Time Flies

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)

[Setting: A living room. Kevin and Dave enter through the door to the kitchen.]

Kevin: Look. I never called you stupid. I just said I thought it was a stupid movie.

Dave: Well, I guess you must think that I'm pretty stupid for liking it, then.

Kevin: No, I don't.

Dave: Well, you think my opinions are stupid. That's what you're implying.

Kevin: No, I'm not. I do, however think it's stupid that we are fighting over such a stupid movie.

Dave: Well, you just never tire of calling me stupid, do you?

Kevin: What?! I've gotta get out of here!

Dave: Fine!

Kevin: I'm going for a walk!

Dave: That's great!

[Kevin walks out the front door, slamming it behind him. He simmers on the porch for a second before turning around.]

Kevin: What am I doing? [he opens the door and goes back in] Honey, I'm sorry. I was insensitive and opinionated and WHO THE HELL IS THAT?!?!

[We see Dave on the couch. Another man, Harrison, has his arm around her and his hand on her thigh.]

Dave: I'm sorry too. But while you were away, I found someone else.

Kevin: Look, it's pretty obvious you've been cheating on me.....

Man: Wow. Is that the kind of suspicion you lived with all those years? No wonder you were so reluctant to get involved again.

Kevin: I just find it hard to believe that you're suddenly in love with this guy.

Dave: Hey! After you walked out that door, I bounced around from one empty relationship to another. And then Harrison came along and made me feel safe. So don't you dare say that we're not in love.

Kevin: [confused] But I was only gone for two seconds....

Dave: [sarcastically] Oh. Was I to wait forever?

Man: Maybe you should just leave, pal. Or haven't you caused enough pain?

Kevin: I'm leaving! This time I'm really leaving!

[Kevin turns and slams the door but stops on the porch again.]

Kevin: Wait a second. It's my house! Why should I leave my house?!

[He turns around and enters. Harrison is drinking from a bottle and obviously very drunk. Dave is holding a baby and looking on angrily.]

Man: Look, I really thought I could do this, all right? But I can't! And I just think it's better for you and our son if I just go, okay? [He exits, stumbling past Kevin.]

Dave: So.... are you back to stay? My baby needs a father.

Kevin: Baby?

Dave: Don't you judge me! Don't you dare to judge me! You walked out on me!

Kevin: Look, I'm sorry I left... but that's not my baby!

Dave: Well, why don't you just leave again? That's always your solution, huh?!?!

Kevin: No... that's what got us into this mess in the first place...

Dave: Look, could we NOT fight?

Kevin: You're right... you're right. Let me go to the kitchen, JUST the kitchen... I'll make us some tea, and we'll talk about this like civilized people.

[We hear a kettle being filled with water as Kevin disappears into the kitchen. As he comes back we see Dave kiss a sailor on the cheek, hug him, and wave goodbye.]

Kevin: Now what's happening?!?!

Dave: Oh, hon. Try to understand. You see, my son's all grown up now and joined the Navy....and I'm not hooked on the painkillers anymore. I just feel for the first time in my life I'm ready to be on my own.

Kevin: [confused] But I just left to make some tea....

Dave: Don't think this is because I don't love you because I do love you!

Kevin: [lamely] The kettle's not even boiled yet.

Dave: Please... let me go now, while I still have the strength!

[Dave closes the door. As Kevin walks towards it, there is a knock and the doorbell rings. Kevin opens the door and Dave enters carrying a suitcase and a cast-iron model of the Eifle Tower.]

Dave: Did you miss me?!

Kevin: [close to freaking out] Yeah...sure....

Dave: Oh, hon. You know, traveling has really changed me. I think I'm ready to settle down now.

Kevin: Great! Let me go finish making that tea... hey, why don't you come with me?

Dave: You're right. Let us never be parted again, even for a second!

Kevin: [nervously] Yeah... that's a pretty good plan.....

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video