Humans for Humanity: Sperm Bank

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
First Part Transcribed by:
Finished by: Matt Morrison (

Part I

[in a sperm bank]

All: Huh!

Bruce: By breaking that window, we have broken our first rule.

All: Leave nothing but footsteps, take nothing but sperm!

Mark: I'm sorry.

Scott: Don't be sorry. What is one broken window compared to the pain caused by large Cola bottlers worldwide?

Mark: Or the pain of mailmen who must toil like patbuellers under the weight of unwanted junkmail?

Bruce: The world needs trees, not pizza menus!

Mark and Scott: Right on, sister!

Bruce: Do we have all the necessary tools for the procreation ceremony?

Mark: [taking them out] Candles and incense.

Scott: [taking them out] Ritualistc drum. Turkey baster.

Bruce: Good.

Mark: Right.

Mark and Scott: Let's rob the sperm bank! [They look for sperm]

Bruce: It's not robbery. Paying for sperm is reverse prostitution.

Mark and Scott: Yes!

Bruce: Is it not fair that I come and take what I want from the man in the dead of the night?

Mark and Scott: Yes!

Bruce: Isn't that what he's been doing to me and my sisters since time began?

Mark and Scott: Yes!

Bruce: Even though I believe prostitution should be legalized.

Mark: And ganja.

Scott: And hash.

Bruce: And jaywalking.

Mark: And bumper hitching.

Scott: And letting your dog off the leash in public parks!

Mark: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Bruce: Stop it, stop it. We are not going to solve all the world's problems here tonight. But my hope is that I can get some A-1 sperm so Arlene and I can increase our family unit.

Mark: Oh! Sperm! [finding sperm]

Scott: Sperm! But what kind of sperm, Shona? There are so many types here.

Bruce: What kind of sperm do I want?

[Music plays. Guys crouch down.]

I want the sperm of the free. And the brave. I want the sperm of the not-yet-free and the not-yet-brave. I want the sperm of the working class, of the oppressed, of the flat-footed, of the sunken-chested...

Mark: That sounds like us.

[Guys get up and start to open their pants.]

Scott: Yeah.

Mark: Yeah.

Bruce: But you are male.

Mark and Scott: Oh. We feel ashamed.

Bruce: It's good to feel shame, it's good to feel shame, it's good to feel shame...[fading into flashback]

[in a car]

Kevin: C'mon Shona.

Bruce: I'm not sure.

Kevin: Just do it.

Bruce: But what about my free will?

Kevin: Don't worry about that.

Bruce: I'm not sure this is right.

Kevin: I'm aching. If you help me, I'll help you...maybe sometime in the future.

Bruce: Okay.

[Kevin makes pleased groan]

Mark: Shona!

Scott: You didn't!

Bruce: Yes. Against my will. See, too much sperm has damaged too many girls' mohair sweaters as it is. That is why I will not accept the sperm of a man.

Scott: Yes!

Mark: Well, what then?

Bruce: Women's sperm!

Scott: Yes!

Mark: Yes!

Bruce: Yes!

Scott: [with same energy] No!

Mark: [realizing] No.

Bruce: No?

Mark: Well, there's no such thing, Shona.

Bruce: Not yet.

Mark and Scott: Yes!

Bruce: I will have to yield to the limitations of biology. Man's sperm will have to do.

Mark and Scott: Great choice, sister!

Mark: Uh, what about...this sperm?

Scott: What about this sperm?

Bruce: What about this stuff? Does it look right to you? It's been a long time for me.

Scott: Well, the best import date is okay.

Bruce: Well, let's take it.

[alarm goes off]

Mark: What now?

Bruce: Let's run!

Mark: Right.

Scott: Wait! I have an idea.

Bruce: What? I can't hear you. The alarm is so loud.

Scott: Let's liberate the sperm!

Bruce: Good idea!

Mark: Yeah, good idea.

[Each of them takes a test tube and pours the contents down the sink]

Bruce: Swim! Swim to freedom!

All: Go! Go! Go! Awwwwww...

Scott: It's too late. They've been in captivity too long and lost their instincts.

Mark: Wait! There they go!

Bruce: Whose sperm have I selected at random to impregnate myself with a turkey baster so that my lesbian partner and I can increase our family unit? Hmmm... [We come up on a background shot of sperm swimming in a microscope slide. A question mark comes onto the screen.]

Announcer: Who is the father of Shona's baby? Stay tuned, and at the end of the episode we will reveal the donor of the mystery sperm.

Part II

[We see a background shot of Sperm swimming around]

Announcer: Could the owner of the sperm, be this man?

[We see a shot of Mark as Tucker]

Announcer: Or one of these men, in this rock band Armada?

[We see a shot of the three boys in Armada]

Announcer: Stay tuned to find out at the end of the episode.

Part III

Announcer: Are these men the owners of the sperm that will impregnate Shona?

[We see a shot of the two cops, Bruce and Mark]

Announcer: Or is it this man?

[We see a picture of a rather ordinary looking man]

Announcer: Stay tuned to find out at the end of the episode.

Part IV

Announcer: And now.. it's time to reveal the identity of the donor of the mystery sperm.

[There is a slight fanfare]

Announcer: Hockey Legend Gordie Howe!

[We see a picture of Hockey Legend Gordie Howe]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video