New Boots

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (

[Setting: A street]

[Bruce walks down the street and stops outside a building. The window reads "Worker Overload" He looks at a sign which we eventually see that reads "Be Here at 6 AM and wear steel-toed boots". Steel-toed is underlined. Bruce nods to himself and continues down the street, stopping again to look at a pair of boots in the window of "Boot Store" His eyes fall one pair that is on sale for $80. He hmms to himself, enters the store, and buys the boots.]

[The next day we see Bruce walk up to a group of men, all in flannel work clothes and carrying lunch boxes. Bruce walks up to one man, who is drinking from a hip flask.]

Bruce: Sure is gonna feel good to be working.

[The man looks at Bruce like he was a piece of garbage and takes a drink.]

Bruce: So, how many guys do they take?

[Scott walks up to Bruce.]

Scott: Hey! Are you here to talk or to work?

[Bruce makes a shoveling motion with his hands.]

Scott: Good. Okay, ladies. We're going to need 12 guys today.

[All the men raise their hands and start saying "Me, me." or something like it.]

Scott: You! Are you wearing steel-toed boots?

[Cut to Dave's feet. He's wearing regular boots.]

Dave: Yeah.

Scott: Yeah? Tester!

[Two men carry over a concrete slab, positioning it over Dave's feet.]

Scott: Now!

[The two men drop the slab, crushing Dave's feet.]

Dave: OWWWWWwww that doesn't hurt!

Scott: I think yer lying... Huh?

[Dave smiles at Scott. Sweat pours down his face and he shakes as if he is about to scream.]

Scott: [looking around] Okay... how about... you? [points at Kevin, who steps forward] Are those steel-toed boots?

Kevin: Yeah.

Scott: Are you sure?

[Scott looks down. From his viewpoint, we see that Kevin is wearing nothing but plaid socks.]

Kevin: Yeah.

Scott: Okay.

[the slab is dropped on Kevin's feet. Kevin screams like there's no tomorrow. We see Bruce watch in horror and the other man closes his eyes and take a drink. Scott next points at Bruce.]

Bruce: Yes, they are.

[The slab is dropped with a resounding thud, as we hear a metallic clank. Bruce smiles.]

[A truck backs up towards the men.]

Scott: You twelve, on the truck. Blindfolds!

[Several men move to blindfold the workers.]

Bruce: Why are we being blindfolded?

Scott: Hey! Are you here to ask stupid questions or are you here to work?

[The camera switches to Bruce's perspective as we see a blindfold put over his eyes [the camera and he is pushed into a truck. We later see the blindfolded pushed up a bit and see the twelve men crowded in the back of the truck.]

Man1: I know. I bet we're going to a warehouse out by the airport!

Man2: I just hope we're not doing insulation. That's the worst.

[The other men grunt in agreement as the truck comes to a sudden stop. The men are all violently pulled off the truck.]

[The camera fades from black and we see the truck pull away from the men. The men are all bare foot, their boots having been taken.]

[We then cut back to the same Boot store, where Bruce's boots lie in the window with the same $80 tag as before and the woman who runs the bootstore holding a fist-full of dollars as she looks at the boots, and all the other "new" pairs.]

[We end with a shot of the men walking, rather pained across the hot asphalt back to town.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video