Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (email@example.com)
[Setting. Inside a church: It is decorated for a wedding and we see some guests walk in]
- Bruce- Sue (Short Alley Fight Guy)
- Mark- Charice, Short Guy's Girlfriend
- Kevin- Short Guy's, Letter-Jacket Clad Sidekick
- Scott- Maid of Honor
- Dave- Priest
- Man- Tax Consultant
- Old Man- Uncle Kelly, an old salty seaman
[Enter Bruce and Kevin]
[Bruce has disorderly curly hair, a moustache and is wearing blue jeans with a pink frilly shirt, which is open to the chest along with a bow tie and a white tuxedo jacket. Kevin is wearing a letter jacket, which has a carnation in the pocket, glasses and he is holding a Big-Gulp glass which he drinks from throughout.]
Bruce: [nervously] It's a big step.
Kevin: I could lose the ring.
Bruce: No good buddy. I'm a big man. I've got to take the big step.
Kevin: Or I could lose the ring.
Bruce: Nope. Today I leave. [looks over and waves] Hey baby! You look great, hi!
[Cut to Mark and Scott- Mark is wearing a white wedding dress and would look very clean and virginal, if it weren't for the pappose holding a baby that was slung around her front. Scott is a blond woman with frizzy permed hair and is clad in a hideous pink dress that could only belong to one of two people: a bridesmaid or a drag queen.]
Mark: Ah Geez.. you're not supposed to see me yet, ya earlock!
Bruce: Oops. Sorry baby.
Kevin: SURE you don't want me to swallow it?
Bruce: No. For I have pledged a band of gold.
[Enter Dave, who pushes past Bruce]
Dave: Excuse me.
Bruce: [suddenly angry] Hey, what's your problem?!?! Haven't ya ever seen a guy in a tux before? You want your face kicked in?
Mark:[moving over to Bruce] Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Come on, now. You know the rules. No fighting! [Turns to Dave] And no midget tossing! [sweetly] It's my day!
Bruce: Sorry, darling. [Suddenly indignant] Midget Tossing! You think my family is small?!?! You think we all weigh 80 pounds?!?!
[We cut to the groom's side, where we can see a old man strike a fighting stance and try to move to the front. He is held back by the rest of the family.]
Mark: Nah, I don't, baby. They're practically giants, like you!
[Bruce hugs Mark as Dave turns on a tape player which plays "The Wedding March"]
Kevin: It's showtime!
[Kevin, Scott, Mark and Bruce move into their places before Dave]
Dave: Dearly beloved.... we are gathered here today to..... there's no smoking. [Dave looks at Mark, who is smoking]
Mark: Why not? This is my day, you frig.
[Dave contiues to look at Mark, very unhappily until she obligingly drops the cigarette and stomps it out. This does little to improve Dave's mood. He looks like he would much rather be doing something else... like a chior boy.]
Dave: [sighs and continues] We are gathered here today to join these two people, Sue..
[Dave motions to Bruce who does an Aresnio Hall style "whoop" motion with his arm as several men in the back cheer and grunt approval.]
Dave: And Charice....
[Mark and Scott cheer, as do most of the women in the crowd]
Dave: ... In Holy Wedlock. Is there anyone here today that has reason these two should not be wed?
Bruce: Yeah! I have a reason!
[The crowd gasps]
Mark: Oh yeah? What is that?
Bruce: She's not a virgin!
Mark: Well, whadaya think stupid? We have a baby!
Bruce: So you readily admit you're not gonna be a virgin flower on our wedding night?!
Mark: I told you, precious. I already gave away that special gift at a kegger in Grade 8. C'mon!
Bruce: Oh, I remember now. Okay... [pauses] But how do I know that baby is even mine?!?!
Scott: Well, he's got your hamster hands.
Mark: [nods] It weighed 14 ounces at birth and had to live in an inccubator for four months!
Bruce: [suddenly going to affectionate] My baby! [hugs Mark] My namesake! [kisses baby] I'm sorry, baby!
Dave: Does anybody else have a reason why these two should not be wed.
Mark: I do! [to Bruce] You're drunk!
Bruce: Baby, I had 5 or 6 shooters to settle my nerves!
Man: [stands] I have a reason. I'm a tax consultant. And financially it will cost you two both $800 a year off your taxable income.
Bruce: Nobody ever told me that!
Dave: Anybody else?
Old Man: (he is dressed like an old salt seaman) [stands] Yeah! The Seas are all dried up. Man can't make a living fishing anymore!
Bruce: Uncle Kelly is right!
Dave: Anybody else?
Scott: Well, I do. [Mark turns to Scott, upset] Well, there is that really long list of guys you said you'd rather marry. Alphabetically, Antonio, Anastosio, all those guys at AA Towing.....
[Scott and Mark begin to yell at each other as Dave asks for quiet]
Dave: Hold it! Let's see if I can't put this another way. Is there anyone here who has a reason that these two SHOULD be married?
[The crowd mutters no as Dave turns around to leave]
Mark: Wait, I've got a reason! [Dave turns] Cause it was meant to be! Cupid hit us bad.
[The crowd awws]
Bruce: Oh, my little unwed flower! [hugs Mark]
Mark: C'mon! Let's give our baby a name!
Bruce: I will! I'm just having trouble thinking one up.. Let's get married first.
[The crowd applauds]
Dave: Okay... Blah Blah Blah. I now pronounce you man and wife.
Bruce: [angry again] AA Towing? I just heard it, AA Towing? That's where Stan works, right?
Mark: C'mon baby! I told you that time that we just drove-and-towed!
Bruce: I want a divorce!
Bruce: Swallow the ring!
Kevin: Gerenimo! [he finally swallows the ring and washes it down, sucking liquid from his cup from a straw]
Dave: Does anybody have a reason that these two should not be divorced?
Dave: Then I pronounce you NOT man and wife.
Mark: [sobs onto Scott's shoulder]
Bruce: Oh, baby! You know I love it when you cry!
Mark: [looks up] You know I love it when you love.
Bruce: Let's get married! [falls to his knee and takes Mark's hand]
Mark: [to Scott] My god, can you believe he's asking me? I don't know what to say!
Scott: Well, you ARE in a wedding dress.
Mark: I know, but I'm a divorced woman now. [sobs] I'M USED GOODS!
Man: Statistically, second marriages work a lot better than first marriages.
Bruce: Did you hear him, baby? It was meant to be! Let's giv 'er!
Mark: Giv 'er? God, you're so romantic!
Dave: Okay. I now pronounce you man and wife.... AGAIN.
Kevin: [slyly to Bruce] I'll get you the ring later.
Dave: You may, and it's your choice, kiss the bride.
[Everybody cheers and starts to throw rice]
Bruce: Hey baby! It's an attack! I'll defend....
Mark: It's just rice, stupid! [grins to the crowd] Okay, girls. Come on! Everyone together.
[Mark tosses it. It hits the ground. Nobody moves to pick it up]
Mark: What? No one wants my boquet? Somebody better pick up that boquet!