Chalet 2000

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (
Cast- [We see a shot of Buckingham Palace. Hail Britannia plays softly in the background as a variety of Tabloid newspapers spin into view, each highlighting some kind of past Royal Family crisis. As the papers spin up, the music changes somewhat, becoming a shocking fanfare.]

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[The last one, complete with picture, is part of a spinning around still photo shot. We see a hand holding the paper. As the still shot unfreezes, we see the hands holding the paper crumple it and pull back to revel H.R.H Queen Elizabeth II (Scott). She is smoking a cigarette and looks very upset. She paces around her quarters as the dialgoue continues.]

Queen: I knew I should have looked before sitting! Oh.... is there NOWHERE on God's Good Earth I can find some Privacy(said PRIV-A-SEE)? Or is it privacy? Priv-a-see / Pry-va-see? Either / I-ther? Rather/ Rever? [puts out cigarette and sits down] Whatever! I need a friend. I need a pal. I need a buddy.

[as she says buddy, Buddy Cole''s smiling visage appears in a snowglobe on the table, ala The Wizard of Oz. The Queen sees it and screams in realization]

Queen: Buddy! Yes! Buddy, oh! [runs from the room, looking much cheerier]

[As the Queen exits we cut to a small dressing table in the background. It has three maniquine heads which hold a hat, a tiara and a crown. The one with the crown faces away from us and looks slightly out of place. As we focus on it, we see why as the table stands up and turns around. The middle head is Lanky Dean (Mark), a reporter. He stands up, the table prooving to be a brilliant disguise. The music takes on a Mission: Impossible feel, as Lanky pulls a portable phone out and dials a number. Lanky, it might be noted, looks a little bit like Austin Powers, although not quite as retro and with an Australian accent.]

Mark: Hello? Lanky Dean, here. Get me the editor's desk. Hello, Tom? Hey, how are yoa, you stupid old bird? Good to hear it. Listen, I can't say too much.. but I'm going to need a ticket to....

[POV Shot from Mark: We see the snow globe again. It is of a small cabin which has "Chalet 2000". It has "NWT Canada" written on the side of it]

Mark: NWT Canada. Right? Northwest Territories? Whatsat? Well, set me up okay? Ta! [hangs up]

[Spotting a globe, he begins to move over to it.]

Mark: Northwest Territories.... [quick POV shot as we see the globe, and Canada, and the NWT way up north] Ah, no! All that way?!?! For what? I've only get 17 lines in this piece! And there's 5 of them gone already! And I get buggered at the end! [laughs] Ah, but it's a good show. You'll see.

[Mark exits, table and all as we fade to black and the following text appears and we hear flowing, American western adventure music. Kinda like the theme to Blazzing Saddles. As the actor's names come up, we see silent video of each actor as the character.]

Lorne Michaels Presents

Scott Thompson as Buddy Cole
Dave Foley as Jacques
Kevin McDonald as Francois
Mark McKinney as Lanky Dean
Dayo Ade as Rebel
David Duranovitch as Sinbad
Hans Von Veldenkoop as Pierre
H.R.H. Queen Elizabeth II as Herself
and Bruce McCulloch as The Beaver

[Cut to a shot of a nice mountain cabin. CHALET 2000 is written on in in Christmas lights and there are two large plam trees on either side of the cabin door.]

[Cut to Cabin interior. Buddy is looking out the window. Buddy, it might be noted, is dressed like the seconding coming of Pocahontas. Lots of white fur and beads.]

Scott: Geez, where did all that snow come from? [turns] Rebel. Sinbad. Throw another log on the fire, boys!

[Cut to across the room where two men, one black (Rebel) and one white (Sinbad) stand in front of the fire place, arms crossed. They have the builds of Chipendales, which are shown off to good advantage by their outfits; matching chainmail tops, fur codpieces, greaves (those metal calve-armor things) and sandals. They both go to work on the fire as Buddy turns to the camera as if noticing us.]

Scott: Oh, hello there... and welcome to Chalet 2000. My Northern home away from home. This is the place where I come to unwind from my hectic life in the South. Whatever it is I do. You may have noticed how dark it is outside, even though it's just noon? That's because today is Night Day.

