Boiled Potatoes

Transcribed from: CBC
Transcribed by:
Cast: [Mark is in an office, typing. Dave comes in and sits down.]

Mark: Ah! Mr. Jones!

Dave: Hi Mr.......(looks at Mark's name plaque on his desk).......Torrey!

Mark: Yes. Exactly. Have a seat.

Dave: Thank you.

Mark: So what can we do for you today?

Dave: I'm looking for a loan.

Mark: Ah! And what would this be for?

Dave: I have a revolutionary idea for a new restaurant.

Mark: Really?

Dave: M-hm.

Mark: Let's hear all about it.

Dave: Let me ask you this, Mr. Torrey. Where can you go in town to get a really fine boiled potato?

Mark: A boiled potato?

Dave: Yes. I mean a lot of restaurants offer you french fries or home fries or even a baked potato but where can you go to get a really fine boiled potato?

Mark: Well I'm sure there must be places that serve a boiled potato.

Dave: Oh certainly there may be a handful of places that offer the opportunity to experience an inferior version of the boiled potato but I'm talking about a restaurant that specializes in the boiled potato and only the boiled potato.

Mark: So you would only serve boiled potatoes?

Dave: No, we would also serve a very fine potato broth.

Mark: Do you mean like a potato soup, some sort-

Dave: No! A potato broth. It is the water in which the potato was boiled.

Mark: Ok, Mr. Jones. I really don't think our bank-

Dave: Please don't rely on my word alone. What about the testimony of two passersby?

[Scott and Kevin are standing in the doorway. They are obviously part of Dave's plan to get a loan]

Mark: (noticing Scott and Kevin) Uh, uh, excuse me?

Scott: Gee, honey. That was some great boiled potato.

Kevin: Oh sure, home cooked, but someday I'd like to dress up nice and go out and have a boiled potato.

Scott: (dramatically) Maybe someday........Maybe someday.

[Scott and Kevin leave]

Dave: You see! the public is clamoring for this idea!

Mark: Mr. Jones, I'm busy. Would you get out, please?

Dave: Oh, Ok. (he starts to get up, then sits back down) Although I do- I do have another idea but it's not so good.

Mark: (sarcastically) Oh, oh really. What would that be?

Dave: Well, it's crack. Yeah, it's a smokable form of cocaine that appeals to a larger segment of the population.

Mark: I know what crack is, Mr. Jones.

Dave: Terrific. Well I already have a large distribution team in place. All I need is a start up investment and uh-

Mark: Ok. I'm in.

Dave: Really?

Mark: Well, I know, crack's great.

Dave: You'll help me sell my crack!

[Scott and Kevin reenter]

Scott: Sorry about the bad crack, honey. I just don't know how to cook it right.

Kevin: Maybe someday a large distribution team will-

Dave: Don't worry about it. He's in!

Kevin and Scott: Oh, great!

Mark: Just sign here...

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video