Sid and Sharisee: I'm Charging You

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto
Cast: [Scene: a line to get into "The Phantom of the Opera". Mark is pacing back and forth looking at her watch. Then Bruce runs up.]

Bruce: My sweet lily! How I have missed your petals!

[Bruce tries to hug Mark, but he pushes him.]

Mark: [angrily] You're late! And you said you'd be early! You betrayed me!

[Mark throws the Phantom tickets on the ground.]

Bruce: But baby, the busses were all backward.

Mark: I'm not a victim! I'm charging you! Get the cops!

Bruce: Baby that's too cruel!

[Two cops run up]

Young Cop: Hey, what's the disturbance here?

Mark: I'm charging him!

[The young cop grabs Bruce.]

Bruce: But baby, I love you! I love you with my tiny little heart.

Young Cop: Yeah right. Come on, pal. [He starts to take Bruce away.]

Older Cop: Yeah, hold on Wendel. [to Mark] What's the charge?

Mark: Well, for six months he's been sitting on the couch complaining he hurt his back, then he farts and he thinks it's funny!

Bruce:One time baby, I had a bad burrito.

Mark: He's always bringing his friends over. They bring their greasy carburetors right into the kitchen. He gives them our last sandwiches. It's impossible to have a decent live with all his friggin' and fraggin'!

Older Cop: Could you be more specific?

Mark: He's a farter! He's a fartin' machine!

Older Cop: That's not a charge.

Mark: It isn't? Well it should be! Well how 'bout littering?

[Shot of the Phantom tickets on the ground.]

Young Cop: Ok, pal, that's the last pair of Phantom tickets you toss away. Let's go.

[The cops start to take Bruce out.]

Mark: Aw, baby! I'll wait for you! I'll wait for my baby boy.

Bruce: You fingered me, you betrayed me, you're dead to me baby!

Mark: Come on, sweetness!

Bruce: Oh sugar...

Mark: Hon, don't let prison change you, make you hard.

Bruce: Change me? What, you don't like me the way I am? You think I'm too small? You think I'm too wee to do labor work? That's where you're wrong! I use the big shovel! I use the big shovel.

Mark: [Yells a whole lot of intelligible stuff] OK OK....thing of beauty. Let him go! I'm droppin the charges, I'm droppin the charges!

[The cops let Bruce go.]

Bruce: Well I'm charging *you*!

Mark: What?

[The cops grab Mark.]

Bruce: You just wanted me in jail so you could flit around, eh? Having guys over, drinkin my rye and my root beer. You're charged!

Mark: Aw, come on! I only drink when I feel like getting drunk!

Bruce: You're right. How can I tell thee how I love thee?

Older Cop: You could drop the charges.

Bruce: I'm dropping the charges. I can't charge the woman I love. Come to me sweetest.

[Bruce goes to hug Mark, but he pushes him.]

Mark: You're a coward! You won't commit to any decision you make!

Bruce: But baby, we got along together.

Mark: Oh yeah, no interest 'til 1994, and he goes and farts up the furniture. It's got no resale value at all! I'm charging him, I'm charging him. Take him away!

[The young cop runs for Bruce.]

Bruce: Well I'm charging *you*!

Older Cop: Hold on, you guys gotta have charges.

Bruce: Well, she dies her hair too much!

[Mark punches him in the face.]

Mark: [mumbles] Oh well there you go for that.

Bruce: Baby, you broke my nose.

Older Cop: Well now *there's* a charge.

Mark: What?

Bruce: What?

Young Cop: Right, assault! That's a charge!

Mark: What, you can't hit a guy?

Bruce: That's ludicrous, the judicial system will grind to a hault! How long's this been going on?

Older Cop: Are you gonna charging her or what?

Bruce: I'm charging her! [becoming calm] But I'll drop the charges if she'll be my bride.

[The crowd, who has been watching this goes "awwww...."]

Mark: Oh my lovely boy!

Bruce: My Methusala!

[They finally get that hug.]

Mark: But are you sure? Remember, we promised not to do anything when we were drunk after we bought that furniture.

Bruce: You broke my nose baby, let's break that vow.

Mark: Oh God I love you!

Bruce: I love you.

Mark: I love you!

Bruce: I love you.

Mark: And you know I never would have charged you!

Bruce: I wouldn't charge *you*!

Mark: I never...(?) know that, don't you?

[The Phantom of the Opera comes out of the door behind them.]

Phantom: I'm charging you both with disturbing the peace! I'm *trying* to do a show!

[He goes back inside. The older cop grabs Mark and the younger one grabs Bruce.]

Mark: That was the Phantom. You couldn't get his autograph, he was standing right there!

Bruce: Why didn't you get it, you piece of white trash!

[Mark tries to kick him.]

Mark: Don't you call me a piece of white trash I'll--

[The cops take them away.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video