Weekend With Daddy

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)
Cast: [We open with a shot of a young boy and a young girl jumping on a trampoline, in front of a sunny, sky blue background. They look very happy, joyful and disgustingly cute. As they frolick, the caption Weekend With Daddy comes up.]

[We cut to a suburban house. We see a tricycle in the front lawn as a paper is tossed on the front lawn. We move inside and see that the sky-background is painted on the children's bedroom wall and that they are in fact, jumping on their respsective beds. The boy is shooting two toy six shooters and yelling "Yahoo!" The girl gets off the bed and starts playing with a top which she balances on a large block. Bruce is worriedly folding clothes and looks quite nervous about letting her babies go.]

Bruce: Now you two be on your best behavior and don't give your daddy a hard time.

Girl: [slightly exasperated] Yes, Mommie.

Bruce: And don't let your father give you too much junk food to eat.

Boy: [still bouncing] Yes mom.

Bruce: Well hurry! Come on! It's almost time!

[Both kids, who it might be noted are dressed in their Sunday best, begin to jump on the bed singing "Yay! We're gonna see Daddy!"]

Bruce: Yes, you're going to see Daddy.

[We close up on the boy, all rosy cheeked and bright eyed. We then cut to a close up of Kevin. Kevin is stubbled face, bleary eyed and is crying like a baby.]

[As we pull back, we hear sirens in the background and notice that Kevin's apartment is as dark of night to the nursery's bright day. There is only one light, a swinging shop one. The boy is examining a beer bottle. Kevin is clad in dockers and an undershirt. Kevin sobs some more, as we pan over the squalor, eventually recovering himself.]

Kevin: Okay then.... What did your Mother do on Tuesday?

Boy: Well she....

Kevin: Anything! In graphic detail! I've gotta know!

Boy: Well, made us breakfast.

Kevin: Breakfast? Eggs? Oh God! Oh God, I miss her eggs. [starts sobbing] Go on... go on!

Girl: Well, Uncle Nick came over...

Kevin: Uncle Nick? You don't have an Uncle Nick.

Girl: It's Mommy's new friend. She told us to call him Uncle Nick.

Kevin: Uncle, huh? Kids, let me show you something. [picks up dictionary] I want to read you the definition of the word uncle. You use uncle to describe the brother of one of your parents. You do not use it to describe the new guy your mother is BANGING! [sobs] Let's learn another word. We can use it to describe your mother very well....Whore! [we get to see the page, with the word "whore" highlighted.] A whore! Repeat after me kids! My mother is a [sobs] My mother is a [sobs]

[Kevin starts sobbing big time and slowly collapses onto a couch crying.]

Girl: Can we go to the zoo now?

[We cut to a car. The boy is in the backseat, girl is at shotgun. Kevin is driving. They are parked and Kevin is staring out the window intently.]

Girl: We're supposed to be going to the zoo!

Kevin: We ARE going to the zoo... via the house.

[We pan over to reveal that they are parked in front of Mommy's house.]

Kevin: [turns to Boy] Are you sure your Uncle Nick is supposed to come over this weekend?

Boy: He's supposed to come over every weekend.

Kevin: [moans]

Girl: I'm hungry! You said we were going to eat!

Kevin: Yeah, yeah. [laugh track blocks out] quiet down?!?!

[Bruce exits the house, along with a man in a bathrobe]

Boy: There's Uncle Nick... in the bathrobe, besides Mommy.

[Kevin appears to make an effort to control himself, and considers his options. He pulls a wooden bat, big part first out from his side.]

Kevin: You kids stay in the car. Daddy will be back in a second.

[Kevin steps out of the car and approaches the couple, holding the bat in his right hand and bringing it down on the left. Bruce sees him coming and tries to smile and be nice, though she knows it is probably a hopeless cause.]

Bruce: Oh, hello Frank. Do you know my friend, Nick? He's um....

[Nick puts a hand out to shake. He's apparently not as quick on the uptake as Bruce and he looks quite stunned as Kevin hits him in the head with the bat and begins to pummel him. Bruce looks shocked as well and begins fighting with Kevin over the bat. The kids watch this, with a rather bored expression. Eventually the girl curls up to sleep and the boy lies down and looks at his fingers as the pummeling continues.]

[Kevin lets up for a moment and looks at Bruce.]

Kevin: You're right. I'm..... CRAZY!!!!

[Kevin continues his assault.]

[Cut to: A Prison Cell. We see a list of "Rules for Visitors" and pan down to see the children looking at their father, now in prison grey and behind bars.]

Kevin: Well kids... our weekend together is almost other. Promise me you'll do well in school?

Both: Yes, daddy

Kevin: [nods] Have a good week. Oh.. and tell your mother.. I've ALSO met someone. [He glances over and we see Kevin's cellmate; your typical big tough guy. Kevin begins sobbing again.]

[We cut to Bruce and Nick, who watch from the back. Nick is in a neck brace and walking on crutches. ]

Bruce: Come on kids. It's time to go.. let's go.

[The two walk off with the kids. Kevin gets up and shouts through the bars.]

Kevin: I made your uncle say uncle! Didn't I, Nick!?!?!

[Kevin screams incoherently as the kids, Bruce and Nick are lead out by a guard and the happy bouncy music from before plays.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video