Kathie Becomes a Booster

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
[Bruce as Kathie at desk in a Blue Jays sweatshirt, earrings, etc.]

Bruce:Woo. He He. Wee! Ha. Maybe I should explain. I've become a booster. I never wanted or expected myself to become a booster. But there's certain things a gal has not control over like aging, shoe size, and if her answering machine is full or not. Ha ha.

Now, around the beginning of spring, which is still my favorite month despite the fact that I can't wear yellow, I was home watching t.v.--playing the food game with myself. Which is: what food would I have if I could, but I can't, so I won't. But, if I could, what would I eat? You know stuff like spare ribs, french fries, and treats of the Gods known as Allman Bark. And as I sat there not having food that I would if I could, but I can't so I won't...and there they were: the boys. [holds up a team photo of the Blue Jays] The Toronto Blue Jays. Sitting in the dugout, happy chirpy birds on their sweaters...big bats! Spitting, sweating...big bats!

So, I went to a game. I bought a pennent, a foam cheering hand, and a blue plastic noise maker that made an old man's teeth fall out. [giggles, picks up the noise makes and shakes it] Ah!! Go Jays, go! I had come out of the closet; I was a booster. I'd leave work early to go to the game. People thought I was seeing someone, but it was the crack of the bat, the sure pop-up, the hit-and-run with the left-hander on the mound, that drew me in, swallowed me, massaged my feet...un-did my bra. And all over my body I felt the thunder. Go Jays, go Jays, go Jays, go!

And just as the Blue Jays became my constant...companion, my favorite of all of them, Kelly Gruber...You know: blond, dignified Adam's apple, big bat!...Well, Kelly fell into a slump. And I understood, because around the same time I feel into a work slump. I couldn't type more than thirty words a minute for weeks on end. I'd go to file something and accidentally throw it out the window! So, like Kelly, I tried to get back to the basics. I studied my typing techniques and the home-row position. But, no matter how hard I tried, my hands still felt like lead. And then one day, I came to work and I could type six, eight, nine-hundred words a minute! I typed like I never typed before. And that night, Kelly Gruber hit a solid single. And I realized that I, too, was a solid single. And slumps may come and slumps may go, but you know gals, you just gotta show up and give a hundred and ten percent. And now every night I mutter the manter of the single women: go Jays, go Jays, go Jays, go! Good luck with you big bats.

[scene cuts to a still shot of Kelly Gruber in the field. Under the photo it says: Kelly Gruber, Blue Jay from April 1984 to Oct. 1992. GOOD LUCK AND THANK YOU.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video