Transcribed from: Comedy CentralCast:
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (firstname.lastname@example.org)
[We see a news anchor (Mark) named Nina Spudkneeyak sitting at a desk. A caption behind her reads "Bus Tragedy."]
- Mark1- Nina Spudkneeyak (news anchor)
- Mark2- Deek, the drummer for Living Proof
- Kevin- Manager of Living Proof
- Bruce- MTV-type Female Reporter
- Various Reporters
Mark: As we reported during the cooking show today, six of the seven members of the popular rock band Living Proof were tragically killed last night when their tour bus crashed in the mountains outside of Lansing, Michigan. Today, the sole surving member of the band and their manager spoke with reporters.
[Cut to: A News Conference room. Kevin and Mark sit behind a table with several mikes mounted on it. A group of black clad mourning groupies stand in the background, to the right of the tables. A variety of reporters sit on couches or stand in front of the tables Kevin looks like the second coming of Mr. Kotter and Mark looks like the second coming of a young Rod Stewart]
Kevin: I just wanna say they were incredible guys. They were guys I loved to manage and who I managed to love. [the crowd applauds] This is Deek, the drummer, who would like to read a prepared statement.
Mark: [holds up an index card] I think it's really sad what happened yesterday. [pauses, nods and stops]
Kevin: Any questions? We'd be happy to answer them, I mean SAD to answer them.
[Bruce steps forward. He looks a bit like Tabitha Soren from MTV News and dresses like Six from "Blossom" -- big hat with a flower on it loud blouse and jacket, short skirt. You know the type... thrift shop junkie style dress.]
Bruce: I have a question.
Bruce: It's a very sad loss. Why weren't you two on the bus?
Mark: Umm... ok.....well, when a band is really tight, right? And I mean.. we were really really tight.... um...
Kevin: I think what Deek is trying to say, if I may Deek, is that one of the tragedies of this HUGE loss, is that people will never know how warm and funny...
Mark: I mean, these guys were really funny.
Kevin: ...really warm and funny that these guys were. Case in point: on the night in question, they left without us on the bus.
[Mark and Kevin laugh]
Mark: I... I just think that proves how warm and funny they were.
Kevin: Truly warm and funny funny.
Bruce: Is there any information yet on the cause of the crash?
Mark: [glances at Kevin] Well, I think the crash was caused by the bus hitting the wall, wasn't it? [Kevin nods] Yeah.
Reporter #1: This may be a little early to ask... but are there any future plans?
Mark: Well, I guess I'm going to take a couple of days off and then I'm going to finish the tour.
[The reporters gasps in shock at the idea.]
Kevin: This great band sold out 35 sold out dates and it would be terrible to disappoint their fans.
Mark: Right. I mean, if Living Proof said they were coming to your town this summer, they we're going to make sure we keep our word.
Kevin: So we're doing the tour!
[The reporters say what and moan in disbelief again.]
Kevin: Yes. Yes. We. You see, we decided that that Deek will use the term "we." This is to help people imagine that there's more than Deek and his drums on stage.
Mark: It's sort of "high concept" but once you hear it a few times you'll get it.
Reporter #2: How can you justify touring a drum kit?
Reporter #2: [louder] How can you justify touring a drum kit?
Mark: Umm.. well like this. The spirit of Living Proof is in me.. and the band was energy. And I still have that energy.
Reporter #1: But don't you think the fans came to hear Jay's guitar riffs and John's vocals?
Mark: Yeah.. sure, sure... but they're dead. [The crowd makes sounds of disbelief] Look, I think that once people hear the drumming, you know, it will set their minds to it, you know? Cause I'm doing all the songs from the 8 albums, All The B Sides, some covers and I'm even going to do some stuff I was working on the day of the crash! [Mark's voice cracks as he gets to the word stuff as he starts crying.]
Bruce: I don't think the rest of the band would want you to do this?
Kevin: Well, we knew them. Not you!
Mark: Yeah! And, all right, you know if I'm not enough, then they can always buy the new album.
Reporter #2: But I heard that the new album was only partially completed? Mark: What?
Reporter #2: [impatient at not being heard] The new album is only partially completed?
Kevin: Yes, that's why we're calling it "We're Partial to Our Music".
[The crowd moans again in disgust and disbelief.]
Mark: All right! Excuse me?!?! Can I say something? Can I say SOMETHING?!?! Look, You know, I can understand that everyone is upset. I'm upset that the band is gone and I'd like you to know that if I could have been on that bus with them, I would have been there!
[The crowd protests.]
Mark: Yes, yes! And you know, I'm not and I think you people are angry because I'm still alive, right?
Kevin: Yeah! Let's remember that Deek is really the victim here!
Mark: Yeah! Show them the T-Shirt.
[Kevin holds up a grey T-shirt. It has a bus with 6 men in the window and the words "VIGIL TOUR."]
Mark: We even went out and made a special T-shirt to finish the tour with!
Bruce: Vigil Tour?!?! How did you get those T-shirts so fast?!?!
Mark: No more questions.
[Mark and Kevin get up and start waving to the photographers quickly trying to get out of the room. Kevin shields Mark slightly with his body.]