Tea Addiction

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie
[Kevin, as Mr. Tisane, sits on an examining table next to Mark, an old doctor with an upperclass British accent. Kevin holds a cup of tea in his hand, which he sips from before putting it down next to him on the table. Mark writes on a clipboard.]

Kevin: Would you like some tea?

Mark: I don't like tea.

Kevin: It's chamomile tea.

Mark: I said I don't like tea.

Kevin: I have lots of tea.

[Kevin opens the right side of his jacket. Inside is an amazing array of tea bags, along with a few tea bongs hanging from their chains.]

Kevin: I have English Breakfast, Orange Pekoe, Lemon Zinger.

Mark: Remove your jacket, please.

[Kevin takes off his jacket. Mark puts down the clipboard, picks up a stethoscope, and listens to Kevin's chest.]

Mark: Breathe deeply.

Kevin: Tickles. Ya bastard.

[Mark puts down the stethoscope.]

Mark: Well, Mr. Tisane, everything appears to be normal. You say you're having trouble sleeping at night?

Kevin: Not a wink.

Mark: Well then, what I'd like to do is take a blood test, and we'll see if everything's in order. Roll up your sleeve, please.

[Kevin rolls up his sleeve. Mark picks up a syringe and inserts the needle into Kevin's arm. He pulls back the plunger, and the syringe fills with brown liquid.]

Mark: Hello, this appears to be tea!

[Cut to Kevin leaning his head against the window of a taxi. He hears Mark's voice, amplified and with an echo.]

Mark: The problem is obvious. You're drinking too much tea, and too much of anything isn't good for you. You must stop drinking tea. Tea, tea, tea, stop, stop, stop. Stop the tea. Stop the tea. Number nine. Number nine.

[The echo ends, and Kevin turns to see Mark sitting next to him, speaking through a small megaphone.]

Mark: This is where I get out. Thanks awfully for the lift.

[Mark gets out of the taxi and stands in the street.]

Mark: Taxi!

[A taxi pulls up. Mark bends to talk to the driver, still using the megaphone.]

Mark: Downtown.

[Mark gets in the taxi, and it drives away. Kevin's taxi starts moving again.]

Kevin: I will never drink tea again.

[Cut to Kevin at home. He sits in his living room, on the floor in the corner, sweating and muttering to himself.]

Kevin: Gotta have, gotta have tea. Gotta have, gotta have tea. Must need, must need tea. Must need, must need tea. Gotta have, gotta have tea. Gotta have, gotta have-

Dave: Looking for me?

[Kevin looks up to see Dave, dressed as a giant tea bag and speaking in an upperclass British accent.]

Kevin: Tea! Why must you taunt me like this?

Dave: Come on. Dunk me. You know you want to dunk me. So why don't you dunk me?

Kevin: You're not real. I'm just going through the de-teas. Tea, begone.

[Kevin makes a sweeping gesture with his arm, and the tea disappears. Kevin starts pacing across the living room, muttering to himself about the de-teas. After a moment, the tea appears in front of him again.]

Dave: Come on. Lick my bag.

Kevin: Nnnooo!

[Kevin runs down the hall, yelling and flailing. He almost runs headfirst into the tea again at the kitchen door. Kevin enters the kitchen and crawls under the table. The tea comes into the kitchen, and Kevin crawls into the corner.]

Dave: I go good with these.

[Dave holds up a scone that has mysteriously appeared in his hand. Kevin starts to see scones floating around his head.]

Kevin: Not scones. Very cruel, giant tea bag.

[The scones disappear. Dave dunks himself into a giant teacup full of water that has appeared in the middle of the kitchen.]

Dave: Join me. The water is hot and steamy.

Kevin: Nnnooo!

[Kevin runs out of the house, yelling. Cut to a shot of Kevin in an alley full of old appliances. He is asleep on an old mattress, using a big piece of cardboard for a blanket. Kevin wakes up and stands.]

Kevin: I did it. I did it.

[He walks out of the alley and down the street, muttering to himself.]

Kevin: I beat the tea. I don't need tea. I'm better than tea. Me one, tea nothing. I hate the tea. I am honestly better than the tea. I just really don't like-

[Kevin stops abruptly in front of Sarah's Tea Shop. Cut to an old couple inside. The man puts his teacup down on the table. Kevin appears next to him and picks up the cup.]

Old man: Hey, that's my tea!

Kevin: Gimme the tea, ya bastard.

[They pull the cup back and forth between them. The giant tea bag appears across the screen, and we hear a voice-over from Kevin.]

Kevin: I have fallen off the wagon, for I am a slave to tea.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video