Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto[Scene: a line to get into "The Phantom of the Opera". Mark is pacing back and forth looking at her watch. Then Bruce runs up.]
- Mark- Sharrise
- Bruce- Sid
- And old cop and a young cop
- The Phantom of the Opera
Bruce: My sweet lily! How I have missed your petals!
[Bruce tries to hug Mark, but he pushes him.]
Mark: [angrily] You're late! And you said you'd be early! You betrayed me!
[Mark throws the Phantom tickets on the ground.]
Bruce: But baby, the busses were all backward.
Mark: I'm not a victim! I'm charging you! Get the cops!
Bruce: Baby that's too cruel!
[Two cops run up]
Young Cop: Hey, what's the disturbance here?
Mark: I'm charging him!
[The young cop grabs Bruce.]
Bruce: But baby, I love you! I love you with my tiny little heart.
Young Cop: Yeah right. Come on, pal. [He starts to take Bruce away.]
Older Cop: Yeah, hold on Wendel. [to Mark] What's the charge?
Mark: Well, for six months he's been sitting on the couch complaining he hurt his back, then he farts and he thinks it's funny!
Bruce:One time baby, I had a bad burrito.
Mark: He's always bringing his friends over. They bring their greasy carburetors right into the kitchen. He gives them our last sandwiches. It's impossible to have a decent live with all his friggin' and fraggin'!
Older Cop: Could you be more specific?
Mark: He's a farter! He's a fartin' machine!
Older Cop: That's not a charge.
Mark: It isn't? Well it should be! Well how 'bout littering?
[Shot of the Phantom tickets on the ground.]
Young Cop: Ok, pal, that's the last pair of Phantom tickets you toss away. Let's go.
[The cops start to take Bruce out.]
Mark: Aw, baby! I'll wait for you! I'll wait for my baby boy.
Bruce: You fingered me, you betrayed me, you're dead to me baby!
Mark: Come on, sweetness!
Bruce: Oh sugar...
Mark: Hon, don't let prison change you, make you hard.
Bruce: Change me? What, you don't like me the way I am? You think I'm too small? You think I'm too wee to do labor work? That's where you're wrong! I use the big shovel! I use the big shovel.
Mark: [Yells a whole lot of intelligible stuff] OK OK....thing of beauty. Let him go! I'm droppin the charges, I'm droppin the charges!
[The cops let Bruce go.]
Bruce: Well I'm charging *you*!
Mark: What?
[The cops grab Mark.]
Bruce: You just wanted me in jail so you could flit around, eh? Having guys over, drinkin my rye and my root beer. You're charged!
Mark: Aw, come on! I only drink when I feel like getting drunk!
Bruce: You're right. How can I tell thee how I love thee?
Older Cop: You could drop the charges.
Bruce: I'm dropping the charges. I can't charge the woman I love. Come to me sweetest.
[Bruce goes to hug Mark, but he pushes him.]
Mark: You're a coward! You won't commit to any decision you make!
Bruce: But baby, we got along together.
Mark: Oh yeah, no interest 'til 1994, and he goes and farts up the furniture. It's got no resale value at all! I'm charging him, I'm charging him. Take him away!
[The young cop runs for Bruce.]
Bruce: Well I'm charging *you*!
Older Cop: Hold on, you guys gotta have charges.
Bruce: Well, she dies her hair too much!
[Mark punches him in the face.]
Mark: [mumbles] Oh well there you go for that.
Bruce: Baby, you broke my nose.
Older Cop: Well now *there's* a charge.
Mark: What?
Bruce: What?
Young Cop: Right, assault! That's a charge!
Mark: What, you can't hit a guy?
Bruce: That's ludicrous, the judicial system will grind to a hault! How long's this been going on?
Older Cop: Are you gonna charging her or what?
Bruce: I'm charging her! [becoming calm] But I'll drop the charges if she'll be my bride.
[The crowd, who has been watching this goes "awwww...."]
Mark: Oh my lovely boy!
Bruce: My Methusala!
[They finally get that hug.]
Mark: But are you sure? Remember, we promised not to do anything when we were drunk after we bought that furniture.
Bruce: You broke my nose baby, let's break that vow.
Mark: Oh God I love you!
Bruce: I love you.
Mark: I love you!
Bruce: I love you.
Mark: And you know I never would have charged you!
Bruce: I wouldn't charge *you*!
Mark: I never...(?)...you know that, don't you?
[The Phantom of the Opera comes out of the door behind them.]
Phantom: I'm charging you both with disturbing the peace! I'm *trying* to do a show!
[He goes back inside. The older cop grabs Mark and the younger one grabs Bruce.]
Mark: That was the Phantom. You couldn't get his autograph, he was standing right there!
Bruce: Why didn't you get it, you piece of white trash!
[Mark tries to kick him.]
Mark: Don't you call me a piece of white trash I'll--
[The cops take them away.]