Poor Attempt at an Affair

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Marie (Ree) Panepinto
Cast: [Kevin is getting on a plane and Dave is staying in the airport.]

Kevin: ..airport Louise. Bye.

[Kevin kisses Dave.]

Dave: Bye Paul.

Kevin: I'll miss you.

Dave: Have a great flight to London.

[He starts to go.]

Kevin: I will, I will.

Dave: I'm gonna miss you.

Kevin: I'll miss you. Don't forget to feed the cat.

Dave: I won't.

Kevin: I'll miss you.

Dave: I'm gonna miss you.

[Kevin goes down the ramp but is heard off screen.]

Kevin (O.S.): I'm missing you!

[Dave sighs.]

[Cut to inside the plane. Kevin is sitting down reading a magazine. Dave and the guy walk in.]

Dave: I can't believe we're gonna have a whole week together in London. I'm so looking forward to this.

Kevin: Louise!

Dave: Paul! What are you doing here?

Kevin: What the hell are you talkin about? I'm on my way to London, you just said goodbye to me.

Dave: Oh yeah...

Kevin: Tell me something, are you having an affair, yes or no?

Dave: NO!-ish...

Kevin: I have two things to say to you. A) [starts to cry] I am so hurt! And B) [stops crying] I can't believe how bad you are at cheating!

Dave: Look, I wanna split up, OK?

Kevin: Oh we're split up all right! We were split up the second you walked in with Mr.--Blondhead!

Dave: Paul, there's no need to be cruel!

Kevin: Well what's his name then?

Man: Greg; Greg Blondhead.

Dave: But it is spelled differently Paul!

Kevin: [cries] I can't believe you're doing this--[stops crying] so badly! You knew I was on this flight!

Dave: Well I figured it was a big plane.

Kevin: A big plane, a big plane!

[Scott, the pilot, is walking through.]

Scott: Thank you.

Kevin: I can't believe you're going to the same city as me, much on the same flight. Show me your tickets.

[Kevin grabs Dave's, but the guy seems a little reluctant.]

Kevin: Gimmie it, Blondhead! 17A and 17C. I'm 17B, I would have figured it out.

Dave: Well we're all geniuses in hindsight.

Kevin: [all squeaky and Kevin-like.] You're not, you're not!

Dave: Paul, clearly the mature thing to do, is for you to take the window seat.

Kevin: Allright. [He spastically takes off his seatbelt and moves over.] Actually there is precident for this...like the time you called in sick from your desk at work.

[Dave and the guy start making out.]

Kevin: This would have to be a seven hour flight.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video