Steps: Lesbian & Gay Pride Day

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: Matt Morrison (

Part One: Cute Little Pig

[Setting: The Steps. Kevin, Scott, and Dave sit watching the Lesbian and Gay Pride parade.]

Kevin: You know, the one thing I resent about Lesbian and Gay Pride Day is the police presence. It's totally unnecessary. Gay people are peace loving.

Scott: Yeah! We don't even need cops!

Dave: I prefer to use the word "pigs".

Scott: [gesturing] Hey. That little pig over there is kinda cute, eh?

[Cut to Bruce and Mark, who are watching the festivities, insuring no trouble occurs.]

Mark: Hey, partner. I think that blond guy likes you. [laughs]

Bruce: [nervously] You think so?

Mark: Yeah.. he's doing uh.. what do they call it.. um...cruising ya, there.

[Scott winks at Bruce.]

Bruce: What should I do?

Mark: Well, don't do anything. Just stare straight ahead. It's Gay Pride Day

Bruce: Gay Pride Day?! I thought it was another one of those Blue Jays celebrations!

Mark: No, no, no. That's every second Thursday.

Bruce: Oh.... I like those.

Mark: [laughs] Yeah, me too.

Part Two: Protest

[Setting: Same as before. We see a Christian Protester in a black suit now. He holds a sign which reads "God Hates Fags. Romans 3:13." The Step Men regard him.]

Dave: I think it's in Deuteronomy?

Scott: No. I think it's in Revelations.

Kevin: It's nowhere in the Bible that God hates homosexuals.

Dave: No, that's not true. No, it's definitely in there. It's.. um... "Thou shalt not... lieth with man as with... womeneth"

Scott: Or.. "It is an abomination against God and nature."

Scott/Dave: Yeah...

Kevin: What are you saying? That you agree with this guy?

Dave: Yes. Butchie and I are reclaiming our self-loathing.

Kevin: But it's Lesbian and Gay Pride day. Get it? PRIDE?

Scott: Ah, so what? I hate Gay Pride Day. Everyone is so full of themselves, eh? So much attitude.

Dave: Yeah. Too many dykes.

Kevin: [indignant] With that one sentence, you just destroyed 25 years of bridge building between a gay and lesbian community.

Dave: Yeah, that's right Smitty. I just blew up the "Bridge Over The River Queer."

[Scott laughs out loud at this.]

Kevin: With friends like you, the Lesbian and Gay Community do not need enemies.

Scott: Oh yeah? Okay.

[Scott pulls a slingshot out of his pocket and picks up a rock.]

Scott: Hey, Goliath!

[The protester turns towards Scott with a contemptful look.]

Scott: Read your Old Testament!

[Scott lets the rock fly, hitting the protester in the head and knocking him to the ground.]

Scott: Yeah!

Dave: See, Smitty? Activism can take many forms...

Scott: Yeah.

[Scott picks up another rock and fires it. We hear a muffled "UMPH!"]


Part Three: Drag Queens & Leather People

[Setting : As before.]

Scott: Hey, look! There goes Cher on Rollerblades!

Dave: Hey, look! There goes a Dolly Parton on Rollerblades!

Scott: Woah, look! There goes Whitney Houston on Rollerblades!

Dave: Boy, there sure are a lot of drag queens on Rollerblades this year.

Scott: Yeah, well you know it is the fastest growing sport in North America, eh?

Dave: Rollerblades?

Scott: No, drag.

Dave: Oh.

Scott: Hey, look! There goes a leather dyke with her nipples pierced!

Dave: Oh wow! Oh, hey! There's a leather man with his ass hanging out!

Scott: Look! Here comes a mistress with her slave!

Kevin: You just know that on the evening news all they will show are the drag queens and the leather people.

Dave: Yeah, but there ARE a lot of them.

Scott: Wow! Look at all the hot guys from Bar Hot, eh?

Dave: Guess you've slept with a few of them. eh Butchie?

Scott: Oh yeah. Some were great. Some weren't. Whatever. You know?

Kevin: Hey look! There goes the Gay and Lesbian Bisexual Transgender Farm Collective!

[Kevin waves and cheers at them.]

Scott: Wow, they're ugly.

Dave: I'll throw them a bone, Butch.

Kevin: I hear they grow great pot.

[We hear a noise like two miniature, high pitched sonic booms.]

Kevin: What was that guys? Guys? Guys?

[Kevin looks around noticing the others are gone. He then looks out to the parade.]

Kevin: What are you doing in the Farm Collective? Well, it's good to see that they are overcoming their look.

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video