Rebel and Sinbad: [back in their studly poses, they break them to make a cheering gesture then promptly go back to the arms crossed look] Yay!

Scott: Either the shortest day of the year or the longest night. 23 hours, 59 minutes and 58 seconds of darkness. Basically a two second day, so you've got to be fast if you want to get anything done.

[There's a knock on the double doors to the cabin. Scott looks at a Bellini, with a goatee, dressed like a German boy (leiderhosen and everything: even a blond page boy haircut)]

Scott: Pierre?

[Bellini, who has been asleep in the background all this time starts to get up, looking ill pleased to do so.]

Scott: [exasperated] Oh, I'll get it.

[Suddenly, a large block of ice (the special mystery guest) is pushed in through the double doors, as dramatic music plays. It looks like three is someone.. or something inside it.]

Scott: Where's the gin?

[Sinbad and Rebel move to close the doors as, from behind the block of ice, Jacques and Francois step out. The music switches to Allouette, Allouette as Jacques and Francois enter]

Scott: Jacques! Francois! [Scott says something in French and hugs Kevin] Happy Night Day! [hugs Dave] Happy Night Day!

Dave: Happy Night Day, Buddy.

Scott: I haven't seen you two in ages!

Dave: Yes. It has been too long, my friend.

Scott: [motioning at the ice block] So, what's this?

Kevin: We found this large block of ice, ironically enough, while ice fishing.

Dave: This is ironic, you see because when you are ice fishing you are not actually fishing for ice, but rather fishing THROUGH the ice....

Kevin: ... for fish.

[The two laugh as Buddy nods, looking quite amazed at this revelation.]

Kevin: Let us tell you the story.

Dave: Yes. We were out at our ice fishing hut on the lake....

[We flashback to a small, ice-fishing hut. They fishing through a hole in the ice .... for fish.]

Kevin: Jacques?! I think I caught something!

Dave: Ah. Let me have a look, Francois. [looks through the hole] Ah! It looks like you have caught a giant block of Ice, Francois.

Kevin: How ironic!

Dave: Yes, because when you are ice fishing, you are not actually fishing for ice, but rather you are fishing through the ice...

Kevin: For fish. [the two laugh]

Dave: Let me help you.

[We Flash forward]

Scott: Quelle histoire! You know, boys? It looks like there's someone or something inside.

Kevin: Yes Buddy.. but what should we do?

Scott: I don't know....

[A dramatic chord plays as everybody gets a ponderous expression on their face. We then hear some music that sounds almost, but not unlike the Jeopardy them as we do close-ups of each character pondering. First, Buddy, then Jacques, then Francois, then Rebel, then Sinbad, then Buddy again.. and finally Pierre, who has gone back to sleep in his chair.]

Scott: I've got it! I say we let it melt! And then we can see who.. or what is inside!

Dave: Ah! I tell you Buddy would know what to do!

Kevin: He's a genuis!

Dave: A genuis!

Kevin: A genuis!

[The three laugh as Pierre rings a gong, looking as happy as ever]

Scott: Lunch!

[We cut to the dining hall. Buddy sits at the head of the table. Jacques and Francois to his left, Rebel and Sinbad to his right. Candles are lit and everything looks very festive, like a Martha Stewart party, only more tasteful.]

Scott: Let's say grace.

[Everyone bows their heads and folds their hands as Scott speaks. We pan upward to an icon of Paul Lynde, as he looked on Hollywood Squares]

Scott: Dear Uncle Paul,. Lead us not into temptation, within reason. And on this day, help us all to maintain the standards of center square

All: Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh-man!

Scott: Let's eat.

[Pierre enters, placing a large pot on the end of the table.]

Rebel: Smells good. What is it, Buddy?

Scott: It's baby seal flipper stew.

[The table tips over with the added weight of the pot, spilling all the dishes over onto the two fur trappers. Kevin proudly holds up a spoon which he managed to catch]

Scott: Casdorf!!!

[Enter Bruce, a beaver. He wears cut off blue jeans and an open red flannel vest. He giggles like a happy forest creature as he nibbles on a table leg that he holds in his hand]

Dave: Ah, Francois. Look at the nice beaver. She is nice and fat, no?

Kevin: Oh-ho-ho.

