Ex-Girlfriend Relocation Program

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Alison Pierce
Cast: Kevin: [eating] Yeah, this is great!

Mark: Kirk, I think we should break up.

Kevin: Well, you've ruined my meal.

Mark: Well, we've grown apart. It's like we've taken separate paths. And recently on my path I've had a couple of lovers.

Kevin: You have lovers on your path? On my path I have TV dinners and watch Full House.

Mark: I'm sorry, but it is over between us.

Kevin: Well then, down to business.

Mark: What?

Kevin: I will save my sadness and anger for another day, for today, I must be practical. [calling to next table] It's happened!

Dave: I see. [approaches and sits] Ma'am, at the request of Mr. Gar-har, Garharglefarg...

Kevin: It's Jackson, how can you mispronounce Jackson?

Dave: [taking papers from briefcase] At his request, we are proposing that we set you up in a new town, with a new identity, in a new job, and if you wish, a new face.

Mark: Kirk, what's going on?

Kevin: Oh, he's from the Ex-Girlfriends Relocation Organization.

Mark: The what?

Dave: It's very complicated, ma'am. Allow me to explain. The Ex-Girlfriends Relocation Organization is an organization that relocates ex-girlfriends. [to Kevin] Gee, it's not really that complicated after all.

Kevin: No, it really isn't.

Mark: [to Kevin] You want me to change my face, change my identity and leave town?

Kevin: Is that so much to ask?

Mark: Kirk, you're just having problems dealing with the fact that you've had a relationship that ended badly.

Kevin: Yes, nail on the head. You see, I'm not a man who's good at dealing with failure. Fortunately, I am a man who's independently wealthy. Right now I have an ex-girlfriend who's a preacher in Texas, and another who's midget twins in the circus. She travels, she's happy.

Dave: You see, ma'am, Mr. Jachla-javhla-jesson...

Kevin: Jackson! It's such an easy name!

Dave: Jaaaahcksun... just could not handle running into you with a new, better-looking boyfriend.

Mark: Kirk, this is ridiculous. I mean, I know what you're trying to do, but you're not going about it in a very healthy manner. I think what we ought to do is try and work this out and stay friends, okay?

Kevin: Sure, let's work on it. That's a good idea.

Mark: Yes.

Kevin: Come back to me honey! I can't live without you!

Mark: Kirk!

Kevin: I'm half a man without you! I'm a whiner without dignity; I'll make your life hell!

Mark: [to Dave] Will I ever see my parents again?

Dave: No.

Mark: Good, I'll do it. [picks up paper and signs]

Dave: Ma'am, once you're located there's something you should know. If you should ever hear the word gazelle, be it on the telephone, over the loudspeaker in a supermarket, or printed in a telegram, leave town and call this number in 3 hours. Unless of course you hear the word gazelle in a nature documentary, in which case just keep watching and enjoy. I'll leave you two now to finish your meals, and take down the names of these witnesses for future elimination. [leaves]

Mark: What?

Kevin: Of course, you know, none of this is really necessary. We could work on this.

Mark: Kirk, I can't...

Kevin: Come back to me, baby! I can't live without you!

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video