The Tattoo

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (

[Setting: An apartment living room]

Bruce: [taking away plates] Did you like the ratatui? Was it yummy?

Scott: Yeah! You know I really liked the ratatui. Which is odd, because I've never liked ratatui before, ya know? I don't like the sound of it. I don't like the ingredients.

Bruce: [giggling] Eggplant.

Scott: Yeah, ya know, but for some reason tonight I really enjoyed it.

Bruce: Sounds like you've got a little cru-ush!

Scott: [blushing a bit] Oh, well. Yeah. Well, maybe.

Bruce: Don't worry about it. I'm a modern woman.

Scott: Oh! That's good to know because, uh... well... there's something about me I think you should know.... something personal.

Bruce: You're married?

Scott: No.

Bruce: You're gay?

Scott: No.

Bruce: You're bi? I dated someone bi once. She was very nice.

Scott: No, no. It's not that.

Bruce: You're HIV! It could happen to anyone...

Scott: No, not that.

Bruce: [gasps] You don't have a ferret do you?!?!

Scott: [shocked] God, no! Geez!

Bruce: Then what is it?

Scott: Ok. This is difficult. I've had my penis tattooed.

Bruce: Uh-huh.

Scott: Yeah. I had sort of a zig-zag done around the head. Sorta like Jughead's hat.

Bruce: I see. And why?

Scott: Well, I was claiming authority over my own body. You see, in the 90's the body is the ultimate battle ground. Body modification is the ultimate transgressive act against the stifling conformity of the body politic.

Bruce: Wow!

Scott: That and I've always loved Archie comics.

Bruce: Oh, me too! Does it still.. you know... work?

Scott: Well, I mean, as well as it ever did. [sheepishly] Which was never too good.

Bruce: Really?

Scott: Yeah. I'm not the world's greatest cocksman.

Bruce: Really? [sexily] I find sexual inadequacy so sexy.

Scott: Really? Wow, you ARE a modern woman!

Bruce: [smiles] Modern and realistic.

Scott: So.... So you don't mind?

Bruce: No, not at all. Actually, now that you mention it, I've had my nose done.

Scott: Really?

Bruce: Yeah! It's my sister's

Scott: Oh. It's a beautiful nose.

Bruce: Yeah. I always admired her nose, so we traded!

Scott: Oh. I'll bet that comes with an interesting story.

Bruce: Not really. I always admired her nose, so we traded!

Scott: [laughs, stops as he wonders why, and shrugs] So, is there anything else that I should know before we proceed?

Bruce: Well, I do have the Watergate transcripts tattooed on my back.

Scott: Oh, that's fantastic. I love to read in bed.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video