Bruce: First of all, I'm not a she. And second of all, I'm not fat. So, sod off, frogs!

Scott: He's my adopted son..

Bruce: [quietly] What? I'm adopted?

Scott: His parents were killed by an uncaring government.

Kevin: What?! The government is uncaring?

[Dave puts a comforting hand on his shoulder]

Bruce: [in shock] I'm adopted?

Dave: Cheer up, Beaver. Have some seal flipper stew.

Bruce: [indignant] I'm a vegetarian!

Scott: He only eats Lucky Charms and beer.

Bruce: Yeah, Dad?

Scott: Yeah?

Bruce: Where's my grub?

Scott: Oh, it's up there. Could you please get it for me, Rebel? I just can't seem to reach it. [strains for a high cabinet while remaining sitting down] Thanks.

[Rebel gets on a step and sretches to reach the high cabinet. Buddy watches his back (and other things) as the Jepoardy music plays again]

Rebel: Nothing there.

Scott: No? It's in there. [motions at cabinet on floor] Could you just get it for me, Sinbad?

[Sinbad bends over at the waist to get to the cabinet. Again, Buddy watches his back.]

Sinbad: It's not here.

Scott: No? Oh, silly me. [reaches down by his feet and pulls up a box of Lucky Charms] Here it is.

[He hands the box to Bruce, who gleefully starts to pour a beer into the box. The trappers laugh at the sight of this, until Jacques's chair collapses, sending him tumbling.]

Dave: [amused] Oh, that beaver!

Scott: [upset] Casdorf! Go to your dam!

[Bruce picks up a boom-box, turns it on and dances off, drinking his beer]

Scott: [tired] Parenting....

[There is a knock at the back door]

[Buddy looks at Pierre who is still trying to sleep. Pierre rolls his eyes and starts to get up.]

Scott: [rolling eyes] I'll get it.... [he moves to the door as Pierre goes back to sleep. Scott looks at him] Are you sure you're Swiss?

[Buddy opens the door. The Queen is there]

Queen: [sadly] Hello, Buddy.

Scott: Liz, what's wrong? You look sensational, like you've just been in a car accident!!!

Queen: [sobbing] I need a friend!

Scott: [hugs the queen] Oh, there there my sovereign..... [We cut to Bruce, hiding and looking at the queen. "Stranger in Paradise" plays in the background]

Bruce: Wow... what a woman.

[Cut back to Buddy and the Queen]

Queen: Oh, Buddy! It's the press... they've destroyed my family. I can't find anymore priv-a-see.

Scott: It's PRY-VA-SEE, dear.

Queen: Thank you... but this.. this is the final straw...

[The Queen holds up the newspaper with the photos of her butt. Buddy hmms and nods]

[Cut to the snowdrifts outside. One of the drifts moves, and turns to revel that it is Mark in a large, snowdrift costume. He pulls out his phone and speed-dials a number]

Mark: Hello? Lanky Dean, here. Yeah... listen. Her Majesty seems to have gone and cloistered herself in some sort of gay and talking animal discoteque in the Canadian territories. Now listen... don't stop the presses, but go do alert the guy who stops the presses that I may be calling upon him to stop the presses VERY soon.... you got that? Right. Ta-ta.

[Dramatic music plays and we hear a wolf howl in the background as we fade out]

[We fade back in on the outside of the cabin]

[Cut to inside the cabin. The Queen lies in a bubble bath, while Buddy sits in a chair looking at the tabloid]

Scott: This isn't your ass!

Queen: It's isn't? Really? Oh. Well, I wouldn't know, you see... I've never actually taken a peek.

Scott: No, trust me girl. I know bums.

[They both hmm as we cut to the fireplace. Jacques and Francois are watching the large block of ice, which has been moved closer to the fire. They have also set up a small cook fire in front of the fire place, which holds a small stew pot and are eating soup.]

Dave: Tell me, Francois. If whatever is in that giant block of ice turns out to be worth a lot of money, what will you do with your share?

Kevin: Well, Jacques... the first thing I do is go into town, find me a woman and then I make love to her.

[Dave chuckles]

Kevin: And then I have my first hot bath in three months.

Dave: A word of advice, Francois.. if you do not mind...Have the bath first THEN make love to the woman.

