Steps: Cause of AIDS

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (
Cast: [Setting: The Steps]

Dave: You think they'll ever find a cure for AIDS?

Kevin: They already have. They just won't let us have it. After all, if it was man-made, which it was, it came with a cure. But now because there's so much money spent on looking for a cure, they can't afford to find one.

Dave: Well, I heard that AIDS came from these 3 monkeys in Central Africa. Yeah, I heard that they have these monkey blood rituals where everyone gets really high and they dance alot and they drink monkey's blood and that's how it was introduced to the human population.

Scott: Wow. Sounds like the 70's.

Kevin: No, it's definity man-made, created by the American military for Germ Warfare.

Dave: Well, I heard it was created by Liz Taylor to give her career a boost.

Scott: No, actually.... what I heard was...she had someone else create it and she just put her name to it.

Dave: Yeah, and when they were looking for it? They accidently stumbled across the formula for "White Diamonds."

[Dave and Scott laugh as Kevin looks uptight.]

Kevin: [indignant] How can you talk that way about Liz Taylor after all she has done for the gay community?

Dave: It was a joke!

Kevin: Well, there are some things you don't joke about. How would you like it if every five minutes I made disrespectful jokes about Miss Judy Garland?

Dave: Well, I would love it because it would mean you weren't on a soapbox about something.

Scott: Hallelujah!

Dave: I mean, you really should be careful Smitty. Taking yourself too seriously might be a co-factor.

Kevin: Message recieved.

Dave: Hey Butch? What would you do if there was a cure tomorrow?

Scott: Wow...well, I'd probably get really wrecked and then go out and do as many guys as I could.

Kevin: [straight faced] So you wouldn't do anything differently?

Scott: No.

Dave: [suprised] That's the spirit, Smitty! That was a joke!

Kevin: [trying to do a rimshot] Ba-da-bum-bum.

Scott: No. Ba-da-bum.

Kevin: Ba-da-bum-bum-bum?

Scott: Ba-da-bum.

Dave: [sighs] Smitty, just don't do it again?

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video