Buddy: Cemetery

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Meghan (ERADICAT0R101@aol.com)
[Camera pans down a statue which reveals a grave stone with a martini on it. Buddy Cole is seen kneeling by a grave stone, wearing a vampire-like outfit.]

Scott: You startled me. [turns towards grave and places a handkerchief on it] It's not everyday an audience sneaks up on me, [stands up] in the middle of a cemetery, just as I'm about to deliver a humorous monologue [sits on bench] I was just visiting with a friend of mine, who recently passed on to that great disco upstairs. His name was Charles Hammond. Not these organ people, these organ people. [makes a gesture with his hand] Charles was...now, how do I put this without spooking the horses? He was a leather slut. He was one of those faggots that made respectable gays so uncomfortable. "Buddy," he'd say, "the world's so full of crap, why bother wiping your ass." We both believe respectability is for five star hotels, not people. Although you will find me in the Michelin Guide. Charles was a, sexual courier dubois, whereas I'm more of a Blanche Dubois. [shot shows Charles' grave which is decking in leather gear]

He was very handy. He made all of his own S&M gear and even tapped his own rubber, all on a waiter's salary, which is nothing after taxes and drugs. He once made a cock ring out of aluminum foil from cigarette packs, for heaven's sake! Of course it played havoc with his tricks filling. And at night, when his antenna was up, and there were no clouds, he could pick up radio stations as far away as Amarillo, Texas! Well, you've got to listen to *something* when you're down there!

Charles, *cared* about the people who filiated him. He was also a trained blacksmith, so his slaves always had fabulous shoes. He was almost completely blind, and very vain, so he wouldn't wear glasses, and he couldn't wear contacts because he had a severe case of a stigmatism. So when he went out cruising he was, flying blind as it were. I don't think he ever covered from the night he dragged home his brother from a bar. His brother really should have said something.

Near the end of his life he became very religious. He claimed to have found, biblical support for bondage. Yeah, like every second page! He claimed he would beat this thing, and in a way he did. He got hit by a bus on his way to the clinic. It took the emergency crew, two hours to pry his mustache off the grill. [reaches into cape and takes out mustache] This is it. [holds it to his chest] Isn't it a beauty? [holds it to his face] What do ya think, hmm? [lifts eyebrow then takes mustache off] He left it to me in his will because I admired it so much. I would have preferred a cat but, a pets a pet. [puts mustache away and turns to grave stone] Goodnight sweet prince, maybe it's better this way, I don't think you could handle what's going on. Get this, fags are becoming respectable. [stands up] Well, some of them are. [holds cape out, hisses, and exits]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video