Confusing Names

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
[Scott knocks on the door of a doctor's office, then opens the door and peeks in.]

Scott: Hello, Dr. Banning?

[Dave sits at his desk, looking at the contents of a manilla folder.]

Dave: Mr. Fanning, please, have a seat.

[Scott enters and sits down.

Dave: Well, the test results are back.

Scott: And?

Dave: Afraid it's cancer. A brain tumor. Terminal.

Scott: How long?

Dave: A month at the most.

Scott: I've got a month to live. I'm going to die?

Dave: Not you! Me! I'm talking about my test results! God, you patients are all the same! It's always "how am I doing?" Well y'know, I get test results too! I can't believe I'm gonna die!

Scott: Oh. Well, what about my test results?

Dave: Oh, you've got an ulcer!

Scott: Oh, yay! Oh wow!

[Scott stands up and heads toward the door.]

Dave: Hey, wait a minute!

Scott: What?

Dave: These files are mixed up!

Scott: What?

[Scott goes back over in front of Dave's desk.]

Dave: Why - Fanning must've gotten in the Banning file, that's you! You've got cancer!

Scott: What?

[Scott grabs the file and sits down to look at it.]

Scott: I've got a month to live.

Dave: Yeah, isn't it great! Now I know how to handle this! Well, Mr. Fanning, I've got some terrible news.

Scott: I know.

Dave: Isn't it terrific! What a relief, I'm gonna live!

Scott: Wait, wait, doctor, doctor!

Dave: What?

Scott: It says Fanning here, but inside it's the Manning chart!

Dave: You're right, it does say Manning.

Scott: So I'm not gonna die?

Dave: No, Manning is.

[They both high-five across the desk, and laugh until the intercom beeps.]

Woman: Excuse me, doctor, Mr. Manning is here to see you.

[Dave and Scott giggle.]

Dave: Send him in, nurse.

Scott: D'you mind?

Dave: No, stay.

[Scott goes over in the corner and leans against a table. Brian Hartt comes in the door.]

Dave: [trying hard not to laugh] Mr. Manning.

Brian: Hi.

[Dave and Scott start giggling uncontrolably. Brian looks at both of them.]

Brian: What?

Dave: [still giggling] Have a seat!


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video