Sexist Boss

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Kevin looking out the window. Dave enters.]

Dave: You wanted to see me, Mr. White?

Kevin: Yes, Beth. First of all, I'd uh would like to welcome you to Berman, Berman & Sloane. I hope you are enjoying your first day here.

Dave: Oh, yes, sir. Everyone's been really wonderful. Thank you.

Kevin: Great. Now I want you to take a letter. . . [turns to face Dave and notice's his chest]. . .Oh my God!

Dave: Is there something wrong, sir?

Kevin: Uh, nothing. It's just that I'm very. . .religious.

Dave: Oh, fine. You wanted me to take a letter?

Kevin: Yes, yes. Have a seat. [tries to fine words, mutters] Have a seat; have a seat. Oh, okay, okay. Dear sirs--uh, sir. In reference to your tomatoes--uh, letter of the fifth, I would like to fondle--uh, respond by copping a feel--uh, admitting it was our fault that the shipment was tits--uh, late.

Dave: Sir, I'm afraid that, uh, ever since I came in here you've done nothing but make suggestive comments. If it doesn't stop I'm gonna have to file a sexual harrassment charge.

Kevin: What are you talking about? Are you completely breasts? I only boobed you in here to tit a letter. Besides, hooters, I'm very happily milk from your breaaasts.

Dave: That's it; I quit. [leaves]

Kevin: What? Are you completely crazy, lady? I didn't do a tits tomatoes hooters ta-tas! . . .Women!

[One week later: Kein in office talking to his new male secretary, Scott, who is seated in the chair.]

Kevin: . . .and I thought it was time to hire a male assistant. It is the nineties afterall, or so they tell me anyway. Okay, let's write that letter. Dear. . . [notices Scott's Danny Husk-esque penis size] . . .God in heaven!

Scott: What is it? Uh, what is it, sir? Sir? Sir?

Kevin: Nothing. I'm just very religious. Let's write that letter. Dear penis. I--I erection your letter of the hard-boner. Sack bag testes. Sincerely yours, walking hard-on.

Scott: So, that's it?

Kevin: Yes.

Scott: Okay. I'll get right on it. [leaves]

Kevin: [sits in chair] Good looking kid.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video