Kevin: Good idea, Jacques. You always did know how to treat the ladies.

[They both laugh]

Kevin: Tell me Jacques... what will you do with your share of the money?

Dave: Well, you know Francois...I've always wanted to learn how to speak French.

Kevin: You know, that would go well with your accent.

Dave: You think?

[They both laugh as we cut back to Queen and Buddy]

Scott: Listen, we queens have to stick together. Let me tell you a sad but funny story about another queen that I think might prove inspiring. One day, my friend Queen Latiffa went shopping, and the store refused to give her a discount. [sips his drink]

Queen: Yes? And?

Scott: Well, that's it. That's the story.

Queen: Umm..Buddy? I don't see how that applies to me.

Scott: No? Well, you're both celebrities.

Queen: Oh Buddy! Sometimes your kind is so shallow.

Scott: Yours too!

Queen: Touche!

[Cut to Bruce, who is standing in the bathroom door, drinking his beer.]

Bruce: She's beautiful. If she were wood....

[Cut back to Buddy and the Queen]

Scott: Liz, I know just what you need! I'm going exfoliate your back with a loofa sponge!

Queen: Oh, that would be brilliant, Buddy. Thank you. You know, Buddy? Sometimes it seems to me that everyone is having a good time but me.

[Buddy gets up and moves behind the Queen as she speaks and whispers something to the Beaver]

Scott: You're right. What you need is an affair.

Queen: What?!? Buddy! Why, I'm outraged! Are you seriously suggesting that I, Queen Elizabeth II of England, Regent of Tanzania, Empress Petty Petentuary of Upper Saskatchewan , Patroness of the Sydney Reform School for Girls, Godmother of H.M.S. Schefield, and Mayor Honorary of Nalsubu, Nigeria should rut like a common water buffalo in the mud?!?! [pauses] Well, maybe.

[Bruce moves behind the Queen and starts to massage her shoulders]

Queen: Oh Buddy, your wrists are so much stronger than I remember.

Bruce: They say you shouldn't judge a book by it's cover or a man by his coveralls.

Queen: Oh! Why you're not Buddy!

Bruce: No, I'm Casdorf. Buddy's son.

Queen: I didn't know Buddy had a son.

Bruce: Apparently I'm adopted....

Queen: Oh. Then you must feel special because you were chosen. As you know, real children are such a bother...

Bruce: [secily] May I wash you?

Queen: Well, I don't see why not...

[Bruce starts to scrub at the Queen]

Bruce: May I suggest a big horny kiss?

Queen: Do..

[They kiss gently on the lips]

Bruce: No.. like one you give Philip.

Queen: Oh.. if you insist.

[She does two quick "air kisses" as Bruce leans down & gives her a deep passionate kiss]

Queen: Let's have another!

[He gives her another and starts to move down her neck. We cut quickly to a shot of his tail thumping up and down on the floor]

Queen: Oh! Something strange is happening to me down there!!!

[Something is indeed happening down there. It is Mark coming up for air, and trying to get his camera ready. He'd wearing a wetsuit, goggles and a snorkel. The Queen screams]

Mark: (slightly obscured audience laughter) [?Stay covered?], your majesty!

[The Queen keeps screaming as Lanky keeps snapping pictures.]

Mark: Thank you! What do you think the Prince will say?

[She jumps from the tub and throws a robe on, running to the window and throwing it open.]

Bruce: Where are you going? Annie! Come back, I love you!

Mark: One more please? [snaps it] Thank you. [picks up the phone] Hello, Tom? Lanky Dean here. Stop the presses. [pause] Well, which way are you facing? Yeah.. the little red button.. Okay yeah... no, no... no.. Now you've got it going in reverse. I can hear it. No, no.. hit the red button. Press it all the way in. It's not that hard, you daft bird! Come on. Ah Now it's jammed isn't it? I know that whinny sound, you've got it jammed. haven't you? Oh, come on stop it.. all right... now.. right....start from the beginning... Which way are you facing?

[Cut to the woods. Through a couple of quick pans around we see that the Queen is quiet hopeless lost in the middle of the woods as she glances around in panic and we get POV shots of the indistinguishable trees.]

