Yacky Kid

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Tlyco@aol.com
Cast: [Bruce and Kevin are waiting on line. Mark is reading a paper while seated on a bench. Dave is on line, behind Kevin. Bruce's baby babbles softly throughout the entire scene.]

Kevin: You've got a yacky kid there.

Bruce: I beg your pardon.

Kevin: Your kid--it yacks a lot. You've got a yacky kid, lady. Yackety yack yack. It hasn't shut up since I got here. It's an annoying little chatterbox. Don't you have a soother or a log you could stick into it's mouth so it would shut up?

Bruce: Well, I never.

Kevin: But ya did. That's the problem. If you never, then the kid wouldn't be here. But you did, so you gave birth to the human phenomena known as the kid that never shuts up. Come one! Come all! Come see the noisy freak child that hasn't shut up since birth!

Bruce: Stop it.

Kevin: Have you ever thought of punishment? What you could do is grab the kid by the ankles and dunk his head in the toilet. Do that a few times and the kid will shut up, I promise you.

Dave: Excuse me, I think you're being very rude to that young lady.

Kevin: Are you a king?

Dave: What?

Kevin: Are you a king of a country or some kind of baby expert?

Dave: [reserved] No.

Kevin: Then shut up, you fruitcake!

[Dave looks deeply hurt and runs away.]

Kevin: Listen to it. I mean, if it were my child I would have silenced it by now. The kid would be in his crib at night, yackin' away, and then I'd creep into his room, grab a pillow, and blagh! And then there'd be this beautiful moment of silence. Then the phone would ring. And, the voice on the other line would say, "Thank you. Thank you for silencing that yacky kid." And that voice would be the mayor of this city.

[Mark comes up to Kevin and whacks him with the newspaper.]

Mark: Peter, I'm leaving you.

Kevin: But why?!

Mark: I'm not going to let you be the father to my child.

Kevin: What? I'd be a great dad. . .only my kid would never be a yacker.

Mark: Forget it! [leaves]

Kevin: Women are insane!

[Bruce takes a very deliberate step forward, away from Kevin.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video