Make Me Puke

Transcribed from: Comedy Network
Transcribed by: orteil perdu
Cast-

[Kevin, in an office, is tapping the receiver of a phone with his fingers and listening for a dial tone]

Kevin: You're right, the phone doesn't work.

Scott: I told you.

Bruce: [entering the office] Listen, I just saw the grossest thing in my life.

Scott: What?

Bruce: I was coming up in the elevator, and there was a guy there - he was a pretty normal guy - but he bent over to pick up his briefcase and his pants shifted and I caught a glimpse of his leg.

Scott: Ew, gross!

Bruce: And it was white!

Scott: Oh, that's so gross!

Bruce: Yeah, when I saw it, I darn near puked.

Kevin: A white leg?

Bruce: Please, stop it.

Scott: Last night I'm watching tv and they had the gall to show that really gross commercial.

Bruce: Don't tell me. The one where the woman cleans the table with wax.

Scott: I thought I was going to puke.

Bruce: If I had seen that ad, I would have puked.

Kevin: They cleaned the table with wax? [Sarcastically] They didn't!

Scott: They *did*.

Bruce: Can we please stop it?

Kevin: [experimentally] Hey, I'm going to order some headcheese.

Scott: [dismissively] Okay.

Bruce: Go ahead.

Kevin: Headcheese. You know, cow brains. Would you guys like some?

Bruce: No thanks, I ate on the bus.

Scott: What? Public transit almost makes me puke.

Bruce: Now you're going to make me puke. Tokens and transfers? Just the thought, okay?

Scott: You wouldn't believe what happened to me today on my way to work. I passed someone's old furniture actually sitting on the street!

Bruce: Oh don't tell me - not their old couch that they sat on and stuff? If I had seen that, I would have bent over and puked.

Kevin: [trying it again] Listen, I'm going to go lick the belly of a dead bloated rat that's floating in sour milk.

Scott: Okay.

Bruce: Okay fine, we'll see you later. [Kevin looks annoyed and clearly out of his depth] I was in highschool--

Scott: Stop. I'm going to hurl.

Bruce: No, there's even more. I was in highschool and I found out that my teacher's first name . . . was Mel. When I found that out, I darn near puked. And the fact that I darn near puked, made this other guy puke!

Kevin: And when you saw his puke, you darn near puked.

Bruce: No.

Kevin: Well did you see it? The puke?

Bruce: Yeah.

Kevin: Gee, I wonder what it would taste like.

Scott: [quietly thinking about it] Gee . . .

Bruce: Semi-digested food, I guess.

Scott: I mean, probably. That's what it smells like.

[Bruce's phone rings. Bruce and Scott jump a mile out of their seats]

Bruce: [to Kevin] Please get it. Get it! I'm gonna puke, I will . . .

Kevin: [answering the phone] Hi, I'm the repairman. Apparently if they answer the phone, they'll puke. . . Okay. [Puts down the receiver] It's Sheena. Her message is if you're late for dinner, she'll puke.

Bruce: Okay, thanks a lot.

Office worker: [entering the room with a sickly expression] I just saw someone lick a stamp!

[Bruce and Scott race for the bathroom]

Kevin: I'm a repairman in an imperfect world.


Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video