Queen: Farts

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: JZ3NIF@aol.com
Cast [in a British flat]

Dave: : Did you see Baywatch last night, Cecily?

Kevin: Indeed I did, Flora. I thought it was thrilling when Mr. David Hasselhoff ran into the surf to save that dolphin from the sting ray!

Dave: Oh yes, it was just brilliant when he dunked his shirt on account of the heat, don't you think? Oh, imagine that. Heat in the summer.

Kevin: You know, that's the only thing about the show I don't find realistic.

Dave: Oh, that and some of the bosoms, love.

[Doorbell rings]

Dave: Oh, I wonder who that could be. Prudence?

Kevin: No, dear. We woulda heard her knees poppin'.

Dave: Oh. Well, I wonder who then.

[opens door. They bow.]

Scott: Oh, hello. Please, rise, rise. Rise, please. And do call me Elizabeth, please.

Dave: All right. Tell us what brings you here...Elizabeth.

Scott: Very good. Well, as you know, the family firm has lost touch with real people like yourself over the last several hundred years. So I have initiated a new program called "Commoner Outreach" where I pay a visit to commoners, like yourself for a good old-fashioned chit-away! So, tonight, Flora Foley, and Cecily McDonald, do not think of me as your sovereign, but as a common housewife like yourself. Oh! What a perfectly common flat you live in. I'll just sit on this common throne.

[All sit down]

Scott: Well.

Dave: Well, well.

Scott: Oh, it's lovely to be here.

Dave: Oh, could I offer you some tea, Elizabeth?

Scott: Oh, I would love a cup. [takes out cup and saucer]

Dave: All right then, I'll just um..

Scott: Here we go.

Dave: How's Phillip?

Scott: Oh, Phillip is fine.

Dave: That's good, that's good.

Kevin: How's Charles?

Scott: Charles is fine.

Dave: Oh, that's good. And how's Diana?

Scott: [gives a look] Margaret is fine. New topic!

[pause]

Kevin: Did you see Baywatch last night, Elizabeth?

Scott: Oh, yes I did. Imagine the heat! [laughs] New topic!

Kevin: I know. Let's play truth or dare.

Scott: Oh! That's sounds like fun. How does one play?

Dave: Oh, did you see that Madonna film, mum?

Scott: Oh, I won't have to filet an evian bottle, will I?

Dave: I suppose not, if you really set against it, mum.

Kevin: Just ask us a saucy question, and we'll be obliged to answer.

Scott: Oh, good. Okay, um, Flora, truth or dare?

Dave: Truth.

Scott: Truth! Okay, um, are you married?

Dave: Yes, mum. But not too happy, I'm afraid. My husband's quite the drinker. A regular Andy Capp, if you know. But I do have a lover. I mean, one must have some comfort in one's life, don't you know?

Scott: Oh, I perfectly understand. I have my pillows. My turn! Cecily, truth or dare?

Kevin: Truth. And Elizabeth, with all due respect, the questions can afford to be a touch more, how shall we say, raunchy?

Dave: Raunchy.

Scott: Oooo, rather. Oh, I know. Cecily, have you ever killed anyone.

Kevin: Yes, mum. I served in the Falklands.

Scott: Oh, bloody good war! We rutted those damn Arigies, didn't we?

Kevin: We sure did. All right, Elizabeth, it's your turn. Truth or dare?

Scott: Dare. I do enjoy a good dare.

[Cecily whispers to Flora]

Dave: Oh, yes.

Kevin: Elizabeth, we dare you to...fart!

Scott: Oh. [laughs] Fart?

Dave: Yes.

Scott: But why?

Dave: Well, mum, the one thing that's always united the classes of Britain is the love of a good fart.

Kevin: Best done is a small car or lift.

Dave: Preferably by someone is a position of authority.

Scott: Oh, well then, here goes. [farts]

Dave and Kevin: Good one, mum.

Scott: Wait. I'm not finished. [farts some more] Oh, what fun!

Dave: Oh, game's over mum. [tries to get her to leave]

Scott: Don't make me leave, please. Don't make me go home!

[slams the door]

Dave: Oh, god. What crawled up her ass and died?

Kevin: The monarchy!

[they sit down]


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video