Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (email@example.com)
[Scene: An alien spaceship above the Earth. A laboratory/examining room]
- Dave- Anal-Prober
- Kevin- Memory-Eraser
- Mark- Redneck Anal Probe Victim
- Luc Casmeri- Willing Anal Probe Victim
Mark: Why does everything always happen to me?
[We see Mark on a table, with two strange white "lights" folded down near his head. A sequined blanket is draped over him, and he lies down with his knees curled up into his chest. We see two aliens stand around him. One alien holds a strange device that looks kind of like a lightsaber, but with a solid white plastic piece where the beam would be.]
Kevin: Ready the anal probe.
[Dave switches the device on as it begins to glow. It looks like a lightsaber with a small white beam]
Dave: Anal probe is ready.
Kevin: [nods] Commence anal probing.
[Mark screams loud and long as Dave sticks it where the sun don't shine. He pulls it out, after two seconds and pulls off the white plastic part [to sterilize it?]
Dave: Quick, erase his memory!
[Kevin waves a hand over Mark as the two lighted "paddles" come up. Mark stops yelling and gets a calm look on his face]
Kevin: Memory's erased. Get him out of here.
[Two other aliens come and start to wheel Mark off]
Dave: Move it. [pauses as he moves closer to Kevin] Ah, boy.
Kevin: Something wrong?
Dave: Ah.. it's nothing really....
Kevin: I think you could use a cup of coffee.
Dave: Yeah. [sighs]
[They move to a lounge where Kevin pours two cups of coffee. They keep talking as Dave sits down]
Kevin: So what's bothering you?
Dave: Ahhhh.... Lately I just keep wondering... what's the point?
Kevin: The point?
Dave: Yeah. What's the point of what we do?
Kevin: Sorry, I don't follow you
[Kevin sits down]
Dave: Well, I mean, we travel 250,000 light years across the universe, abduct humans, probe the anally and release them.
Kevin: Yeah... AND?
Dave: Well, doesn't it seem kind of point-LESS?
Kevin: I really don't think about it.
Dave: Well don't you think you should?
Kevin: No, I don't think I should. I don't think I should question the leadership of our Great Leader
Dave: Oh, come on! I mean, we've been coming here for 50 years and performing anal probes and all that we have learned is that 1 in10 doesn't really seem to mind.
Kevin: Well, do you have a better plan than our Great Leader?
Dave: Yes I do, I do have a better plan. My plan is that we DON'T travel 250,000 light years, we DON'T abduct any humans and, this is the best part, we DON'T do any anal probing.
Kevin: [sarcastic] Oh, great plan! Do you realize how many people Intergalactic Anal-Probing employees?
[They see that the next victim is ready. They put down the coffee and do the same motions as before, except Dave is very reluctant this time.]
Kevin: Well back to work.
Kevin: Ready the anal probe.
Dave: [unenthusiastic]Anal probe is ready.
Kevin: Commence anal probing
Dave:[rolling eyes, exasperated] Couldn't we at least abduct their political or religious leaders instead of just any idiot in a pickup truck?!?!
Kevin: I'm sure the Great Leader has his reasons
Dave: [sarcastic] Well, I'm sure the Great Leader is just some sort of twisted ass freak!
Kevin: [calmly] All right. I am now officially ignoring you. Commence anal probing.
[Dave inserts the probe. This victim doesn't scream. Rather, he smiles and looks happy.]
Dave: Well, that's a relief anyway. Erase his memory.
Kevin [going through motions] Memory is erased.
Dave: Get him out of here.
Kevin: [to interns wheeling victim out.] Come on, kid. Move it. Move it!
[They move to the window and look out on the moon and the Earth]
Kevin: You know what you need? A hobby. I know it helps me.
Dave: Yeah? What do you do?
Kevin: Well, I don't like to toot my own horn, but I'm a pretty good amateur rectal photographer. Would you like to see my portfolio?
Dave: No. I would hate to.
Kevin: Fine. Screw you.
Dave: Well, Screw you.
[Kevin moves off, leaving Dave staring at the Earth]