Raj and Christine: Temporary Roommates

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (herogreenlantern@hotmail.com)

[Mark lies on an unfolded sofa-bed smoking and watching Rikki Lake. Scott enters.]

Scott: Hi, Christine.

Mark: Hi, Raj. Are you home for lunch?

Scott: No. I'm home for good.

Mark: What?! What time is it?

Scott: It's 5 o'clock

Mark: Oh my God, Raj. My life's a disaster. I got up like twenty seconds ago!

Scott: Christine, you slept the whole day?

Mark: Yes! Again. Thanks for waking me up, Raj!

Scott: Well, I tried Christine, but you know.. you punched me in your sleep.

Mark: I did?

Scott: Yeah.

Mark: Oh my God! I've been so out of it lately.

Scott: Yeah! I've noticed that you're out of it. Are you sure you're okay?

Mark: No! Raj, I think someone has stolen my body and replaced it with a forgery!

Scott: Yeah?

Mark: You know, the other day..

Scott: Yeah?

Mark: It's like, I tried to put in my contact lenses...

Scott: Yeah?

Mark: But they didn't fit! Raj, call the doctor... I think it's cancer!

Scott: Oh! No, Christine!

Mark: Well it's either that or these stupid pills I found in your drug cabinet.

Scott: Christine! You finished my Zanax!

Mark: Raj! I did you a favor! These things will turn you into a zombie.

Scott: Oh, Christine.... did you call about getting a new apartment today?

Mark: Oh yeah! I called this one place. Raj, it was SO totally freaky.

Scott: Yeah?

Mark: The guy was Polish, or something...he couldn't understand a word I was saying. He hated m.. I took it as an omen and hung up.

Scott: So, um.. I guess you'll be looking tomorrow?

Mark: Yeah, if I ever manage to buy a newspaper and not lose it.

Scott: [sniffing] Christine, what's that smell?

Mark: Oh that? I'm cooking.

Scott: Yeah?

Mark: Duck a l’Orange. You like?

Scott: Well, it's a little bit close.

Mark: Yeah. That smell is probably the wine I used...

Scott: Wine? I thought you didn't go out all day?

Mark: I didn't. I found it in the back of the cupboard.

Scott: Christine! You took that bottle of wine?! I was saving that! It cost over 20 dollars!

Mark: Relax, Raj. There's at least seven dollars worth left, okay?

[Scott collapses in a chair in disbelief.]

Mark: What? What is it?

Scott: You know, since you moved in here temporarily, you've been using a lot of my things.

Mark: Raj, need I remind that this rice pudding which you enjoyed so much last night... I shoplifted that for you, okay. It's not like I don't contribute!

Scott: Yeah, okay. I'm sorry.. it's just I've had a bad day, that's all...

Mark: Well, this will cheer you up... that guy called for you.

Scott: Who? What guy? What guy? What guy?

Mark: [reading note] Um.. Druleau... Tru-jay-o?

Scott: Sergio? That gorgeous guy from [unintelligible. some club name]?

Mark: Yeah, here's his number...

Scott: Yeah! [looks at note] Christine, there's only four numbers here!

Mark: What?

Scott: Yeah!

Mark: Oh my God! I forgot the other three numbers..... Raj, I'm telling you.. it's these pills. [holds up pill bottle]

Scott: Christine, I can't stand it.. you're ruining my life!

Mark: What?

Scott: Yeah!

Mark: Raj, I'm getting sick of this abuse! All right? Who gives a crap about some stupid guy? I mean, frankly, you're not fit to be with anyone right now anyway. And might I add, you're becoming a terrible temporary roommate.

Scott: Roommate, Christine?

Mark: Yes.

Scott: Roomate? We aren't roommates, Christine. If you remember, you just showed up here one day with all those boxes. A truckload of boxes! Everywhere there's boxes! Everything is boxed, Christine! There's always dental floss in the toilet, your showers take three to four hours minimum, so I'm forced to pee in the kitchen sink! And yesterday Christine, you used all of my muskateen(?) facial mud! That comes all the way from Tuscany, Christine! That's a long way! I am never GOING to Tuscany!

Mark: Fine Raj, I'll go. [starts to throw things in a purse]

Scott: Yeah, fine!

Mark: I'll just go!

Scott: Yeah. Go!

Mark: And if any of my friends want to know where I am, I'm at a battered women's shelter.

Scott: Yeah......[pausing] Don't go!

Mark: Why? Is there an apology forthcoming?

Scott: Christine, it just seems to me, sometimes, you know, that you just walk over me

Mark: Raj, I'm doing the best I can, okay?

Scott: Okay

Mark: I mean, I try to keep this apartment.... [looks at the messy apartment] clean.

Scott: Yeah

Mark: But, you know, it's not easy for me... I came from a dysfunctional household.. we had a maid!

Scott: Yeah.

Mark: So I cooked your dinner and I paid your rent, all right?!

Scott: You paid my rent?

Mark: Yeah.

Scott: Why?

Mark: Cause I felt like it....

Scott: Where did you get the money?

Mark: [angrily] Daddy

Scott: Oh.. girl.....oh, Christine. Thanks for putting up with me.

Mark: It's only cause I value our friendship, Raj. You might do the same sometime.

Scott: I'm sorry.

Mark: Apology accepted.

Scott: Okay.

Mark: Oh, there's one other thing.

Scott: What?

Mark: [pulls a cage from behind the bed] Your canary flew out the window this afternoon.

Scott: [horrified] Tweedles?!?!

Mark: Raj, don't freak! I'm sure he'll be back. It's freezing outside.

Scott: Where's my net?!? Where's the net?!?!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video