Chad's 13th Birthday

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
[A house in the suburbs. A bunch of kids with party hats on dance in the living room of Chad's house. We see candles being lit on Chad's cake, then Kevin, as his mother, comes into the living room with the cake.]

Kevin: Ta-da!

Bruce: Not yet!

[Bruce and the boy are in a car, driving out into the country.]

Bruce: Better take off that party hat, son. [The boy pulls the hat down so it hangs around his neck.] You're not gonna need it where we're going.

Boy: Okay. Dad, where are we going?

Bruce: You're gonna be a man, little boy.

[Cut to a large rock in the middle of a small field at the side of the road. The car is parked on the shoulder behind them. Bruce and the boy get out of the car and go to a large rock. Bruce stands by the rock with a large bottle in his hand. The boy stands to the left, watching.]

Bruce: Chad, this rock is a big part of the McFullson tradition. For generations, the McFullson men have been coming here on their 13th birthday to enter manhood. You see, there are certain parts about being a man that one just has to experience. So like my father before me, you're going to watch your dad get pathetically drunk.

[Bruce takes a big swig from the bottle and sighs.]

Bruce: Happy birthday, son.

[He keeps drinking. Flash forward to him looking more drunk, giggling a little.]

Bruce: Broke my hand on a pineapple. Didn't even care.

[Flash forward to him even more drunk, making hand gestures and looking determined.]

Bruce: Ten bucks is ten bucks. Twenty bucks is twenty bucks. Thirty...

[Flash to Bruce frantically rubbing two sticks together.]

Bruce: So if you're cold... [he mutters incoherently].

[Flash forward again, looking really unsteady now, doing an odd little front-to-back dance. He makes an odd, high-pitched noise.]

Bruce: But never... [He makes a mechanical, k-chk noise and does a side-to-side dance.]

[Cut to the house. Kevin looks uncomfortable. He looks at two girls.]

Kevin: So, are you two sisters, or...?

[Cut back to Bruce, swaying on his feet.]

Bruce: I wanna peruse your report card.

Boy: I don't have it.

Bruce: I said, Mister, I want your report card.

[Flash forward again.]

Bruce: So if you do acid, wait an hour before you go swimming, okay?

[Flash forward. Bruce is waving his arms around and keeps leaning back on the rock so he doesn't fall over.]

Bruce: Oatmeal? Raisins? Oranges? Tropical fruits of all kinds?

[Flash forward. Bruce leans heavily on the rock, his face almost touching it, as he puts his finger on a small groove a few inches in front of his face.]

Bruce: That's, that's where my old man puked.

[The boy looks disgusted.]

[Flash to Bruce half-singing and attempting to dance.]

Bruce: Everybody's got a job to do, everybody's gotta move and groove.

[Flash forward.]

Bruce: I'm cold, Chad. I'm not spiritually cold. Daddy's cold.

[Flash forward.]

Bruce: [yelling] Mr. Busdriver!

[Cut back to the living room. Kevin is dancing in the center of the room, trying to get the kids to join in.]

Kevin: Everybody with the groove.

[Cut back to Bruce. He stands on top of the rock and howls like a wolf. Cut to Bruce lying curled up in the fetal position on the ground next to the rock. He holds a finger under his watchband as if he's checking his pulse.]

Bruce: So then, they loaded up the truck, and they moved to Beverly.

Boy: Wasn't that a long time ago?

[Cut to Bruce, standing unsteadily. He throws the empty bottle on the ground.]

Bruce: Leave me!

[He throws a set of keys to the boy.]

Bruce: Leave me. I just need some sleep.

[We see the car pull away. The boy is behind the wheel. Cut to the living room, where Kevin is reading horoscopes from the newspaper.]

Kevin: So, no one here's a Libra?

Kids: No.

Kevin: Well, I'll read it anyway. You want to be liked, but not at the cost of self-rule.

[The boy enters.]

Kids: Chad!

[Kevin turns to look at the boy.]

Kevin: Chad.

[The boy goes to stand by Kevin, and Kevin puts his arm around him.]

Kevin: So, do you feel any older?

Boy: Yeah, a lot older.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video