Queen: Oh! I'm [?unintelligible?] lost... [the word "lost" echos, as we cut back to outside Chalet 2000]

[Buddy is now wearing a big brown fur coat, fit for a queen. (Sorry.. bad joke) Sinbad and Rebel have changed as well, now wearing gloves and hats that match their codpieces]

[Buddy reads off a clipboard as he glances around nervously]

Scott: Rope? [Rebel walks past, rope circled around one shoulder]

Scott: [can't tell what he says and can't identify what Sinbad is carrying]

Scott: Karaoke Machine? [Pierre walks past carrying a Karaoke machine]

Scott: Sled? [We cut to see the trappers sitting in the passenger section of a large sled]

Scott: Dog team? [We cut to one dog, who is very small looking. He yawns sadly]

Scott: What do I look like? The Grinch who stole Christmas? Rebel, Sinbad!

[The two turn their heads quickly, with appropriate sound effects. As Buddy glides away wiht a pianos slide fanfare, we cut to a close up of Rebel and Sinbad attaching themselves to the front of the Sled with harnasses, as Scott mounts the driver's post of the sled.]

Scott: Pierre, if Her Majesty comes by while we're gone, keep her busy.

[We hear a whip crack as the trappers laugh and the sled starts to move]

[Cut to: a shot of the sky. We see the sled take flight. It's majestic and magical and not the least bit cheap looking... really! We see the sled move along as Buddy, Jacques and Francoise glance down looking for the missing Queen]

Rebel: [looking back at Sinbad] How ya doing?

Sinbad: Great! Flying turns me on, Rebel!

Rebel: Me too!

Scott: Less talking, more flying! [he cracks his whip]

Rebel and Sinbad: [sarcastic] Oooh.. I'm scared...

[Cut to a clearing in the forest. We see the Queen. A bird is perched on her shoulder]

Queen: [chatting to bird] Well, I suppose all is lost....I haven't been a good queen, I haven't been a good mother. I can't even make a good adulteress. Well, technically it's not adultery, because he IS a beaver after all, not a person... It's as if I had sex with you! [the bird seems to laugh] I know! It's hillarious! [they both laugh]

[We cut back to the sled. Another magic flying sled pulls up along side them. It's is of course, the magic man besides Buddy who invites you to sit on his lap and tell him what you want. That's right! Santa Claus!]

Santa: Buddy? Long time no see! Why don't you return my calls?

Scott: I've been busy!

Santa: We REALLY need to talk!

Scott: La-la-la! I can't hear you. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!

Santa: Very mature Buddy! Very mature!

[Cut back to the Queen]

Queen: Eww.. my stiff upper lip seems to have spread to my face and hands and shoulders. I seem to have a stiff upperbody. [she appears to think] Wave or die! Wave or die! Wave or die![she begins to struggle to do that nice royalty wave] Hello! Hello!

[Cut back to the sled]

Dave: Buddy?

Scott: Yes?

Dave: What does this queen look like again?

Scott: Oh. Just a minute [fumbles around in his pocket, handing a crumpled up $2 bill to Francois] Here. This is her...

Dave: [uncrumpling the bill] She looks like two birds?

Scott: No, the other side.. you moron.

[Francois turns it over to reveal a portrait of the Queen. He and Jacques both laugh at the misunderstanding]

[Cut back to the Queen]

Queen: [singing] Don't it make your blue blood?
Don't it make your blue blood?
Don't it make your blue blood blue?
[she smiles, looking as if she may pass out at any moment] [Cut to Bruce, running around the forest crying out for the Queen]

[Cut back to the sled]

Scott: It's 5 seconds until Night Day! [he starts to do a count down which Jacques and Francois join him in] 5..4..3..2..1.. Night Day!

[Suddenly, we see the sun rise quickly and jump back to the cabin where we see the sunlight fall on the huge block of ice]

[We cut back to the sleigh, where Jacques is having to cover his eyes. Francois looks similarly troubled by the light, but still makes an effort to keep looking.]

Dave: I hate Night Day!

Kevin: [pointing downward] There she is!

[Cut to some stock footage of a bird]

Scott: No, that's not her... THERE SHE IS! [he points down]

[Cut to the woods: Lanky Dean is wandering around. He too has found the clearing where the Queen is, passed out on a drift.]

