Art Collector

Transcribed from: "Best of" tape
Transcribed by: Andrew Bridgman
Cast: [Mark and Bruce walk in to a room with "art" on the walls. There are two chairs in the center of the room]

Mark: Well, uh, here we are in the, uh, "Drawing Room." Uh, this is where I, uh, keep my treasures, as you can see.

Bruce: Wow, this is a great art collection.

Mark: Aye, yes, well thank you very much. Uh, I've been collecting some years, ya know. It's a modest collection, anyway. Something to put away for the kids, ya know.

Bruce: [pointing at a painting] That is one of my favorite pieces!

[Camera reveals a painting similar to "Dogs Playing Poker," but the dogs are playing pool.]

Mark: Really?

Bruce: It's a real breakthrough.

Mark: Aye, aye yes. I mean, the level of talent is quite frightening, isn't it? Ya know, I often wonder how you artistic types get your ideas, ya know.

[Bruce modestly shrugs]

Bruce: Well-

Mark: Well, I mean, think of it: This guy goes into a bar somewhere, ya know, and he's watching some guys play pool. And the next thing ya know, he's painting dogs playing pool! I mean, that's a gift.

Bruce: And dogs can't even play pool!

Mark: I know! I know! To think of that one goes against all the laws of nature.

Bruce: That's art.

Mark: Aye.

Bruce: [slowly] That'

Mark: Aye, tell me what you think of this one. [Mark points to a painting of a sad clown.]

Bruce: That's a stunning piece.

Mark: I know, I know! It's quite moving, isn't it? It's "The Crying Clown." I mean, to think of it, ya know. A clown, you know, who'd normally you'd expect to be the happiest little camper in the world, and he's found underneath, to be in his soul, unhappy!

Bruce: You know, I've learned that people who seem happy, often are unhappy!

Mark: Aye yes, that's a revelation.

Bruce: This is a wonderful art collection.

Mark: Oh well, ya know, I mean some of its probably junk, but uh-

Bruce: Come on.

Mark: Well, ya know, I think I've been astute in my selections.

Bruce: Yes. You know, I would be honored to have one of my pieces hang here.

Mark: Well let's take a lot at one of your paintings then, shall we?

Bruce: Okay.

Mark: Okay.

[Bruce leads Mark across the room to a painting covered by a drape on an easel.]

[Mark removes the drape, revealing a velvet painting of Elvis singing]

Mark: Aye, aye yes. That's a very good Elvis.

Bruce: Thank you, it took a lot of time. Uh, almost three hours. And I used a lot of paint.

Mark: Oh, did ya? Oh yes, oh yes. [Mark picks up the painting and examines it.] I can see the paint is quite thick. And, oh, the frame's from Mexico!

Bruce: Yes, yes.

Mark: That might add a little value. [Mark puts the painting back on the easel] Well, I suppose we should talk business business, eh?

Bruce: I'm prepared.

Mark: Alright. Well, how much do you want for your painting?

Bruce: 8 dollars.

Mark: 8 dollars? Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, puppy, puppy, no, no, no. Ah, to tell you the truth, that's a little bit more than I was thinking about spending.

Bruce: Well, I am interested in listening to a counter offer.

Mark: Eh? How's 4 dollars?

[Bruce shrugs]

Bruce: See, its just that the frame and the paint cost me 6, so I'd be...

Mark: Aye, oh. Eh, tell me. Did ya know Elvis.

Bruce: No, but I've been to Graceland.

Mark: Have ya really?

Bruce: Ya know it's quite small.

Mark: Really?

Bruce: Yes.

Mark: Ey, uh, I hear he died in a bathtub, eh?

Bruce: That is the sad truth.

Mark: Eh? 7 dollars.

Bruce: Sold!

Mark: Aye! Ya got yourself a deal at 7 dollars! Great for ya. [They shake hands] Now, c'mon, let's seal this with the drape before someone steals it away from me. [Mark covers the painting]

[They sit down in the chairs]

Mark: There ya go. [Mark picks up a bottle of wine]

Bruce: Mateus!

Mark: Oh! Are you familiar with this wine?

Bruce: Some say a little too familiar.

[Mark pours two glasses]

Mark: Haha! You artsy types these days. [gives Bruce a glass] There ya go. To a great painting! [They toast] It's made me as happy as a circus seal balancing a beach ball on its nose.

Bruce: Cheers.

[camera moves across the room to a painting of a circus seal balancing a beach ball on its nose]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video