Transcribed from: Comedy NetworkCast-
Transcribed by: orteil perdu
- Scott and Bruce- office workers
- Kevin- telephone repairman
[Kevin, in an office, is tapping the receiver of a phone with his fingers and listening for a dial tone]
Kevin: You're right, the phone doesn't work.
Scott: I told you.
Bruce: [entering the office] Listen, I just saw the grossest thing in my life.
Bruce: I was coming up in the elevator, and there was a guy there - he was a pretty normal guy - but he bent over to pick up his briefcase and his pants shifted and I caught a glimpse of his leg.
Scott: Ew, gross!
Bruce: And it was white!
Scott: Oh, that's so gross!
Bruce: Yeah, when I saw it, I darn near puked.
Kevin: A white leg?
Bruce: Please, stop it.
Scott: Last night I'm watching tv and they had the gall to show that really gross commercial.
Bruce: Don't tell me. The one where the woman cleans the table with wax.
Scott: I thought I was going to puke.
Bruce: If I had seen that ad, I would have puked.
Kevin: They cleaned the table with wax? [Sarcastically] They didn't!
Scott: They *did*.
Bruce: Can we please stop it?
Kevin: [experimentally] Hey, I'm going to order some headcheese.
Scott: [dismissively] Okay.
Bruce: Go ahead.
Kevin: Headcheese. You know, cow brains. Would you guys like some?
Bruce: No thanks, I ate on the bus.
Scott: What? Public transit almost makes me puke.
Bruce: Now you're going to make me puke. Tokens and transfers? Just the thought, okay?
Scott: You wouldn't believe what happened to me today on my way to work. I passed someone's old furniture actually sitting on the street!
Bruce: Oh don't tell me - not their old couch that they sat on and stuff? If I had seen that, I would have bent over and puked.
Kevin: [trying it again] Listen, I'm going to go lick the belly of a dead bloated rat that's floating in sour milk.
Bruce: Okay fine, we'll see you later. [Kevin looks annoyed and clearly out of his depth] I was in highschool--
Scott: Stop. I'm going to hurl.
Bruce: No, there's even more. I was in highschool and I found out that my teacher's first name . . . was Mel. When I found that out, I darn near puked. And the fact that I darn near puked, made this other guy puke!
Kevin: And when you saw his puke, you darn near puked.
Kevin: Well did you see it? The puke?
Kevin: Gee, I wonder what it would taste like.
Scott: [quietly thinking about it] Gee . . .
Bruce: Semi-digested food, I guess.
Scott: I mean, probably. That's what it smells like.
[Bruce's phone rings. Bruce and Scott jump a mile out of their seats]
Bruce: [to Kevin] Please get it. Get it! I'm gonna puke, I will . . .
Kevin: [answering the phone] Hi, I'm the repairman. Apparently if they answer the phone, they'll puke. . . Okay. [Puts down the receiver] It's Sheena. Her message is if you're late for dinner, she'll puke.
Bruce: Okay, thanks a lot.
Office worker: [entering the room with a sickly expression] I just saw someone lick a stamp!
[Bruce and Scott race for the bathroom]
Kevin: I'm a repairman in an imperfect world.