Mark: Hello... there she is. [kneels with his camera] One last shot, and the royal family's finished up!

[We see a POV shot of the Queen through the camera. Suddenly, a hand covers up our view. Or rather, a paw does. We see the camera spin into the air as Mark screams "NO!" and he comes face to face with a pissed off beaver.]

[Cut back to the sled]

Scott: Hang on, girlfriend!

[The sled goes into a dive bomb, knocking the trappers over in their seats.]

[We cut quickly back to the big block of ice, and can see that it is starting to melt]

[We do another cut back to Chalet 2000, the cabin interior, later. Scott is on the phone, the Queen sits on the Beaver's lap. Pierre is asleep in his chair. Sinbad plays on a small harp as Rebel fixes his hair and everyone looks quite happy and content.]

Scott: Yes, Phillip. I'll tell her you called. [listens and laughs] Oh, that's funny, Yes. Okay, yes.. yes.. I'll keep her out of trouble. Buh-bye, Phil... Buh-bye.. Buh-bye. [hangs up] That's the last time I cover for you!

Queen: There will be no more need of cover ups anymore, Buddy.

Scott: No?

Bruce: No. I took care of that bit.

[Bruce kisses Liz and glances over in the corner where Lanky Dean is tied up. He spits on him]

Mark: Hey! I demand my freedom of the press! [he is slapped by a beaver tail]

Queen: Oh [laughs] How chivalrous.

Scott: Well, you know what assembled gang? There's still one thing that bothers me. If it wasn't Liz's bum in the photograph, then whose was it? I mean who here, stands to profit financially from said photograph?

[Everybody "hmms" and we see a montage of everybody trying to figure it out while that Jeopardy music plays again]

Mark: It was me!

Scott: [nods] Ohhhhhhhhhhh!

Mark: It was me! You couldn't figure that out? [Jacques and Francois shake their heads] What a bunch of daft boogers! But very attractive people if you don't mind my saying.

Scott: Rebel. Sinbad. Take out the garbage!

Mark: I wonder what's going to happen now, eh? Let me guess... in a show full of homo-erotic undertones ending with me, the villian being carted off by two sexually menacing giants. Are you taking me off camera? I wonder why.. I really wonder why? I... [screams]

Scott: He won't bother you anymore, Liz. By the time they get through with him, he won't be able to write his own name.

Queen: Eww... thank you.

Dave: Ah, look! The ice has melted!

[We pan over to the ice to see...... Rip Taylor!!!]

Rip: [holds up a fish with holes in it] Wow! Holy Mackerel! [he tosses the fish to the trappers, who laugh at it]

Scott: Oh no... it's my Uncle Rip. [turns to Rip] What happened to you?

Rip: Don't ever call a witch-doctor a son of a bitch, honey!

Scott: Last time I saw you, you were abroad. (a broad) [looks at camera] Some things never change.

[Quick cut to the trappers, who are still laughing at the Holy Mackrel joke]

Scott: So what are you doing now?

Rip: Me? [does some moves with his hands] I'm doing the backstroke

Queen: Uncle Rip, was it cold in there?

Rip: Cold in there?!?! It was so cold a flasher had to describe himself to me!

Scott: [sighs] It's going to be a long Night Day....

Rip: Fasten your seatbelts...[something unintelligible]

[Scott downs the rest of his drink as we cut outside to the Chalet and fade to commercial. As we pull back, we hear the following dialogue]

Rip: Oh Buddy....Buddy! Have you heard about the new memory pill?

Scott: No, I haven't.

Rip: Oh... what?

Scott: I'd love to hear about it.

Rip: About what?

Scott/Rip: (in unison) The memory pill!

Rip: Oh, the memory pill.... oh yeah!

[We fade back in on Jacques and Francois, eating soup at their cookfire again]

Kevin: Tell me Jacques... do you think that this soup can really bring about world peace?

Dave: No, Francois. It is PEA soup. Not peace soup.

Kevin: Jacques, you won't tell anyone what I thought about the soup, would you?

Dave: Of course not, Francois. [shakes his head] Peace soup.

Kevin: [laughs weakly]

[We fade to the regular end credits]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video