goodbye! Aww...Goodbye telephone pole! Bye telephone pole! Hello Car!

[Mark gets into the car where The Bearded Lady has been waiting.]

Kevin: So, that's your old house?

Mark: Yeah, I think it was.

[They start to pull out. Mark looks out the window and nearly jumps out of it pointing.]

Mark: No wait! There it is! That's it right there!

[he motions at the house next door. We see the car go right past it as he continues o about memories... we can't make out what he says because of the laugh track.]

Kevin: That was the last damn house!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video