Anal Probing Aliens

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (
Cast: [Scene: An alien spaceship above the Earth. A laboratory/examining room]

Mark: Why does everything always happen to me?

[We see Mark on a table, with two strange white "lights" folded down near his head. A sequined blanket is draped over him, and he lies down with his knees curled up into his chest. We see two aliens stand around him. One alien holds a strange device that looks kind of like a lightsaber, but with a solid white plastic piece where the beam would be.]

Kevin: Ready the anal probe.

[Dave switches the device on as it begins to glow. It looks like a lightsaber with a small white beam]

Dave: Anal probe is ready.

Kevin: [nods] Commence anal probing.

[Mark screams loud and long as Dave sticks it where the sun don't shine. He pulls it out, after two seconds and pulls off the white plastic part [to sterilize it?]

Dave: Quick, erase his memory!

[Kevin waves a hand over Mark as the two lighted "paddles" come up. Mark stops yelling and gets a calm look on his face]

Kevin: Memory's erased. Get him out of here.

[Two other aliens come and start to wheel Mark off]

Dave: Move it. [pauses as he moves closer to Kevin] Ah, boy.

Kevin: Something wrong?

Dave: Ah.. it's nothing really....

Kevin: I think you could use a cup of coffee.

Dave: Yeah. [sighs]

[They move to a lounge where Kevin pours two cups of coffee. They keep talking as Dave sits down]

Kevin: So what's bothering you?

Dave: Ahhhh.... Lately I just keep wondering... what's the point?

Kevin: The point?

Dave: Yeah. What's the point of what we do?

Kevin: Sorry, I don't follow you

[Kevin sits down]

Dave: Well, I mean, we travel 250,000 light years across the universe, abduct humans, probe the anally and release them.

Kevin: Yeah... AND?

Dave: Well, doesn't it seem kind of point-LESS?

Kevin: I really don't think about it.

Dave: Well don't you think you should?

Kevin: No, I don't think I should. I don't think I should question the leadership of our Great Leader

Dave: Oh, come on! I mean, we've been coming here for 50 years and performing anal probes and all that we have learned is that 1 in10 doesn't really seem to mind.

Kevin: Well, do you have a better plan than our Great Leader?

Dave: Yes I do, I do have a better plan. My plan is that we DON'T travel 250,000 light years, we DON'T abduct any humans and, this is the best part, we DON'T do any anal probing.

Kevin: [sarcastic] Oh, great plan! Do you realize how many people Intergalactic Anal-Probing employees?

[They see that the next victim is ready. They put down the coffee and do the same motions as before, except Dave is very reluctant this time.]

Kevin: Well back to work.

Dave: Awww..

Kevin: Ready the anal probe.

Dave: [unenthusiastic]Anal probe is ready.

Kevin: Commence anal probing

Dave:[rolling eyes, exasperated] Couldn't we at least abduct their political or religious leaders instead of just any idiot in a pickup truck?!?!

Kevin: I'm sure the Great Leader has his reasons

Dave: [sarcastic] Well, I'm sure the Great Leader is just some sort of twisted ass freak!

Kevin: [calmly] All right. I am now officially ignoring you. Commence anal probing.

[Dave inserts the probe. This victim doesn't scream. Rather, he smiles and looks happy.]

Dave: Well, that's a relief anyway. Erase his memory.

Kevin [going through motions] Memory is erased.

Dave: Get him out of here.

Kevin: [to interns wheeling victim out.] Come on, kid. Move it. Move it!

[They move to the window and look out on the moon and the Earth]

Kevin: You know what you need? A hobby. I know it helps me.

Dave: Yeah? What do you do?

Kevin: Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I'm a pretty good amateur rectal photographer. Would you like to see my portfolio?

Dave: No. I would hate to.

Kevin: Fine. Screw you.

Dave: Well, Screw you.

[Kevin moves off, leaving Dave staring at the Earth]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video