The Waiter With Stumps For Hands

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (

Scott: Well, this is a dandy restaurant, Gwen. Yeah?

Dave: Yeah!

Scott: Yeah.

[Kevin approaches their table, hands behind back.]

Kevin: Hello. Welcome to Pesto's. I will be your waiter for this evening.

Scott: Hello.

Kevin: May I tell you tonight's specials?

Scott: By all means.

Kevin: Thank you. Tonight we have a very nice linguine with clam sauce. We have a very lovely crab salad. And may I recommend the grilled swordfish? It is quite [pulls out his hands and kisses them. He has stumps instead of hands] excellent!

[Scott begins to look around awkwardly, and tap his fingers on the table.]

Scott: [hesitating the whole time] Geez.. it all sounds so good.. it's hard... to.. decide.....

Kevin: Oh. You're staring at my stumps aren't you?

Scott: [shakes head] No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

Dave: Well I was.

Kevin: Thank you ma'am. I admire honesty in a person [he slowly turns to glare at Scott] I like that better than cowardice.

Scott: Fair enough.

Kevin: Yes! I am the Waiter With Stumps For Hands! But don't worry. I'll make myself scarce when you're eating so you won't be disgusted by my stumps.

Scott: [shakes head] Oh, no. No, I wouldn't be disgusted at all.

Dave: Well, I would.

Kevin: Thank you, ma'am. At any rate, I won't bother with you the story of how I became the Waiter With Stumps for Hands...

Scott: Good! We'll just order then.... Okay..

Dave: [leaning over and whispering] Ask him.

Scott: What?

Dave: [still whispering] Ask him.

Scott: I don't think so... [Dave begins looking at him with a pouty look that he does disturbingly well for a guy.] He's just being polite... I don't think he really....Okay... so... How did you become the Waiter With Stumps For Hands?

Kevin: [angrily] Don't patronized me, sir! [instantly becoming calmer, even cheerful] Well, I wasn't always the Waiter With Stumps For Hands. No, once I was Eric: [dramatically] The Waiter with Hands for Hands.

[We then see a flashback scene of Kevin when he had hands. We see a close up of him holding up four fingers and then extending a welcoming hand to four people and gesturing to their table. We see him point to each individual person. He then bends over and tucks a napkin into the shirt of a male customer and runs his hand along the side of the man's face as he finishes. He then gives them all the A-OK sign as he looks at his hand in wonder. We see all this in slight slow motion with some nice music... Kinda Chariots of Fire like in the background. As it ends we cut back to the present.]

Kevin: Those were my happy, carefree days. And then everything changed the fateful day they installed... the Spaghetti Grinder....

[Another Flashback: This time we see Kevin in the kitchen, operating a device with several whirling blades, which he uses to cut the pasta. Suddenly, a Jerk (Bruce) enters the back room.]

Bruce: Excuse me? There's a problem with the bill.

Kevin: Oh, did I make a mistake sir?

Bruce: No, the problem is thinking I'm going to pay the bill.

[Bruce grabs Kevin's hands and begins to eat them. We hear various slurping noises and bones crunching. Kevin rolls his eyes as if in great pain while screaming..]


[We see blood spray across the wall. We then cut to Kevin who now has two bloody stumps. They are squirting blood. Bruce smiles evily, turns and exits.]

Kevin: MY HANDS! [starts sobbing] MY HANDS!

[Cut back to the present.]

Kevin: And Alas, that is my sad tale.

Scott: Yes, that is very, very sad

Dave: Yes, it's very sad. May we order now?

[Bruce enters the restaurant. Kevin doesn't see him since he is turned towards Dave, away from the door.]

Kevin: Certainly. What would you... [seeing Bruce] Good Night Nurse! You have some nerve coming here!

Bruce: Yeah, and you have no hands.

Kevin: Why do you come back and taunt me?!

Bruce: Because you have the best grilled swordfish in the city!

Kevin: Your trail of terror ends here! [begins to look for a weapon.]

[Kevin tried to pick up a butterknife but with no success. He then tried to lift a bottle of wine and break it. He manages to hold the bottle but can't seem to break it on the table All this happens while as the following dialogue happens.]

Bruce: Yeah watcha gonna do? Headbutt me? [picks up a napkin and unfolds it] Come on, Stumpy. Let's go! [begins to act like a matador with a cape] Come on- come on! Toro! Come on.. ha-ha ha-ha!

Kevin: [while trying to break the bottle] Stop it! Stop it! I'll kill you with my own stumps!

[As Kevin begins to try and pick up another knife, the skit ends.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video