Please, Please, Please Guy: Roll My Wife Over?

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (
Cast: [Setting: A Hallway in an apartment building.]

[Kevin walks down the hall. He notices that one of the doors is open. He goes to it and calls out to whoever might be inside the apartment.]

Kevin: Hello? Hello? Your door is open... you've left your door open?

Mark: Well, come on in.

Kevin: What?

Mark: Come on in.

Kevin: Well, I'm a bit busy.

Mark: Oh, please, please, please. It's important.

Kevin: Well, I've really got a lot of things....

Mark: Oh, please, please, please. It's very important.

Kevin: Okay.

[Kevin enters the apartment. It is, quite frankly, a pit. Stained and dirty walls. Garbage everywhere, and if we could see the kitchen it is probably filled with cans of half eaten cans of Alpo. Mark sits in the middle of the room, in an old armchair, smoking.]

Mark: You're not just coming in cause you feel sorry for me, are ya?

Kevin: No. I came in cause you asked me please, please, please to come in.

Mark: I only asked cause the lonliness is killing me.

Kevin: You live alone?

Mark: Oh, no no. My wife's in the bedroom. She never comes out though. Would you like some smokes?

Kevin: No thanks. I don't smoke.

Mark: Oh, price of smokes eh? Crazy.

Kevin: Really terrible.

Mark: Remember six years ago, they used to be $4.00? And then they were $4.50. Remember that?

Kevin: No. I don't smoke.

Mark: And then they went to $5.10. I nearly quit. And then they elected that idiot Bob Ray....

Kevin: Well, you shouldn't smoke anyway.

Mark: Oh, I know, I know I know. It's terrible. I quit this one time, except I couldn't.

Kevin: You said there was something important?

Mark: Oh... yeah. [calls to bedroom] Honey? We have a visitor!

[We see a POV shot from the bedroom. It is all dark and we hear a deep hacking cough. Kevin tries to look into the room and gets a horrified look]

Mark: That's the little lady, eh? She's got a bad case of the gout. She never comes out. Can't do nothing so I've got to do all the housework around here, except I can't!

Kevin: Well that's too bad. I really should get going...

Mark: Oh, no...please, please, please?

Kevin: What?!? What is it?

Mark: You think you could go in there and roll her over?

Kevin: What?!?!

Mark: Just roll her over. Oh, she won't know it's you. She'll probably think you're an angel or something.

Kevin: Why don't you do it?

Mark: Oh, no. No. No. I don't go in there. No. No. Never. No.

Kevin: Never? How does she eat?

Mark: She calls the pizza boy. He takes it in. He's got nerves of steel, that one.

Kevin: Listen.. I can't do this... you should call a professional.

Mark: Oh, please? I'll give you a toe.

Kevin: What?

Mark: I'll give you a toe. A Korean toe. Souvenir from the war. [gets up and moves to a wooden box in the corner.]

Kevin: You'll give me a Korean toe for turning over your invalid wife?

Mark: Oh, don't worry. I've got nine more.

Kevin: I've got to get going.

[Kevin exits, looking horrifed as we hear the deep hacking cough again.]


[Kevin re-enters, very quickly heading to the bedroom door.]

Kevin: Never speak to me again. You can keep your toe.

[Kevin enters the bedroom and we switch back to the dark room POV as we see Mark, smiling as he looks into the room.]

Kevin: Where's the lightswitch?

Mark: It's over there on the right.

[Kevin flips on the light]

Crowd: SUPRISE! Happy Birthday!

[There's the sound of noise makers and several people cheering. We cut back to the room shot as Mark sits down and people start pouring out of the room, Kevin and Dave at the front of them.]

Dave: We suprised you, didn't we?

Kevin: Yeah. This year you suprised me!

[The people all walk past Mark, who looks at Dave.]

Mark: Hey. Hey! Did you roll her over? [Dave just looks at him.]

Mark: You said if I lent you this place for the suprise you'd roll her over!

[Dave looks at Kevin and the two run like hell away from the crazy old man.]

[Mark looks very sad and then horrified as we hear the deep coughs again and he looks at the bedroom door.]

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video