Test Tube Baby

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by both: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com) and orteil_perdu@hotmail.com

[Setting: A Store.]

[We see someone set various types and brands of air fresheners upon a counter. We pan up to see that it is Dave. He smiles at the cashier, Scott.]

Scott: How are you today, sir?

Dave: Not so good. And it's because I'm a test tube baby.

Scott: Oh yeah?

Dave: Couldn't tell from looking at me, could ya?

Scott: Hmmm.....No..

Dave: No. No, it's odd. I mean, here I am, a freak, and nobody knows it. And I am a freak. I mean, how could I not be? My life started out in a test tube. It's funny... well, more sad than really... but everyday I talk I just.... never feel like I fit in.

[Cut to another store where Dave is continuing his speech to another cashier.]

Dave: I mean, who do I look up to? Who does a test tube baby look up to? I mean, famous test tube babies? I mean, try to name one. See? You can't! That's cause there are no famous test tube babies.

[Cut to the street, where Dave continues the speech, this time to some woman.]

Dave: Except for Louise Brown, because she doesn't really count because she's only famous for being the first test tube baby. So when people like yourself ask me, "How are you today?", I have to honestly reply, "Not Very Good" My life is SHIT because I'm a test tube baby!

[Cut to Dave's House. It is lit only by scented candles and he is spraying air freshener around the room.]

Dave: You know, I wasn't looking for pity, you know. I wasn't even expecting sympathy.. But when I told people I was a test tube baby, nobody laughed at me. No, not like you. Not like you, you son-of-a-bitch.

[Dave walks over to a chair and sits down. Across from it, we see a decomposing corpse. REALLY decomposing. Skull and everything. It has a knife in its chest Dave continues to talk to it and spray air freshener on it.]

Dave: All you ever did was laugh and make jokes and order me around. "Hey, Test Tube Baby! Get me a grilled cheese sandwich." "Hey there, hey there little Test Tube Baby, you missing your petri dish?" Oh, that was very funny.. you were a very funny man. Now you are nothing. You're an ornament. You know, I'm still cashing your U.I. checks....

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video