Not an Experienced Cannibal

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (
Cast: [Scene: A courtroom with jury of extras in background]

Kevin: [approaching witness stand] Mr. Lucic, do you still maintain that your actions concerning Flight 138 are somehow justified?

Dave: [intensely] What would you have done? None of you can understand because none of you were there. You don't think about what's right and wrong when you're just trying to survive. Right and wrong, those are just words... they don't mean anything! When you look around at you and all you can see is death! And all you can feel is the hunger. What would you have done?

Kevin: [removing glasses] We're not talking about a plane crash in the Andes here, sir. You never got off the runway. We are talking about a delay! You are the sole survivor of a 35 minute delay!

Dave:[sobbing a bit] 35 minutes I will never forget!

Kevin: You ate 112 of your fellow passangers. You could have eaten just one, but no, you ate a little bit of each passagner.. WHY?!?

Dave: [turing to Judge]Your honor, I am not an experienced cannibal! I did not get on that plain expecting to eat ANYONE! I simply tasted a little of each in the hopes that the next one would taste better! I'm sure your honor has done the same thing with a box of chocolates.

Scott: No, I haven't. My wife does and I hate it when she does that!

Dave: [off camera] Oh.

Scott: I suppose I wouldn't mind so much if I still loved her, but let's face it.... I NEED SOME TIME TO MYSELF!!! [breaks down crying and bangs his gavel] Case dismissed.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video