You've Gained Weight

Transcribed from: CBC
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Kevin is sitting in a restaurant alone when Dave enters.]

Dave: Oh, Miriam!

Kevin: Laura. Oh my God, you look fabulous!

Dave: Oh, thank you.

Kevin: Oh, you've gained weight since the last time I saw you, haven't you?

Dave: Gosh, I, I don't know Miriam, when was the last time I saw you?

Kevin: Six years ago.

Dave: Oh my God, has it really been six years?

Kevin: Yes, and you've gained what? 10, 11 pounds?

Dave: I don't know, Miriam, I really, I really can't remember what I weighed six years ago.

Kevin: 125, I thought you weighed more, but you said 125.

Dave: Then yes, yes I have put on a few pounds since then.

Kevin: Well, you look fabulous anyway. What do you weigh 135, 140?

Dave: Miriam!

Kevin: 145?

Dave: Miriam, I'm not going to tell you!

Kevin: 150? Oh my God, you weigh over 150, don't you!

Dave: Miriam, could we just change the subject! I mean, we haven't seen each other in six years, we have so much catching up to do.

Kevin: I'm sorry, you're right. So, how do you think I look?

Dave: Fabulous, you look... I just so good to see you again.

Kevin: And how much do you think I weigh.

Dave: I don't care Miriam.

Kevin: Come on, guess.

Dave: No, Miriam I'm not going to guess.

Kevin: 108 pounds.

Dave: 108 pounds?

Kevin: Yes.

Dave: You do not weigh 108 pounds.

Kevin: Oh yes I do.

Dave: No, no, you don't.

Kevin: Yes, I do.

Dave: No, you do not Miriam, a thin eleven year-old girl weighs 108 pounds.

Kevin: I know.

Dave: You don't weigh 108 pounds.

Kevin: Oh yes, I do, I weighed myself on a scale.

Dave: Well, then, you know what, that scale must be broken. Yes it must be, because you could not weigh 108 pounds at your height and still be alive.

[Waiter approaches the table.]

Waiter: May I tell you what are today's specials?

Kevin: What the hell are those?

Waiter: Menus.

Kevin: Who put you up to this!? Who sent you here!? Get away from me! Who sent you here!?

Dave: We're not quite ready to order yet.

[Waiter leaves, bewildered.]

Dave: Are you okay, Miriam?

Kevin: Oh, yes, I'm fine, I'm great. Why shouldn't I be? I weigh 108 pounds! I have a scale in my purse, if you don't believe me, I can weigh myself for you.

Dave: That won't be necessary Miriam.

Kevin: Then you believe that I weigh 108 pounds?

Dave: Yes! So why don't you just relax. [Dave puts his hand on Kevin's.]

Kevin: Aaaah!!! You touched my skin!

Dave: So?

Kevin: And your fat cells are all over me! I could be gaining weight as we speak! [Kevin gets up and pulls a scale out of his purse] There! I gained half a pound! Thanks to your fat cells! They're probably mutating by the millions! I gotta leave!

Dave: Miriam, where are you going, I just got here!

Kevin: I can't be seen in public bloated like this! [Kevin puts his coat over his head and walks toward the door.] Cow coming through, cow coming through!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video