McDonalds/Airport Movies

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:

[Kevin is on empty stage with break away brick wall behind him.]

Kevin: Hi. I'm Kevin Hamilton McDonald, and I'm about to stun you with a remarkable set of fact. Years ago, people discovered the astonishing similarities between John F. Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln. Well, I, too, have made another eerie discovery--the astonishing similarities between my family, the McDonalds [picture flashes on screen of Kevin, his sister, and his mom and dad] and...the Airport movie series, starring such wonderful actors as Dean Martin, Burt Lancaster, and Charlton Heston.

Fact one: In the movie "Airport" the lead character is a salesman who decides to blow up the plane he is on so his wife can collect the insurance money. In the McDonald family, my father was a salesman. [SALESMAN flashes on screen] Coincedence!?

Fact two: "Airport '75." In 1975, a sequel to the movie "Airport" is released starring Karen Black. In 1975, my mother dyes her! [BLACK flashes on screen] Coincedence!?

Fact three: "Airport '77," a movie in which a large jumbo jet is trapped underwater. In 1977, I failed my superfish swimming test, because I can't hold my breath ten seconds underwater. I am also fat and therefore cruely nicknamed "Jumbo." [JUMBO UNDERWATER flashes on screen.] Coincedence!?

Fact four! "Airport '79"! A story of a bitter millionaire who sends a nuclear missile into space! ... Hey! What's? ... [brick wall falls on top of Kevin knocking him onto the floor.] I'm trapped! I'm trapped!

[Cut to control room.]

Man: Oh, sweet Jesus! The scene has crashed! I repeat, the scene has crashed! We need to get some help down there.

[Cut back. Scott enters through hole in wall.]

Scott: Hang on Mr. McDonald. We're comin' for ya. Uh! Ah. Come on; get up. Don't give up.

[Kevin gets up.]

Kevin: Hey! Chuck Heston! Coincedence?

Scott: No, it's a madhouse!! A! Mad! House!!

[Scott laughes hysterically while Kevin looks uncomfortable.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video